


Searching, Waiting, Looking

by Artificial Pichitinha (Pichitinha)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Cliche, F/F, Lesbian AU, RomCom-ish or so i tried, Romance, girl au, i might add tags at some point pay attention, katya is a photographer, kim and willam make appearances longer than other characters but still not a lot, sashea is a sidepairing less featured than expected, sort kinda slightly based on 27 dresses but not really but a little bit i guess?, trixie is a wedding decorator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-05-17 12:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 48,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pichitinha/pseuds/Artificial%20Pichitinha
Summary: Of course Trixie will be the decorator to Shea's wedding - with years of experience in her bag there's no way she'll leave her best friend hanging. Sure, she never intended for that to become practically a full-time job as the wedding planner alongside Sasha's crazy best friend Katya, but hey, everything for your friends, right?





	1. We're all thorns and we're all roses

**Author's Note:**

> Ok. I guess I'm doing this? Idk! This fic is born out of my undying love for a few things: RomComs, Katherine Heigl, James Marsden and the movie 27 dresses which has all three of those things plus a cute dog! It is a very silly fic as per everything I write and I fear that the first chapter might set you up for expectations that will not be met - so please, lower them! haha. It's my first attempt at a chaptered story in a long long time and I hope that I'll pull through successfully now, I've spent a long time planning the chapters and the not-so-many good points I wanted to add to it. All in all this is very self-indulged and a cliche from start to finish, so this is what you should look for if proceeding here. Now that I've finished putting myself and my story down, a few important notes: as usual a huge thank you to miss [Rosie](https://crackerdyke.tumblr.com/) for beta-reading this for me, you're an angel! Thank you also to [Syn](http://hallelooladies.tumblr.com/) and [Conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/), two wonderful humans who've read this first chapter and reassured me it was not a pile of crap. And finally thank you to [Caro](http://theonewiththewhitedress.tumblr.com/) and [Andrea](http://midnightradio.tumblr.com/), my latina ladies, for always supporting me in my writing. All of you ladies are amazing friends and I'm glad I know you all. 
> 
> **Fun fact: the titles of the fic and of all of the chapters are from Kacey Musgraves' song[Somebody to Love](https://open.spotify.com/track/7BrzsqvkOKcZSypRoAqjkm?si=gcaAdXyVQoCRRqe9k7taHA), you should check it out!**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Trixie is so happy for her. She really, really is. And she makes sure that that happiness overshadows that pang of jealousy inside of her chest every time she’s met with it. Shea deserves this. It’s not her fault Trixie has her unresolved issues._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My loves, this first chapter is more of a prologue than anything, so please read it as such! <3

Trixie can hear her high heels clattering on the fancy marble floors of this place as she runs as fast as she can,  trying to avoid the inevitable: she’s late. Trixie’s never late for anything, hates arriving with less than ten minutes to spare no matter what type of appointment it is, but everything that could go wrong today has and now it's twenty minutes past the agreed time and she’s _late_.

She pushes to the back of her mind the fact that she stared at the mirror for fifteen minutes before leaving home analysing her face and her smile, trying to get a hold of what emotions she was displaying. It's _genuine_ , she thinks, because she means it. She's happy, she really is.

She takes a deep breath once she's faced with the door to the room - it reads _rainbow room_ , just like Shea had described, and Trixie smiles a little - _something_ has to have a rainbow. She tries to open the door quietly, hopes that they're distracted and it goes unnoticed, but apparently they’ve been waiting for her because all the heads in the room turn to her as soon as she’s inside.

“Hi!" she exclaims weirdly as soon as she's in, realizes it's some sort of anteroom with a counter for hanging coats and keeping belongings. She knows immediately that the hall will be fancy. "I’m so sorry I’m late you guys, I’m so _so_ sorry, I-”

“Trixie!” Shea cuts her off, apparently completely unbothered by Trixie's tardiness. She has a huge smile on her face and the lines all over her face are soft, her eyes sparkling. Trixie notices she's holding Sasha's hand, it looks unconscious even, and she only drops it to march to Trixie and hug her. “It’s fine, come in. We were waiting for you.”

And then Shea _really_ hugs her, tight and comfortable and familiar, and Trixie is once again struck with the notion that Shea is happier than Trixie's ever seen her before, even during these past few years since she started dating Sasha where she seemed to only get happier as the time went by and their relationship became more solid.

Trixie is so happy for her. She really, _really_ is. And she makes sure that that happiness overshadows that pang of jealousy inside of her chest every time she's met with it. Shea _deserves_ this. It's not her fault Trixie has her unresolved issues.

"Ok, I'm here! Let's do this!"

“First,” Sasha interrupts as she goes and hugs Trixie, and it warms Trixie's heart to notice the same happiness emanating from her. It's easier to not feel bad about her lack of luck when she knows - and she does, without a doubt - that these people in front of her are made for each other. “Let me introduce you to my friend Katya. I asked her be _my_ maid of honor but she’s insisting on being our photographer, so we’ll see.”

Trixie looks to the blonde woman Sasha is pointing to, and her attention is immediately split between two things: her combination of outfit, shoes and hairstyle is _ridiculous,_ and she has a really nice smile.

_What are you wearing_ , Trixie manages to bite down as she eyes the horrible mud green of her dress, and instead tries to be normal. “Hi, I’m Trixie! I also want to work on their wedding instead of enjoying it as guest, so I guess we’re both crazy,” she says in greeting as she extends her hand, hopes she didn't notice her checking out her ugly dress. Katya just smiles back and shakes her hand as she laughs, and it's actually rather cute.

"Maid of honor to these two?" she jokes as she raises her eyebrows and then leans closer to Trixie to fake-whisper. "I'd literally rather have to pay to work." It's a small joke worthy of a chuckle at most, really, but Trixie full-on laughs because Katya's _face_ is funny as she says it. Or maybe it's the outfit, really - it's _so_ ugly.

"Same," she fake whispers back.

Sasha and Shea laugh together behind Trixie, although Shea lets out a little offended noise first.

"You'd be so _lucky_ to be a part of our _beautiful_ wedding, okay."

Trixie smiles at her friend, hopes she knows that Trixie's only offering to be a decorator because it'll save them a ton of money that they can use towards the honeymoon trip that they've been dreaming about since before they got engaged. Shea smiles back, small but honest, and Trixie knows Shea understands her heart's in the right place.

The couple then turns to a woman that Trixie hadn't noticed was there before, probably the sales rep of the place, and together the four of them follow her as she opens the door that leads to the main room and Trixie gets a flash of a Disney movie in her mind, probably Beauty and the Beast, because the whole place looks like a palace, but the room they're entering is _magical_ really.

Shea had told her that she and Sasha had found the place online by accident but thought it was the perfect place to host a beautiful and intimate ceremony to close family and friends. They're fucking right.

Trixie knows she's there today as Shea's best friend - mostly, even, because Shea thinks she'll end up giving up on the decorator idea and accept the maid of honor position - and she's pretty sure that Sasha has those hopes about Katya as well, but she can't stop her mind from running, finds it impossible to look at the architecture of the place and not think about flowers and arrangements and decorations. She's in love with the hall already, she wants all of her future weddings to take place there. She wants _her own_ wedding to take place there.

She shakes her head.

Her eyes keep moving everywhere, unable to keep still as she tries to take every single detail in. Eventually she manages to look down from the ceiling where the painting reminds her of Italian churches - although she's never been to Italy or any of its churches - and then she's met with Katya, her expression awestruck and glued to the rainbow colored windows.

She walks closer and tries to engage in conversation, "Is this the most beautiful place you've ever seen, too, or do I just frequent really lousy halls?"

Katya gives little jump as if she'd been a hundred miles down memory lane and Trixie's just pulled her back. She places her hand on her heart, a little scared, but smiles at Trixie's words.

"Oh no, this is the definitely the winner for me, too. The lights from the window… look at their reflection on the wall. It's _beautiful_."

Trixie looks at where she's pointing, lets her mind wonder to how pretty the lights will look contrasting to both Shea and Sasha's skin if they took their photos at the very spot, and she understands why Katya is mesmerized.

"Wow," is all she manages to come up with as she tries to swallow down the sudden lump in her throat. She knew it'd appear at some point today, but she didn't expect it to be this soon.

"I know, huh? Please tell me that as the decorator you'll leave that corner free for the photos."

Katya's voice sounds closer and Trixie realizes she's come to stand behind her, both of them looking at the colored wall.

"Well, of course." She looks back at Katya and she's actually closer than she anticipated. She smells faintly like cigarettes. "You should be able to tell the decorator how you feel about the decorations, you're the one creating memories with them."

Katya opens a big smile, seems extremely pleased. "Oh, I could kiss you!" Trixie gives out a quiet nervous laugh at that, since Katya really looks like the type that would peck her hard on the lips. Instead, she keeps her eyes focused on the wall. "That's what I keep telling them, but they never listen!"

Trixie tears her gaze away then, looks once again at the wall as she deems it safer. "Well, I am a professional. Anyway, I didn't know you usually did weddings? Sasha showed some of your work and I didn't peg you for a wedding photographer."

Katya's eyes widen a little as she takes a step back. "Did she show you the black and white campaign? I _will_ kill her."

Trixie has no idea what the black and white campaign is - she'll definitely ask Sasha though - but she can't help her laugh. "No! She showed me the one with the people and the dogs in the park?"

Katya's eyes light up at that, and no matter how pleased she seemed before with the rainbow on the wall, she seems a million times happier now. The difference is almost palpable. "Oh, that one! It's one of my favorites. It's what I do in my free time, I guess, more like a hobby." She shrugs, her face deflates a little. "Weddings pay my bills!"

She sounds… _sad_. Trixie wonders why, doesn't know how anyone could possibly not love working at weddings, as stressful as it might be. She loves it, loves the process of decorating, of detailing everything to the point where it'll make all the involved parties happy. She particularly loves seeing the pictures afterwards, if the photographer managed to capture the energy and emotion she always tries putting into what she does. The majority of times they don't, but it still looks beautiful and the couple always seems happy. That's the most important thing at the end of the day, and she loves it.

She won't press it, though. Whatever Katya's issues are, she seems happy for Shea and Sasha, and she seems genuinely invested in working for them. She doesn't know her wedding work yet, has no idea if she's good or not or how much effort she puts into it, but she knows that whatever problems she might have with weddings in general, she'll work harder at her best friend's one.

"Uhum, right there with you. I'm not strictly a wedding decorator, but it's usually what comes my way. And they do pay a lot."

Katya nods, probably all too familiar with the industry, and takes a last look around the room. "Anyway, once they finally accept us working at the wedding, would you mind if we met some time to show a little bit of our work to each other? I always like to show the decorator what my photography is like so that we can kind of be on the same page. And we can always discuss ideas, if you'd like."

"Oh, sure, yeah. That'd be great!" She is super curious about Katya's photos. Sasha has shown her regular ones and told her wonders about the wedding ones too, but she's been in hundreds of weddings and she knows that so many things can go wrong, that the best photographer on earth can disappoint you at the last minute because of the tiniest of details. She wants to prepare herself, wants to mould this wedding perfectly for Shea and Sasha and wants it all to be properly memorialized in the photos that will be taken.

"Cool! God, I really hope they book this place."

Trixie agrees, her mind already filled with ideas. "Me too."

*

Shea and Sasha insist on taking them to lunch afterwards, even if Trixie already knows she'll be rushing to pay for her meal before they get the chance to try, so the four of them find their way to a nice little bistro a few streets over. They're all quiet until they sit down and it's only when they're settled that Trixie can take proper notice and realise the two people on the table that should be ecstatic actually seem kind of down.

"So… the place is great!" she encourages, wonders why they seem so deflated when they were so excited when they were browsing the hall. "The possibilities for decorations are infinite because the place itself is a piece of art."

"And the natural light is _phenomenal_ ," Katya adds before taking a sip of her glass, points at the couple with her index finger as she drinks. Trixie bets she can also sense something's wrong.

Shea and Sasha share a look, then, like they know something she still quite doesn't. She glances over at Katya and she's glancing at her too, expression as lost as hers. They're both out of the loop on this one.

"Uh, yeah, the place is really great. We truly loved, it's everything we were hoping for."

Shea is squirming on her seat as she says that, and Trixie knows her really well to know that whatever they're trying to say, she's really uncomfortable with.

"It's just a bit more than we had originally thought," Sasha finishes, shrugs it off as if it's no big deal.

Given their lost puppy faces, it totally is.

"How much is a _bit_?" Trixie asks suspiciously.

Shea sighs, looks even more uncomfortable than before. Trixie knows she doesn't like discussing money, knows she and Sasha are on a budget here - which is exactly why she's offering to decorate for free - knows that if she's making that face, it's not an amount they can currently cover.

"It's not an absurd or anything. But when we saw the ad it made it sound like the hall plus the event planner would be a certain amount and it turns out that the amount accounts _only_ for the place-"

"And we can't really pay all that just for the place and also play for a planner," Sasha adds. "It doesn't fit our budget." Trixie can see Sasha's hand covering Shea's as she speaks, lets her heart break a little at their expressions. They looked so fulfilled when they first entered the hall, this is disheartening.

"But it's fine. We'll find a cheaper place so we can afford it all. There are plenty of nice ones around the city, we just need to look more."

"Yeah, this one was kind of excessive, really. We don't need anything that fancy."

Trixie steals yet another look at Katya, finds her looking as alarmed as she's feeling right now, mouth agape. For one split second she's touched about how much Katya seems to care as well, but then she's back at the matter at hand. Shea and Sasha keep on adding to the list of reasons why it's fine, and it just looks like two people who are desperately trying to convince their own selves of what they're saying.

Trixie opens her mouth before she can even think and she knows that what she's about to say is completely crazy.

"What if… what if I plan it for you?"

Shea and Sasha deny immediately. "Are you _crazy_ , that's so much work, you have your shop and you're probably booked to decorate another thousand weddings and you already offered to do our decorations _for free_ and we wouldn't be able to pay you much anyway, so-"

Trixie's ready to reply to all that, to tell them she can do it and that they have to trust her, but Katya cuts in, "I'll help her! If we do it together then it's half the work, right?"

They keep on denying without giving it a thought. "We can't possibly ask that of you guys-"

"We're _offering_ ," Trixie insists. She isn’t sure if Katya’s serious, but _she_ is. Shea deserves the best wedding ever and Trixie'll be damned if she doesn't get it. "Seriously, I loved that place. I have so many ideas for the decoration already. And this way I don't have to fight the wedding planner to do what I want. I mean, I might have to fight Katya, but she's small, I'm sure I can take her."

Katya laughs soundly and so do Shea and Sasha which clears the atmosphere a bit.

"Girl, my dad is a Karate master, I would _waste_ you," Katya replies with a grin and when their eyes meet hers are full of mirth. It's weird but she managed to look cute even though her outfit is (still) terrible. "But I don't think I care enough about flowers to fight you on your decisions so we'll be fine."

"Oh _wow_." Trixie feigns hurt and Katya laughs brightly.

"Okay," Sasha interrupts them, and when Trixie looks at her she actually has her eyebrows up. "I… Shea, what do you think?"

Shea looks at her, seems torn. "I don't know, you guys. I trust you, I just don't want to throw all of this at you. It's _so much work_."

"Girl, I've been working in the wedding business for years. I can handle it." Katya brushes it off.

"Same," Trixie adds.

Shea and Sasha exchange one final look, seem to have an entire conversation in a few quiet seconds, and then each stares back at their best friend.

"Okay," they say in unison.

It's a deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you this was very cliche and more of a prologue, don't say I didn't warn you! If you didn't hate this please consider leaving me a comment as that would truly make my day, and also you can find me on tumblr as [Pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) where my askbox is always open and I'd love to chat! <3


	2. We're all patiently impatient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Yes!” Trixie finds herself nodding before Katya has even finished speaking, her reply perhaps more enthusiastic than necessary. “I think you’re right, we make a great pair.”_   
>  _Katya finally gives her back the phone, stares at her again like her entire focus and attention are on Trixie and she can practically feel the weight of it. “We do.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone that commented on the first chapter or left me a kudo or reblogged the post on tumblr, that really means a lot to me. It's slow progress with writing but I'm doing my best and I hope you enjoy this chapter. A special thanks to [Conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/) for proofreading this and cheering me on and to all my friends who reassure me again and again that I should keep writing!

Trixie makes absolutely sure that she'll be at least fifteen minutes early to their agreed coffee meeting because the first time she’d met Katya had been the first time she'd been late to anything in _ages_ and she already hates that that's the first impression she caused. Granted, Katya hardly looks like the type of person that would hold it against her, but that was a fluke, it’s not who she is, and it’s important for her that Katya knows that. So she'll be her usual Trixie early, ready for anything with her entire schedule planned out for her - both in her brain and in her little planning book where her whole _life_ is stored, really - and wait for Katya if she has to. She doesn't mind waiting, she's used to it, but she wants Katya to know what kind of professional - what kind of _person_ \- she is.

As she's crossing the street to the little café they agreed to meet at, though, she can see Katya turning the corner and arriving at the same time. Maybe she also likes to be early to everything. That's a quality Trixie loves in people, especially those she has to work with, so she hopes it's true. Katya looks serene, a bit lost in her thoughts, and it tugs a smile to Trixie’s face.

"Katya, hey!" She waves as she's crossing once she and Katya are close enough that she doesn't have to shout. Her outfit today is more tasteful - well, it's less horrific, more normal and fitting for an afternoon out in a coffee shop, but the pattern is still troublesome and Trixie's really curious as to how she always makes her looks work when they’re actually are super ugly. Maybe she’s just really naturally pretty.

"Oh, hey! You're early." Katya hugs her quickly, more of a squeeze with one arm than an embrace, and Trixie can faintly gather the smell of her shampoo, something light and breezy that she can't really place but that makes Trixie think of dandelions flying in slow motion and that somehow matches the way Katya’s hair dances in the light wind that's hitting them on the sidewalk. It’s poetic, almost, and it widens her smile a little.

"I usually am, yesterday was a complete rare event, I swear." Trixie feels the need to explain herself, for some reason she really wants Katya to be assured of her personal qualities.

Katya merely raises both her hands as if in surrender. "Hey, I'm not the time police. It's fine. Let's go in, I really need a coffee."

They find an empty square table at the back of the café where the light isn't great - which explains why most of the students in the place are crowded at the tables at the entrance where the sun is peeking through the window - but it's quiet and there's space to spread sheets on the surface and it's not on the way to anything so there shouldn't be people walking by. Katya orders a black coffee, Trixie sticks with a tea, and soon they're seated in silence and Trixie wonders where the hell one starts _planning a wedding_.

(She'd googled it, of course, for hours the previous night. She's still lost, though. She has no idea what she's doing. But she’s doing it anyway.)

"So,” Katya looks just as lost as she is, but she’s still very joyful. “How about we play a bit at our _actual_ jobs of pressing a button in a camera and throwing flowers around in a room before we dive into, you know, planning an entire wedding from beginning to end with zero experience?" She places both her elbows at the table as she speaks, rests her head on her hands and opens a very large but clearly dry smile as she finishes her sentence, and Trixie can't help the laugh - or rather scream, as her friends have complained she does - that escapes her throat. She looks very cute like that, younger somehow with the two pigtails she has adorning her face, and Trixie can see in the hollows of her cheeks the coat of foundation she’s wearing.

"Yeah, ok, that'd be good." She smiles and settles comfortably into her chair. Katya is as easy to talk to as Sasha had mentioned. "I do more than throw flowers around a room though, sometimes there are _ribbons_."

"Oh my, how could I forget the _ribbons_!"

They laugh together and both start digging papers and photos out of their portfolio bags. They turn to each other, each with a huge stack of things at hand, and both giggle again.

"You go," Trixie offers, settles her things on the empty chair next to her and watches as Katya spreads a few simple wedding pictures on the table.

Trixie’s barely glanced at them but her jaw drops immediately.

"Ok, so these are some weddings I did where the theme was like _fall_ , which is kinda boring if you ask me, but anyway. So each was with a different decorator and idea, of course, but this is a type of photo I always like to get with the couple no matter what type of wedding it is and I think it translates well, no matter what's going on around them. What do you think?"

Katya has her eyes on the photos as she speaks, her eyes fidgeting over them as if she is nervous, but now as she asks Trixie the question she can feel her eyes on her, questioning. She doesn't look at them, though, can't tear her own eyes away from the raw emotion that's displayed on the photographs on the table. The scenery is different for all of them, the colors matching in the pastel and hazel fall setting but different in every other aspect, and the poses each couple is in also differs - there's a man and a woman locked on an embrace, their faces almost touching but their eyes closed, expression serene, and there's one with two men, one hugging the other from behind with his head buried on his neck, their eyes also closed and happy little smiles, and the others all follow the embrace and eyes closed pattern, but in different ways, different expressions, different everything.

Except for the _feeling_. Trixie isn't sure how she does that - how she gets the couple to portray exactly what she has in mind, even - but she feels pure and unadulterated _contentment_ when looking at each and every one of them. She feels calm, in peace, and a little bit in love herself - with what she doesn't know, but she _feels_ it.

Sasha wasn't lying when she praised Katya's work. She has no words.

"I… these are phenomenal, Katya. Like, truly magnificent."

"Oh, please." Katya waves her hand, makes light of the situation, but a quick glance is enough for Trixie to notice the faint blush on her cheeks. It's adorable, really.

"I'm serious, there's so much emotion in these. How do you do that?"

Katya shrugs sheepishly, lets her fingers roam the pictures as if she’s reminiscing.. "I don't know. I just… that's why I became a photographer, you know? It was never about photographing _something_ but rather what that photograph would _mean_. Does that make sense?"

Weirdly, it makes all the sense in the world to Trixie. That's why she never sold herself as a wedding decorator per se but ended up doing those almost exclusively. She doesn't know the couples, doesn't follow their lives afterwards to know if it worked of if they got divorced the week after, but there's just _something_ when she's decorating a room for a wedding, when she knows that the day will be important, even if briefly, even if only then, that the people in there will be at their _happiest_ for a couple of hours at least, it just severely beats down decorating a room for a company fifteen year anniversary.

"It does." Trixie sighs. "It really does."

*

They spend another half hour looking over Katya's pictures, Trixie's intent on analyzing every single one carefully resulting in several minutes spent in every set of new photos that Katya displays. Trixie can't help it, really, she's beyond amazed with Katya's talent. And she doesn't seem bothered, on contrary, seems flattered and even a bit embarrassed at Trixie's clear awe when looking at the pictures. She keeps pointing out details, describing what feelings she gets from each, and every time Katya seems a bit surprised at how well Trixie reads what she meant to show. Trixie's proud of herself, if she's honest.

"We make a great pair," Katya mentions lightly at yet another one of Trixie's observations, this time on the last set of photos she has to show, and Trixie feels the corners of her lips tugging into a grin before she can even process it. The words sound nice.

"I'm not saying we don't, but your pictures are _so clear_. You're really talented, anyone would get what your goals are."

Katya shakes her head, but doesn't let her smile disappear completely. She looks so pleased and Trixie’s a little pleased with her own self for it. "You'd be surprised."

Trixie can't picture anyone looking at what she just looked and not being completely awestruck. Katya's talent is clear in every colors she uses and to think that people might not _see_ that is mindblowing. "Some people are really dumb."

"Ugh, stop with the complimenting already, it's gross!" Katya swats Trixie's hands away as she jokes, her eyes shining as she gathers her things to put them back in her bag. Trixie laughs at the cute grump face she makes and moves to get her own pictures. Katya seems absurdly interested. "Yes, show me your talents now."

"Before you see anything you should know that I have unfortunately never had a photographer that could capture my ideas as I wanted them to be captured so don't judge me too hard."

Trixie isn't usually shy about her work - she's a good decorator and she _knows_ it - but now that it's her time to share her work her brain is haunting her with everything Katya just showed her - beautiful, amazing works of art -, and it's hard not to feel overwhelmed.

Katya merely looks at her like she's grown an extra head. "Uh, I'm a photographer? I'll be able to tell that the photographer did a bad job, don't worry."

Trixie's heart swells with her plain confidence that whatever she sees will be the photographer's fault, and Trixie hopes briefly that she's right, that none of the photos she brought - although chosen very carefully to share her talent - have any of her mediocre decorations, where the time was too little, or the theme too strict, or the couple too unhelping.

Trixie starts with her outdoor wedding photos, knows it's a bit irrelevant given Shea and Sasha actually have a closed hall, but she loves them and their simplicity and the fact that her decorations have to match the existing nature; and she really wants Katya to see what she's capable of - what she _knows_ she's capable of. After what she's seen of Katya's work, she wants her to think she's a worthy partner. She knows she is, she just needs to prove it.

Katya grabs the first one off the table and puts it weirdly close to her face, her eyes squinting and roaming through the entirety of the picture, searching. Trixie is oddly uncomfortable, loves the wedding she's currently scrutinizing and really hopes she doesn't hate it because if she does, Trixie doesn't think she'll have anything else better to save herself.

“That was such a poor choice of lightning for this photo. They totally missed how a color gradient could have formed with the flowers and the sunset in the back.”

Katya moves to show her, places her finger on the middle of the frame where the intersection between the flowers and the sky is, but Trixie doesn’t look, she doesn’t have to. She had placed those flowers there strategically, had known that the sun setting in the back would create the perfect colors to follow the line of the flowers if taken from the right angle from the ground at the beginning of the carpet. She’d told the photographer that, several times, up until the point he had outright told her he went to school for this and she didn’t. He never did take the picture she wanted, never immortalized the image she envisioned, and the crappy photo she took on her personal phone is the only proof she has of that.

Now Katya’s pointing that out, after maybe staring at the picture for thirty seconds, and she seems sad at the missed opportunity. Trixie’s heart aches for a moment, because that’s a particular event she’s never really forgotten, was never able to replicate again, and she’s part sad by the confirmation that what she wanted was indeed possible, but mostly happy because Katya _gets it_. She wasn’t there, she didn’t see it, but she _gets it_.

“Trixie?” Katya asks with arched eyebrows and Trixie notices she’s been staring at her the whole time, mouth probably agape.

“Sorry, I just- hold on.” She takes her phone out of her pocket and frantically looks for the picture she took that day. She had an older phone, then, but she’s saved it through all the months and always has it in her gallery. “Bare in mind that I am not a photographer and this was taken with an old iPhone, ok?”

Katya nods even though she seems lost, and takes Trixie’s phone.

“Oh!” Katya stares at the phone for several long seconds, and then the right side of her lips tugs into a cute side smile, content. Trixie’s heart soars. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean. That was wicked smart, Trixie.”

Trixie can feel herself blushing, readjusts a bit on her chair as she feels warmth spreading all over her face and chest in pride. She never realized how much she wanted to be recognized for that feature that’d been gone unnoticed. “Thanks. I’ll never forgive the photographer for not capturing it.”

Katya nods in agreement, eyes still on the crappy picture on her phone. “It truly is a shame. Maybe next time you do something like this you can invite me to take pictures?”

“Yes!” Trixie finds herself nodding before Katya has even finished speaking, her reply perhaps more enthusiastic than necessary. “I think you’re right, we make a great pair.”

Katya finally gives her back the phone, stares at her again like her entire focus and attention are on Trixie and she can practically feel the weight of it. “We do.”

*

“Ok, so that’s basically it, right?” Katya asks staring up and down the page on her notepad where she and Trixie made a list of everything they have to do for the wedding - well, everything they _think_ they have to do. They looked at several websites and discussed each item to see its real relevance and added a few of their own - are there oddly specific photography and decoration items? Yes - and currently they have an entire written page consisting of no less than seventy-four items.

“ _Basically_ ,” Trixie snorts. “Yeah, I guess that’s _basically_ it.”

Katya smiles and gives a little laugh, puts down the notebook with a sigh as she leans back on her chair and stretches. Trixie can see a tiny part of her stomach, then, and it’s lighter than her arms but tanner than her face and it’s _fully toned_. She averts her gaze when Katya speaks again, “So where do we start?”

“By moving to Mexico and pretending we never agreed to any of this?”

Katya’s laugh is loud this time and it fills the entire room and it is _undeniably_ adorable. Trixie can’t help but smile in return. “Good plan,” Katya replies when she manages to stop, leans on the table still completely focused on Trixie. She hasn’t stopped smiling yet. Trixie wouldn’t ever stop smiling if she had her teeth, she thinks.

“I don’t know, there are definitely lots of things to do and we don’t even know the date they’ll get yet. Which, of course, is number one on the list. We don’t have a lot to work on right now.”

“Let’s discuss the couple then, maybe we’ll get some ideas. Tell me about you and Shea, how long have you known each other?”

Trixie feels her smile dropping for a second before she puts it right back on. She loves Shea, she’s been her best friend for years, but she doesn’t like discussing their friendship, especially with someone she just met, no matter how fast and easily they hit it off, even if they’re someone who knows and loves Shea as well.

“I met Shea back when we both still lived in Chicago. When I decided to move there from Milwaukee my friend Kim told me she had a spare room that she and her roommate needed to rent, so there I went. Her roommate was Shea and we became friends very fast. The three of us were inseparable.”

Katya raises her eyebrows, seems weary. “What happened to the third friend?”

“Oh, she’s fine. She still lives in Chicago so we don’t see each other all that much. But we talk everyday, I’m sure she’ll be the maid of honor.”

Trixie stops talking then, feels like she’s given pretty much all of the important details - what else could she say? Katya is still looking at her like she expects more though, and there’s a few uncomfortable silent seconds where neither says anything and both look uncertain.

But Katya recovers quickly, clears her throat and takes it upon herself to share. “So, I’m Russian.”

“Oh?” Trixie isn’t sure where she’s going with this, but she’s glad for the change of subject.

“Yeah. I mean, technically. I was born there but my parents moved to Boston soon after that. But anyway, I met Sasha in Russian 101 in college.”

“Why would you take Russian? Why would _Sasha_ take Russian?”

“She didn’t, she was the TA. I did because I figured it would be an easy A. It was, but that’s neither here nor there.” She makes a dismissive motion with her hand and Trixie laughs at her sly grin.

“You cheated, you mean.”

“They never said a fluent person couldn’t take the entire language curriculum. French and Russian awarded me with an honors degree, thank you very much.”

“ _Cheating_ ,” Trixie insists.

“ _Loophole_ ,” Katya replies, a giggly sound marking her sentence. Trixie giggles with her. “But, anyway, we’ve been friends ever since.”

“Was she stupid smart at school, too?” Trixie asks, has always wondered what Sasha was like in college. If she was anything like she pictures, effortlessly good at everything and often praised, Trixie thinks she would have been impossibly jealous had they studied together.

“I don’t think Sasha knows how to be anything other than stupid smart, honestly.”

Trixie chuckles, nods for lack of what to do. “Yeah, I figured.”

There are a few seconds of silence in which they each finish their now cold beverages and Katya takes the opportunity to change her expression to completely serious for the first time.

“Do you… hm, do you like Sasha? Like as a partner for your best friend?”

Trixie feels her jaw dropping instantly, sits up straighter at the shock of the words - or rather her _tone_. She sounds convinced the answer is actually no. Granted, Trixie has several unresolved personal issues that may or may not have a side effect on how she thinks of Sasha sometimes, but at the end of the day Sasha has been a constant presence in her life for the past three years and she’s been a really good friend and a perfect match for Shea. Trixie genuinely loves her and she really hopes that she doesn’t give off the wrong vibe.

“Oh my god, _yes_! I adore her. Did she say something? Does she think I don’t?”

“No, no, no! Sorry, Sasha likes you a lot. You just made a face, just now. I thought… I misinterpreted, sorry.”

“Oh.” Trixie doesn’t know how to explain it. She can’t find the proper words when she herself isn’t sure yet of why she sometimes feels the way she does. So she takes the easy road. “Single’s jealousy, I guess.”

“A wedding decorator who wants to get married? Groundbreaking.”

Trixie scream laughs again, swats Katya’s arm lightly. “Shut up!”

*

“So, is she mad as a hatter or what?”

Trixie and Shea are seated as comfortably as it’s possible on Shea’s ridiculously old couch, the one she’s been saying for over a year she was going to replace and now she won’t because she and Sasha will buy a new one when they move in together after the wedding. They each have a box of chinese food and they are halfway through them when Shea asks about her meeting with Katya.

“She most definitely is. We actually hit it off pretty well.”

“You did?” She raises her eyebrows, seems surprised at that.

“Yeah? Why? I wouldn’t peg her as someone difficult.”

“Oh, she isn't. I’m surprised by you.”

Trixie kicks her on the shin as she scream laughs. “You bitch!”

Shea laughs out loud, throws her head back for good measure, and Trixie cuckles to herself. She wonders briefly how it’ll be between them once Shea gets married. She wonders if the next however many months they’ll have before the wedding will be like a countdown of last moments like this. The thought leaves a lump on her throat and she tries really hard to force it down with her wine.

“I’m kidding, I’m glad you hit it off. She’s a good friend to have, she’s the most selfless person you’ll ever meet and I’m marrying _Sasha_.”

“Wow. Is it a Russian thing? It doesn’t sound Russian. _She’s as selfless as a Russian_. Nah.”

Shea smiles mischievously and places her empty container on the table, picks up her glass of wine. “Wow, you already know she’s Russian? It took me three months.”

Trixie rolls her eyes, is not surprised at all by Shea’s comment and has no doubt about where she’s going: there’s nothing Shea likes more than trying to set Trixie up. Anyone, anytime, anywhere.

“We were discussing how we met _you guys_. Because we’re planning _your wedding_. We’re business partners.”

“Sounds kinky.”

Trixie gets up then, fake exasperation. “Oh my god.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m joking!” Shea laughs and moves to grab Trixie’s arm, pulls her back to sit on the couch. “She’s a catch though, if you’re interested. And she’s gay.”

“Much better than last time when you tried to set me up with your straight coworker, I’ll give you that.”

“She’s not straight, she’s pressured by society’s heteronormativity and she’ll realize that soon enough, give it a year!”

Trixie rolls her eyes. “You’re impossible.”

“Ok,ok!” She surrenders with a motion of her arms, light smile on her lips. “Tell me about my wedding then. Did you plan it all already? Can we do it this Saturday?”

“Yep, in fact we have already reserved the dumpster down the street.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely. How-” Shea stops talking when her phone lights up on the coffee table, Sasha’s name and photo on the screen. “Uh, sorry.”

Trixie dismisses her. “Go ahead.”

Shea gets up to answer the phone on the other room and Trixie takes these few minutes to breathe. She finishes her wine, makes the last sip turn to three as she stares at the apartment that Shea’s lived in since she moved to California a few months after Trixie. It’s familiar to her, like in sitcoms where it’s always the apartment of one of the friends that becomes _the point_. Kim always stays there when she’s visiting and so does Trannika even if she visits less. Pearl is there constantly and she always has Violet with her and no one is sure why they go to Shea’s place when it’s the furthest and not the biggest, but it’s their thing now, she guesses.

She doesn’t want to be that friend, the best friend in the Bridesmaids movie that gets jealous and bitter and ruins everything because she can’t get a hold of her emotions, but it’s hard when it feels like the last solid thing she’s managed to maintain is going to fall apart. Shea’s friendship is the one thing she managed to keep after all the turmoils in her life - leaving her family in Wisconsin, leaving her friends in Chicago, leaving a string of relationships that she wasn’t able to save everywhere she went. All her friends are married or in a relationship or some even _happily_ single and Trixie still struggles with the ghosts of all her past girlfriends haunting her. She’s not old but she _is_ getting older, and she hates the feeling that she’s stuck while everyone else passes her by. While _life_ passes her by.

She gets up from the couch and grabs all the boxes and dishes to clean the place a little bit, tries to ground herself to the reality of the _now_ and to convince herself that she’s overreacting and things will be fine. Kim lives almost on the other side of the country and their friendship is still one of the strongest bonds Trixie has. She’ll be fine with Shea having a wife. A wife that Trixie knows and likes and is friends with.

Shea is happy and that’s all that matters. _It is_.

“So Katya thinks you’re ‘one of the most talented people I’ve ever met’, quote, and seems very infatuated by you, says Sasha.” Shea says when she enters the kitchen and finds Trixie pouring herself some more wine, leaving just enough on the bottle for Shea to get half a glass.

“Sasha did not say that.”

“Ok, that’s my interpretation of what Sasha said.”

Trixie rolls her eyes. “You can’t expect me to date every single person you’ve ever met, Shea.”

“I wouldn’t keep trying if you dated _one_! You’ve been single for like five hundred years, Trixie, you gotta get out there!”

“It’s been like less than a year.”

“Potato, potahto. But _anyway_ , she seemed really impressed with your work, Sasha says she’s looking forward to working with you.”

There’s still some sort of innuendo in Shea’s voice, but Trixie ignores it in lieu of the compliment, smiles despite herself. She can’t help the giddy feeling in her chest at the praise. She loves what she does and she loved Katya’s work and she doesn’t necessarily need validation but she loves that she got it, especially from her. “Me too! Her photos were mindblowing, she’s amazing. Your wedding’s gonna be, like, the best wedding ever made.”

Shea smiles back, seems happy at the prospect, but then she sighs a little. “I know that you’ll be the best decorator in the seven realms and that my wedding is gonna be the most beautiful in all of the lands, but I’m still sad you won’t be my maid of honor.”

Trixie sips on her wine at that, tries to find the right words to reply.

She’s sad too. But it’s better this way.

“You’ll forget about that as soon as you see how magnificent the hall will look.”

“I can’t wait. We’ve decided on a date, by the way. It’ll be in six months.”

“Oh.” Trixie’s not sure how to respond. Six months isn’t that close but she kind of thought they might wait for another year or so. “Already?”

“I know it’s a bit tight for the planning, but you know we don’t want anything too big, right? We’ll make it work, don’t worry.”

Trixie nods, smiles a bit as she pours a tiny bit more wine. The _planning_. Right. That’s why she’s surprised, because the closer it is the less time she has to plan.

“Of course we will, I’m amazing at what I do.”

“You are a conceited little country gal, that’s what you are.”

Trixie shrugs and grins into her glass. Her insecurities be damned, she’ll focus on the _now_. “Maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little longer than chapter one, a little shorter than I plan next chapters to be, still super cliche! I would really love if you'd leave me a comment if you liked what you read and as usual you can find me on tumblr as [Pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) where my askbox is always open and I'd love to chat! <3


	3. We're all paper, we're all scissors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Katya rolls her eyes too as she follows Trixie to the couch, but she’s grinning widely. She sits down right by her, their legs touch slightly as she adjusts her flowy dress. Trixie grins back._
> 
> _“I like you, Mattel,” Katya says in mock-seriousness, pulls a pair of glasses out of her purse and places them professionally on her nose._
> 
> _“I like you, too, Zamolochihuahua,” Trixie replies with the same tone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Chapter three, a lot faster than I thought it would be. Don't get used to it - chapter four will definitely take longer. Thank you to every single of you that gave me kudos or likes on tumblr and especially to those who reblogged, who added nice tags, and those who left me wonderul comments in here, it means a lot to me! And of course a special thanks to [Conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/) for cheering me on, helping me always, calling me out on my english mistakes and beta-reading this! I love you, you're the best! <3

The ten days that follow Trixie’s decision of planning an entire wedding for her best friend are the busiest and craziest of her life. She has a previous booked wedding coming up at the end of the month, which she had mostly finished but there are always last minute details and last minutes _mishaps_ , and with Trixie spending every waking moment thinking about Shea’s wedding and the decoration and literally everything else she’ll have to take care of, she lets a few things slip through her fingers as she runs basically on coffee and no sleep.

She’d met Katya three more times since their coffee afternoon: once at her studio, where the original goal was to show Trixie some complete wedding albums but ended up being a much more interesting class on how photos are developed, featuring a few shots of Trixie and accompanied by last minute take-out food when it got too late; once at Trixie’s shop where Katya had brought her camera and photographed the entire thing and promised to send her the pictures for free so she could update her website; and once at the venue where they were allowed to take a few pictures of the space so it’d be easier to plan around for the day.

Trixie hasn’t met anyone new in ages, so it’s refreshing to suddenly have Katya around. They’re meeting because of the wedding, their plan is always to _plan_ , but it’s difficult to not get distracted when they actually get along so well and seem to have so much in common. Trixie’s learned a lot about Katya in only two weeks and she gets now why Sasha would always complain that they could never figure out a hang out where both Trixie and Katya could go. She’s a delight and Trixie’s glad she’s met her.

Still, their habit of turning an agreed couple of hours of work into several hours of not working had been one of the reasons that Trixie had gotten so behind on her day to day activities.

And maybe texting Katya all day long is also a factor.

_Katya: just walked by a beautiful rainbow arrangement of flowers and we should definitely do the whole wedding rainbow themed_

_Trixie: the couple decides the theme, not us_

_Katya: you’re the decorator, tell them they’re wrong_

_Trixie: that’s not how this works_

_Katya: you’re also the planner, whos gonna fight you_

_Katya: actually I’m the planner, fight me_

_Trixie: we’re both the planners and we’re not doing a rainbow themed wedding_

_Katya: but they’re gayyyy_

_Trixie: NO?????_

_Katya: ok fine, wanna meet up with them to discuss what they’ll want then? we gotta start_

_Trixie: we rly do but I’m swamped this week, I’ve got a wedding coming up_

_Katya: :( ok, I’ll try to talk to them and let u know_

_Trixie: ok_

Trixie wants nothing more than to meet with the three of them and discuss the wedding and finally get started because she knows how long some things can take to be arranged and she already feels really behind - ten days is one third of a month and they have six months and she’s not great at math but she knows that a good chunk of time is gone. But, of course, she’s literally just got an email about a mix-up with the flowers for the upcoming wedding and for some reason the bride has been calling her all morning - she’ll answer soon enough, she just needs a _moment_. Trixie’s stressed and overwhelmed and she hopes that something good will happen soon to ease her routine.

She considers texting Katya again, considers taking it back and suggesting some time to meet because going out with her friends seems like something she desperately needs, even if it’s sort of working, but she knows she can’t. Instead, then, she texts Kim.

_Trixie: skype tonight? I need a distraction_

She knows Kim can’t have her phone with her while she works so she won’t answer for a few hours and she could use some focused hours herself, so she turns her personal phone off and decides to tackle her to-do list. She spends almost the entire afternoon with florists on the phone, has to take three cabs to go physically solve the issue and she’s so tired she almost considers just sleeping on the couch at the back of the store when her work phone rings and it’s the bride trying to get a hold of her again.

It’s not like she has anything to lose, so she answers. It’s better to know whatever it is she has to complain about sooner rather than later, she’ll have to fix it either way, so it’s just better if she can write it down in her planner and track it.

She’s surprised when the bride isn’t really complaining about anything regarding the decoration - and Trixie decides to omit the issue with the flowers, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her -, but rather wants Trixie to help her because apparently the photographer she had hired was a scammer and had run away with the security deposit of six couples, hers included.

She wants Trixie to help her find a photographer. With one week notice. She’s crazy and Trixie definitely doesn’t have time for this. Nonetheless, she says she’ll try.

She goes home after that, several sheets of planning on the top of her main desk that tomorrow-her will have to deal with and hate past-her for it, but whatever. She needs a shower and some food and she really wants Kim to be free because she needs a friend right now, even if she’s not sure that anything is wrong other than her being exhausted and overworked.

She feels at least half of her muscles relax when she sees the blurred picture of Kim on her screen followed by her lispy voice.

_“Hi, Trixie. You look dead.”_

Ah, yes. Kim’s always a delight. Trixie misses her.

“I _am_ dead.”

_“Dare to dream?”_

Trixie screams, their easy banter making her feel lighter than she has in weeks.

“You are a _terrible_ friend.”

_“It’s called tough love and it’s good for you!”_

Trixie loses the last bit of tension left in her body and she completely sinks into the couch, her laptop dangerously balanced in her legs. The video is still blurred and it keeps freezing on the most weird faces and she wishes she was taking screenshots but she feels too comfortable to move even just her hand.

_“But tell me, what’s up?”_

“I’m tired,” Trixie whines, wants to make light of the situation because now that she has Kim with her she doesn’t know exactly what to say. There isn’t anything particularly wrong, is there?

_“Of course you are, you’re always working.”_ Kim’s eyebrows raise as if this was news about five years ago.

“I just… I know I offered but I’ve barely done anything about Shea’s wedding and it’s already so _consuming_. Scratch that, I’ve done nothing. I mean I think about it constantly but I haven’t- we crossed one item of the list and it was the date. There are seventy-three more.”

_“You know that if it absolutely gets impossible you can tell her, right? She won’t be mad.”_

But she’ll be disappointed, Trixie thinks immediately. She can see Shea’s face dropping upon hearing the news that Trixie can’t handle it, upon hearing that she _failed_. A knot forms in her stomach at that, she can’t let it happen.

“I know. But I _want_ to do it. I just… I may be in over my head. There’s a lot to do and over a week has passed and I’ve done, well, nothing yet.” Trixie doesn’t like admitting defeat, but this is Kim and if there’s anyone that’ll understand, it’s her.

“It’s not really you to procrastinate.” Kim muses, weirdly serious. “If you aren’t doing it when you know you should be, it’s because something’s holding you back. Do you really _want_ to do this, Trixie?”

Trixie raises her eyebrows, a little offended. “Of _course_ I want to do it, it’s _Shea_. And it’s a wedding, you know I love weddings. And I love planning things.” She’s trying to convince Kim with words she’s been using to convince herself - and she’s not sure why she needs convincing when every single thing she’s saying is absolutely true. “This is perfect, I just need to sit down and organize my life a bit.”

Kim considers for a while, stays quiet for so long that Trixie thinks the whole thing’s frozen, but then she clears her throat.

_“Can we talk about-”_

Trixie sits up immediately, her laptop almost falling on the floor - she knows where this is going. “ _Nope_. There’s nothing to talk about.”

She hears Kim sigh before her face moves, but she knows she won’t press it. She never does.

_“Ok, ok. Tell me about the photographer, then, isn’t she helping?”_

Trixie smiles at the mention of Katya and she swears she sees Kim squint her eyes a bit. She ignores it though - Katya is the first new friend she’s had in ages and she won’t apologize for being happy about it.

“She is! She’s an amazing photographer and she’s very interested in helping with the planning too. It’s just neither of us has experience in it, you know. Plus she’s like, crazy.”

Kim raises her eyebrows. _“She sounds interesting.”_

“She is! Kim you _have_ to book her to photograph you someday, like, she’s so good! Crazy though, like I said. But in a good way! She’s really funny. And she actually laughs at my jokes unlike _some people_. She’s great, she’s really great.”

_“Hmmm…”_

“Hmm, what? What Kim?”

_“Nothing!”_ she says as she fakes innocence, her lisp getting worse. _“You seem invested in her, that’s all.”_

“She’s the first new friend I’ve had in years _and_ we’re working together. Of course I’m invested!”

_“That’s not what I meant.”_

There’s a beat of silence as Kim’s words dawn on Trixie and she rolls her eyes in frustration. “Oh my god, not you too! Stop matchmaking!”

_“Oh, am I not the first one to notice it? You really are infatuated!”_

“No! It was Shea and you know she tries to set me up with every moving thing she lays eyes on. I’m not infatuated. We’re _friends_.”

_“Is she pretty?”_

“Yes, sh- you know what, never mind! I’m not talking about her anymore.”

Trixie crosses her arms in front of her chest, feels her face turning into a petty pout she’s not exactly proud of but isn’t trying to undo either. She really needs people to stop meddling with her love life and making assumptions about it. She worries enough herself.

“I’m gonna stop because I want to, not because of this childish face you’re making,” Kim lets her know as she points her finger to her face, which due to the delay looks like she’s making the disney logo for the channel. “Tell me about your job, then. It looks like it’s been stressful.”

Trixie sighs, relaxes a bit at the apparent safe topic. “Yeah, as usual. You know how weddings are, it’s all last minute details and arrangements and things not working and p _hotographers scamming couples and you having to pick up the slack_ -”

_“Wait, what?”_

Yet another deep breath. Trixie’s so tired. “I have a wedding like next week and the bride called me _today_ to tell me the photographer she hired scammed her and is probably in the Bahamas right now. She wants help finding a new one. Why would I know any photographers?”

Kim looks at her like she’s the most stupid person she’s ever met - which, granted, is a common look for Kim. _“Uh, Katya?”_

“What?” Is Kim really gonna do this again?

_“Have you asked her? She’s a photographer.”_

Oh. _Oh_. She _is_. Trixie totally, absolutely didn’t  make the connection between _Katya being a photographer_ and _Katya being a photographer_. “I… I hadn’t thought of it.”

_“You are so fucking stupid.”_

At least now she’s _said_ it.

“She probably won’t be available anyway.”

Kim shrugs. _“Won’t hurt to ask.”_

*

“I can’t believe you got me a job on my weekend off,” Katya says in lieu of greeting her as she enters Trixie’s place, the smile on her face contradicting her serious tone. Once she’s in, she looks around. “Oh wow. Pink.”

“Uh, sorry, if you don’t want-”

“I’m kidding!” And when Katya turns back to her, she’s smiling even bigger and this time a lot more honestly, her astonishingly white teeth on display. “Thank you for thinking of me, it’ll be great for us to work together now! And I love the walls.” She points again to the light pink paint and Trixie follows with her eyes, fixates for some reason on the dark stain where she’d killed a spider earlier that week and hadn’t really cleaned.

“That’s true, we’ll work together.” Trixie smiles, feels excited at the prospect. “If either of us kills the other, the one standing will have to tell Shea and Sasha.”

Katya makes a face. “Hopefully I’ll be the killed one, then.”

Trixie tells Katya to make herself comfortable as she fetches her binder from her bedroom so she can show Katya what her plans are and tell her a little bit about the couple. After the skype call with Kim she had called Katya and asked if she’d be interested - she’d said yes immediately and gotten the contact of the bride to arrange pricing and all the details. Then the following day she suggested to Trixie that they touched base on what the wedding would be like. It will be good for them to have this experience together.

“Ok, so this is the bas- _oh no_.” Trixie’s eyes widen a bit as she sees Katya standing in the living room, a pink frame in her hands that she knows _exactly_ what it is. She has no idea why she has that picture on display, and the mirth on Katya’s eyes says she’s having the time of her life. “No, no, no, no, _no_.”

“Trixie Mattel, is this you tap dancing in a swan costume?”

Trixie’s sure her cheeks are bright red as she moves forward and snatches the frame out of Katya’s hands. “Yes it is and I looked _cute_ , ok.”

Katya laughs wholeheartedly, throws her head back for good measure. “You looked _adorable_! Do you tap dance, still? You _gotta_ show me.”

Trixie snorts. “No way.”

“Oh my god, that means you still do! Please, Trixie? Please, please, please?”

She’s ridiculous, has both her hands clasped in front of her like a child as she begs. Trixie’s trying really hard not to smile at how stupid and adorable she looks, her blonde hair in a loose ponytail getting looser and looser the more she bounces.

“You’ve hardly earned that level of friendship yet, you’ve yet to see me embarrass myself while _drunk_ , let alone _sober_.”

Katya’s eyes widen. “Can you tap dance _while_ drunk? Cause that would be, like, the greatest thing to ever happen to me.”

“Oh my _god._ ” Trixie rolls her eyes and moves past Katya to the couch. “Come on, we have work to do.”

“You are so boring!”

“Bitch I just got you some extra cash! You’re welcome.”

Katya rolls her eyes too as she follows Trixie to the couch, but she’s grinning widely. She sits down right by her, their legs touch slightly as she adjusts her flowy dress. Trixie grins back.

“I like you, Mattel,” Katya says in mock-seriousness, pulls a pair of glasses out of her purse and places them professionally on her nose.

“I like you, too, Zamolochihuahua,” Trixie replies with the same tone.

Katya screams her laughter and it echoes through the apartment.

Trixie finally manages to get Katya to focus on work and opens her binder full of pictures and little doodles and information. It’s a small traditional wedding for family and close friends that Trixie’s decorating mostly with lilac and pink tones and there’s a whole section in the binder dedicated to peonys and their appropriate uses in bouquets. It’s a lot, she knows it is, but she likes planning and she’s good at it and it’s what makes her so good at her job - because she is, she’s great at it and she _knows_ it. Maybe Katya will think she’s crazy, but that’s okay, everybody does. And maybe Katya won’t even care that much because she’s so carefree and she’ll just think it's funny how invested Trixie is.

But Katya just nods as she points and tells her things, squints her eyes when the picture on the page is too small or she’s trying to follow what Trixie wants to convey and she’s speaking too fast. At some point she takes the binder from Trixie’s hands, puts some pages impossibly close to her face as if she’s trying to see details that aren’t even there, and grabs one of Trixie’s post-its blocks and starts sticking little pieces of paper with her unreadable scrawl all over the pages where there are things about the venue or pictures of what the decoration is supposed to be like.

Trixie’s surprised at how into _work mode_ she seems to have gotten, completely immersed in what they’re planning and the best way possible to make this wedding look amazing - both on the day and the pictures that’ll come after. Trixie shouldn’t be surprised, she’s seen her wedding pictures and is still a bit awestruck with them, but she somehow can’t shake the image of Katya’s disappointed face when she talked about photographing _weddings_ , so it surprises her a little how invested she is.

Katya is a paradox, in certain ways. Trixie likes that.

-

After Katya spews more photography terms than Trixie could even dream to remember, let alone understand, she decides she needs wine. She always has three types of it: the cheapest one she drinks when she’s alone, the most expensive one she gets out when there’s something important going on, and the regular one that she gets out for friends so they don’t think she’s cheap or realize she really can’t tell difference anyway.

Katya accepts the glass Trixie offers her and only then does she divert her eyes from Trixie’s pictures once again.

“Is that Kim?” She points to a picture of Trixie, Shea and Kim, back when Trixie had just recently moved in with them in Chicago. They look much younger than they actually were - or maybe Trixie just feels older than she actually is.

“Yeah, that’s her.” Trixie smiles softly at the picture, remembers how easy life seemed back then. It’s not like life’s hard now, but she feels like moving to Chicago had been her _I’m ready to start my life_ phase and now she’s _in_ her life and she’s still just as lost as she remembers being then. Back then she had a _later_. Now she feels like she doesn’t.

Or maybe she’s just being dramatic. She has a job she likes that leaves her comfortable, the distance actually did wonders for the relationship with her mom, and she has friends she loves and she can rely on. Lots of people would kill for what she has.

“You miss her, don’t you?” Katya’s earnest as she asks, her eyes big and sincere, understanding. Trixie wonders if she’s had to leave people behind before, if she takes it as hard as Trixie does even after so many times.

“A lot. But at least I have Shea, you know.” _Until she gets married_ , the little voice in her head insists on adding. Which isn’t true, she’s not losing Shea, she _knows_ that. She just needs her subconscious to understand that too.

Katya nods and glances quickly at the pictures, and it truly is the first time Trixie notices how many of the displayed photos are of her and Shea. She sips on her wine, uncomfortably shifts her weight from one foot to the other. She’s not sure why she’s embarrassed, but even though she knows Katya noticed her discomfort and the pictures, she doesn’t say anything.

“So.” She turns back to Trixie and smiles, somehow manages to make Trixie relax her entire body just by doing that. “Let’s discuss the wedding. Sasha and Shea wedding, I mean.”

It’s weird how she she says _Sasha and Shea_ because Trixie tends to always say Shea’s name first. Then she reminds herself that Katya is Sasha’s friend first and foremost, that it’s likely that she’d put Sasha first in a lot more situations than just the name. She doesn’t know why that thought stuns her a bit, but it does.

“Uh, yeah, the wedding. Got any new ideas?”

“ _Yes_ , oh my god you’re going to _love_ this.”

She’s excited and even a little manic as she moves her hands and Trixie _knows_ that she’s about to say something stupid.

“I’m sure I won’t but amuse me, please.”

Katya closes her mouth, her face scrunched up in mock offense. “Why are you so mean to me?” she whines lightly as she plops back on the couch, the wine in her glass sloshing around and a few droplets landing on the rug.

“Because you drop wine on my things,” Trixie deadpans immediately as Katya’s eyes are still widening when she sees what she did, then soon placing the glass slowly on the coffee table.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

She looks genuinely shocked, a bit mad at herself even.

Trixie rolls her eyes and sits down besides Katya. “It’s just a few red marks, it’s fine. The whole house is a mess anyway.”

Katya looks at her, still unsure. “Really? I can pay to have it cleaned, I’m such a disaster.”

“Hey, it’s fine, really,” she reassures Katya with a smile and touches her wrist lightly. “Just tell me your sure-to-be horrendous idea.”

Katya relaxes a bit at that, and laughs as she swats Trixie’s hand away. “Stop it! My ideas are great. Anyway, get this: a Game of Thrones themed wedding.”

Trixie blinks slowly as she looks at Katya who has her lower lip on her teeth clearly trying not to laugh. Trixie knows she’s joking, but part of her is still a bit worried that maybe Katya really is _that_ crazy.

“Tell me you’re joking right now because I’m from Wisconsin and I’m not afraid to kill a bitch.”

Katya bursts into the loudest laughter Trixie has ever heard which is closely followed by her laughing silently like a fool as she flails her arms around and Trixie can’t help herself at the sight, she _loves_ making people laugh.

“Ok, ok, wow.” Katya is still laughing and Trixie’s pleased, even if it really wasn’t that funny. “I just wanted to see your face. That was great.”

“Joke like that again and you’re fired,” she threatens with her finger pointed at Katya’s face in mock seriousness.

“You can’t fire me!”

“Try me.”

The rest of the evening passes as they bicker back and forth and work is once again forgotten. They really need to get a grip.

*

Trixie decides that she’ll just take this one extra week until the other wedding and then she’ll dive into Shea and Sasha’s. She tells them that they have this one week to come up with a theme for it - be it specific or not, elaborate or not, just come up with something and they’ll _start_. As soon as this weekend’s over.

The wedding is at the groom’s grandparents house a little our off the city and Katya offers to drive them there on the day of the ceremony. Trixie actually has to be there _much_ earlier than Katya to set up the final decorations and all that, but Katya says she doesn’t mind and wants to go anyway. So Saturday morning she exists her apartment ten minutes before the agreed time with Katya just to be sure there’ll be no delays and she finds her car at the entrance as soon as she’s out of the building. So far Katya’s been early to every appointment they’ve had and Trixie can’t express how much she likes that.

“Morning!” she greets as she’s opening the backdoor to throw her million bags inside. She’s got her makeup ready but is still wearing simple clothes as she has to move around and fix last minute details, so she’ll change once she’s got that done. Katya, however, she notices when she moves over to the passenger seat, is impressively dressed if not for the flip-flops. Trixie did not think she’d have a fashion sense that would actually be applicable to the universe they live in, but she’s wearing a very professional blouse and a pretty round skirt and her hair is up in an elaborate updo. Trixie can see little touches of _weird_ all around her, with the eyeballs on her hair clips and the tiny hands on her earrings, but they’re small and would go unnoticed unless someone looked attentively.

As attentive as _she_ is, with the door open and her eyes glued on Katya and her mouth slightly agape - she notices before gulping and settling down on the seat.

Katya has her eyebrows up and a tiny smirk on her lips when Trixie looks back at her. “Morning,” she greets, her smile gets a bit wider.

“Uh. You look very pretty,” she compliments because she _does_. Katya has this natural beauty that Trixie can admire in general and even through her usually terrible fashion sense she manages to accentuate that with how she dresses. And today she put a real effort into making her makeup not resemble a racoon so Trixie can appreciate that.

“Thank you! You look great, too.”

Trixie would _never_ wear the clothes she’s wearing now to a wedding but it makes her chuckle that Katya thinks she would. “Thanks.”

They drive the rest of the way talking about the wedding and Katya keeps her flip flops on all morning as she helps Trixie set things up. Trixie has one fixed employee only who is quite terrible at her job unless the event they’re decorating sparks her interest. So Trixie usually doesn’t bring her to things and is used to just doing everything herself basically - unless, of course, it’s a big event (she hires people, she’s not a crazy person). Still, it’s remarkable how having someone that genuinely puts in the work - while also listening to her instructions throughout - makes a difference. And Katya points out things as they’re fixing the details, how she thinks some things should be in different positions so the photos will look better.

Trixie doesn’t like people meddling with her work, doesn’t trust that easily, but she listens and agrees to all. Everything looks great. She can’t wait to see the pictures Katya will take.

Once things are set Trixie goes off to change and look a bit more professional to the guests - most decorators don't bother to be there as the ceremony is going, but Trixie's learned that it's when guests arrive that things start really going wrong. So she's always there, always fixing, always following the photographer and making sure that the space they're capturing next is perfect. It's why she's good at what she does, why her business is so small but so successful.

"God," Katya gasps when Trixie leaves the bathroom with her appropriate outfit and her heels and her hair done. "You look beautiful."

She looks a little out of herself as she gives Trixie not one, but two full-body glances. Trixie blushes immediately, hasn't really gotten attention like that in a long time - especially by a woman like Katya who despite her insistence that she's just a friend _is_ absurdly pretty, even more now that she's put on heels which make her legs longer and her figure slender and her overall body - well, _hot_.

"Uh, thank you. Don't want to look homeless near all the well-dressed guests."

Kotya nods, apparently comes back to her body at that and chuckles nervously once she realizes she was staring.

“Let me just use the bathroom really quick and then I can take some pictures of you?”

“Oh, you don’t have to.”

“Please? It’ll help me with the angles.”

It’s a lie and Trixie knows it - it probably will help but she can see that that’s not why Katya’s asking. Warmth spreads throughout her entire body, but she just nods and moves aside.

Shea’s right, Trixie _is_ lonely.

Maybe she should consider dating again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just as short as chapter two and I am very disappointed in myself but I did have plans on what to write for the chapter and I think I fullfilled them so I hope you guys like it anyway! If you like this please please please leave me a comment below and of course you can always reach out on tumblr where I'll be more than happy to talk to you - I'm [Pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/) there.


	4. We're all hoping, we're all hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Trixie knits her eyebrows together, excited to hear more about Katya. “Really? What changed?”_
> 
> _That makes Katya turn her head back inside, open her eyes fast and blink a few times at the sun. She seems uncertain, almost regretful at having said anything._
> 
> _She just shrugs. “Life, I guess. Things change.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my angels!!! i took a quick break to fight this chapter as it was Not coming along and so i posted a new thing that is already finished (which you can read [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15564396) if you missed it!) but then this chapter helped me and actually decided to happen! i decided to split my original idea for the chapter into two bc a few scenes got out of hand and i didn't want this to me super long and also i think it works fine how it is so i hope you'll enjoy. as usual a huge thank to every single one of you that keep on reading my things and giving me feedback, it means the world! and of course thank you to [Conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/) for always making sure i'm not being too hard on myself, for reassuring me and proofreading my things!

Katya’s told the couple it’ll take a few weeks for the photos to be ready because she has to pick them out and do some light touch-ups and put the album together, but she tells Trixie that she can show her the unfinished photos in a couple of days if she wants to have an idea of how they look.

Trixie is eager to do so. She usually tries to not set expectations but she has this vision in her mind of what their combined efforts will look like and she can’t wait to see it, honestly. They work so well together, that has to translate into the final result, right?

She also thinks it’ll be nice for Shea and Sasha to see the pictures, to gage whether or not Trixie and Katya match professionally (they do), so she suggests it to Katya.

_Katya: i literally just texted sasha!! i thought the same thing_

Trixie smiles at how in sync they are.

_Trixie: cool! let me know when_

_Katya: she asked if we can do dinner tomorrow?_

It’s weird, a little, to have Sasha asking Katya if Trixie is free, but nonetheless she is.

_Trixie: yeah, i can close the store early_

_Katya: great, we agreed on seven, but take your time_

_Trixie: seven is perfect_

She leaves her phone unlocked on her desk and goes back to staring at her planner. She’s at the Shea and Sasha section looking at the gigantic to-do list she and Katya had come up with and she’d just crossed off _choose a theme_ as Shea had texted her earlier today to let her know it would be _modern art_. She’s not surprised at all by it but it _is_ weird as hell and Trixie isn’t entirely sure of how to turn that into a wedding decoration. She’ll manage, though, she did a wedding once where the theme was _dolphins_. Apparently she is a freak-magnet.

She glances at her phone again, expects there to be a string of texts from Katya, babbling or telling her about a weird photo or just the picture of a dog - she sends those frequently. Instead, there’s nothing. She frowns but tries not to focus on it, Katya is probably developing the photos or whatever, she must be busy. Then her phone pings.

_Katya: duh, obviously. You know me better than anyone!_

_Katya: oops, sorry Trix, wrong chat_

Oh.

For some reason the text doesn't sit well with Trixie. She locks her phone then, turns its screen down, and goes to the kitchen for some water. She considers texting Shea or Kim or anyone, really, but glancing at her phone when she goes back to her tiny home office, she actually leaves it there and turns off the lights. Going to bed early for once will do her good.

-

Trixie gets to Sasha’s place at seven thirty - that's fine though, earlier that day she had texted Shea saying she wouldn't make it at seven - and what completely throws her off is that Violet is the one opening the door.

"Oh," she blurts out for lack of anything else to say. It's not that she minds Violet but she was ready for a relaxing and fun evening with only Katya, Shea and Sasha so now Violet's there which means that Pearl is too and who knows who else. This is now practically a dinner party rather than a relaxing evening. Her stomach drops a little.

"Hey, come in." Violet doesn't even greet her properly, has a full glass of wine in her hand and just smiles and motions inside.

Trixie goes in calmly, she knows the apartment very well and can navigate easily behind Violet’s back, avoiding the tiny bit of carpet that isn’t glued to the floor anymore and almost everyone trips on.

“Hey!” Sasha greets from where she’s setting food on the table - she’s taken up cooking in the past few months and Trixie can’t believe she excels at it as well. “Come in, I just took the lasagna out of the oven.”

Trixie walks over to her and hugs her with one arm, her eyes travelling through the room looking for Katya and Shea. She can see neither and she hopes they will join them soon so she isn’t alone with with Violet and Sasha even though they’re two people with whom she usually gets on tremendously well with. She has no idea what’s gotten her nerves  so worked up so suddenly, but she needs to get a grip.

Shea, however, reappears from the bathroom door in seconds. “Trixie, you’re here! Thank god I am _starving_ and Sasha would not let me touch the food.”

She hugs Trixie quickly as they both laugh, moves to the table where Violet is opening a bottle of wine and asking Sasha what the bottle says because it’s in a foreign language.

“Where’s Katya?” Trixie asks suddenly, unable to wonder in silence any longer.

The three other women stop abruptly, exchange a glance before looking back at her.

“Smoking on the balcony with Pearl and Ginger.” Shea answers with a sly grin.

“Oh my god, don’t you dare drag anyone else into your delusion.” Trixie threatens with her finger as she walks towards the balcony. They laugh behind her, but Trixie ignores to pay attention to the voices speaking quietly outside. She can’t make up the words, it’s almost like they’re whispering. She slides the glass door open.

They all stop talking at the same time, all turn to see who it is. Katya is at the far end of the balcony, the farthest from the Trixie, but she smiles wide and drops her cigarette to go and hug her.

“Trixie! You’re here!”

Trixie hugs her back, it lasts longer than the previous ones and Katya squeezes her a little before letting go. It feels nice.

“Sorry I’m late. Hey, Pearl.”

Pearl hugs her too, short but friendly, and Trixie turns to Ginger. She’s met her twice in her life and they never said more more than _hi_ or _bye_ to each other. Ginger just waves, so Trixie waves back.

“Come on, let’s eat so I can show you the pictures.” Katya drags Trixie inside holding her wrist and Trixie ignores the look Shea gives her. “God you’re gonna _love_ them, they look amazing, you did an _incredible_ job.”

Trixie blushes, feels all eyes turning to her as they move towards the table.

“You photoshopped in all of the decorations like we agreed, right?” It’s easier to joke, she finds usually, so she tries. It makes everyone laugh so she feels like she’s regaining her confidence.

“Oh my god it was _decorations_? I thought you said _generations,_ I just photoshopped her grandma everywhere!”

Trixie scream-laughs and Shea and Sasha laugh too, but the other three just roll their eyes, clearly accustomed - and maybe _over_ \- Katya’s weird sense of humor. Trixie doesn’t care though, she’s more comfortable now that she’s bantering with Katya.

They all move to the table and somehow she ends up with Katya by her right side and Shea by the left. It’s at the same time the best and the worst place she could sit, somehow, but dinner goes on smoothly as the glasses keep on getting filled and Sasha’s vegetarian lasagna happens to be the healthiest thing Trixie’s eaten all week - which says loads about her routine.

When they move to the couch to look at Katya’s photos Trixie notices she never asked why the other girls are there, but it doesn’t matter much. They’re all friends, they’ll all be at the wedding, it’s fine if they see the pictures. Trixie did good with the decoration. She’s not worried they’ll think she’s isn’t good. Not at all. In the slightest.

Her hands are maybe shaking a bit though, as Katya connects everything to the TV and sits on the arm of the couch right by her side. She turns to her, her still astonishingly beautiful teeth in display as she smiles reassuringly at Trixie, looking like she _knows_.

“They look amazing, Trix. Don’t worry.”

She tries to relax as Katya goes photo by photo, from the empty space before the guests arrived to the end of the party when things were no longer in place. Everyone is quiet, observing, and Trixie takes one look at Katya’s face before she realizes that Katya’s nervous too, if maybe less.

This is it, in a way. Maybe Shea and Sasha will hate the photos. Maybe they’ll think Trixie was sloppy or that Katya didn’t capture the important moments. Maybe they’ll think something’s lacking and that Trixie and Katya didn’t coordinate their work together very well. Maybe they’ll just think it’s bad.

It wouldn’t be the end of the world, obviously. But this is Trixie’s whole existence at the moment, her job, and she knows Katya puts effort in what she does too. And it’s their _best friends_. It would sting more than Trixie would be able to admit.

She moves her hand to Katya’s wrist, squeezes it in reassurance as they approach the end of Katya’s slideshow. They shouldn’t be worried, the photos turned out phenomenal and Trixie is, as per usual, in awe of Katya’s talent, and she’s also proud of what she did. There’s no way they’ll hate it, right? Plus what other option do they have? They can’t fire their best friends, can they?

Trixie will never get over it if Shea looks her in the eyes and says she isn’t good enough to do her wedding.

“I think I speak for everyone here when I say _wow_.” Sasha is the first to break the silence. Trixie looks over the other girls, all eyes are glued to her and Katya, and she tries to remind herself that they’re all friends there.

Fake confidence is always her best weapon, so she armors up. “Best damn wedding you’ve ever seen, right?”

Katya laughs behind her and surprisingly the girls all start nodding as if she wasn’t joking.

“I can’t believe it but it actually is,” Ginger offers. Trixie’s taken aback. “And Katya sent me zero texts saying she wanted to kill you which is definitely new.”

“We were great together!” Katya’s hand finds Trixie shoulder as she says that, and pride is once again blossoming in Trixie’s chest. “I can’t _wait_ for your wedding we’ll have so much fun, right Trix?”

“Yeah, absolutely.” Trixie’s smiling, she’s giddy because of everyone’s reactions. Still, she wants verbal validation from Shea on their work. “Shea? You liked it?”

“Of course I liked it, you bitch! These photos look great and you can see all the details you put into the decoration. You guys are truly a perfect match.”

Trixie ignores her look, knows Shea will never give up on fixing her up, and turns back to Katya smiling. “We are!”

She doesn’t miss everyone else’s looks as she turns back. She chooses to ignore it, though. She’s happy and she can fully say she’s excited for the wedding.

*

“What did you think?” Trixie asks as soon as she connects the phone to her ear, immediately holding the device with her shoulder so she can fiddle with all of the papers on the desk in front of her.

_“Well hi, Trixie, I am doing wonderful how about you?_ ” Trannika replies sarcastically. Trixie merely rolls her eyes.

“I’m not exchanging pleasantries with you, just tell me what you thought! Don’t they look amazing?”

_“Wow, you don’t care about my life? About my news? My sorrows? Good to know.”_

“Oh my _god_. How are you, Miss Trannika?”

_“Eh. Same as ever.”_

“God, I hate you so much.”

Trannika laughs loudly on the other side and it pulls a smile on Trixie’s lips. She misses hanging out with her.

_“But yeah yeah, they look amazing. Your decorations were, as usually, flawless, it’s like Persephone herself came to earth to spread those flowers around.”_ Her mocking tone is intense, but Trixie knows it means she liked it.

“Thank you, I was really proud of it. And what about the photographs? Isn’t Katya incredible?”

_“She sure is. Or so I’ve heard you think.”_

“Oh my god, no. Nope. I refuse to let this happen.”

_“Kim told me you’d react like that! She was right, this is fun.”_

“She put you up to it?”

_“Of course. You know there are few things I enjoy more than making fun of you.”_

“You’re horrible.”

_“Thank you! But anyway how are you? Working yourself to the bone still?”_

She hesitates. “No.”

_“Are you at the store right now?”_

Trixie looks down at the desk in front of her, all of the papers with ideas and annotations and to-dos that she’d been figuring out.

“... no?”

_“Trixie Mattel!”_

“There are things to do, ok! People who want to get married!”

_“For example you, who will actually never do it if you don’t stop working and go out for one minute to meet a girl.”_

“I’m fine.”

_“Sure. How’s Shea’s wedding going?”_

Her tone is poignant as she jumps to the subject, but Trixie’s more than used to ignoring it.

“It’s only officially going now. That’s what I’m looking at, I’m probably gonna start scheduling appointments. Can’t wait for cake testing.”

_“Isn’t the couple supposed to do that?”_

“Yeah but I’m tagging along, bitch. It’s cake!”

_“Please don’t let Shea buy anything with raisins I will kill her at her own wedding and you know she might try.”_

“Don’t worry I’m going with them to make sure the cake is edible. Lots of chocolate”

_“Good.”_ There’s a beat of silence, Trixie considers ending the call, but then Trannika clears her throat and Trixie knows that it means she’ll be serious for one minute. _“Shea is really torn over this, you know.”_

“What?” Trixie panics, can’t bear to think of Shea being disappointed or unsatisfied at her. “She didn’t like our work?”

_“No, no, she loved it. She did, I can screenshot her messages saying_ those two were made to work together _or whatever. But she feels you were rather adamant on being the decorator and therefore not being the maid of honor. Like... you could be both?”_

Trixie sighs. She thought they were over this. “Why doesn’t she talk to _me_ about it?”

_“Because she thinks that whatever reason you have for not taking part in her wedding is something you don’t wanna tell her. Which, you know, it’s true.”_

“There’s no reason for anything, I don’t _don’t_ want, I just want to help with the wedding.”

_“Sure. Right. You think I’m blind?”_

“I think you’re nosy and should worry about your own life.”

_“Oh wow,”_ She mocks. _“Okay. But anyway you_ could _do both.”_

“You know that’s not how I work.”

_“You could do it for Shea.”_

“I _am_ doing this for Shea!” She’s defensive and she knows it, but it’s like Trannika doesn’t _get_ it.

Another beat of silence.

_“Okay. Fine. Whatever you say.”_

“Trannika, it’s nice of you to worry or whatever, but-”

_“It’s fine, I get it. Promise me you won’t work yourself straight into your grave?”_

Trixie looks at the papers in front of her, all of the things she needs to do. “I promise.”

_“Okay. I have to go then. I truly liked the photos, my compliments to Katie-”_

“Katya,” Trixie corrects immediately.

_“Katya, whatever. Love you, bitch. Go home!”_

“Love you, too. I won’t.”

_“Ugh.”_

“Bye!”

*

“What exactly are we doing here?” Katya asks when she manages to untangle herself from the five sets of curtains that block the entrance of the store. “Actually, no. _Where_ is here?”

“This is the best fabric store in town,” Trixie replies already navigating through the shelves, waving to all of the employees who are more than familiar with her.

“In town? We drove for an hour. Wait, this is a ploy to kill me and dispose of the body with privacy, isn’t it?”

“Damn, you’ve got me. I’ll choke you with silk, it’s classy.” She points to the green-ish piece of fabric she’s holding as Katya walks towards her.

“I can think of better uses for silk. _And_ choking, by the way.”

They stare at each other as Katya finishes speaking, her eyes growing a bit as she realizes what she just said.

“Kinky,” Trixie comments with a poker face.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, was that inappropriate?”

Trixie can’t hold it in, scream-laughs loudly and it reverberates through the weirdly set up store.

“Not unexpected at all coming from you. And I think we’re past the point of being appropriate.”

“Does that mean you’ll tap dance for me?” She has a devilish grin as she asks.

“You wish.”

“Come on, you dragged me to a _fabric_ store! I deserve it.”

“I distinctly remember you saying _I want to be involved in every part of this process, you’re not planning this alone even if you’re a workaholic and planning freak_ , which, by the way, I resent.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of tasting possible foods and choosing the wine.”

“You know we’re not the ones who choose the food right?” Trixie omits that she’s definitely planning on helping with all of the food tasting as well.

“We can’t choose the theme, can’t choose the food. Next you’ll tell we can’t choose the music.” Trixie gives her a look and she groans. “Ugh. You’re no fun!”

“I’m just very determined on making sure you have a bad time.”

“It shows,” Katya jokes.

Trixie slaps her arm, laughing. “You bitch!”

“I’m kidding, I surprisingly have a great time every time we hang out.” She makes a motion as if she’s pushing her glasses back up her nose except she isn’t wearing glasses and it looks very dorky instead of elegant.

“I _am_ a delight to have around.”

“ _Sure_ ,” Katya agrees sarcastically and Trixie smiles as they continue to explore the store.

Trixie’s showed Katya her ideas and sketches for the wedding a few days ago so she has a pretty good idea of what she’s looking for, even if she’s doesn’t understand anything about the fitting or the trim of each fabric. She settles on finding the colors as Trixie then inspects each of them closely to see if they’ll suffice to do what she has planned.

She’s not buying them today but she needs more concrete information to turn her drafts into a real proposal to give Shea and Sasha. She never does a wedding until the couple is completely on board with what she’s planning and she’s not about to fail now.

Katya finds it absurd that they leave almost an hour later with nothing but the black fabric with printed eyes that _she_ bought as soon as she saw it so she could make a skirt.

“This is an important step of my decoration process. I do it every time,” Trixie explains once they’re back in her car and Katya’s voiced her surprise, the noon sun shining bright above their heads and making her squint as she searches blindly for her sunglasses in the glove compartment, highly aware of Katya’s bare thighs in her short shorts mere inches away.

“Really?” Katya does not seem to notice, or if she does, she doesn’t care.

“Yeah, I like to go through the fabrics so I can picture my idea better in my mind. Then I can actually come up with an idea and show the couple so they can agree on it.”

“Oh, the ones you showed me weren’t final?” She seems surprised and Trixie wonders if she thought they were good enough to be finalized ideas.

“No, of course not. I wanted your input first.”

“Why?”

“You’re planning this with me, duh.”

“Oh.” Katya seems surprised at being involved in this, looks even a bit sheepish. “Well, yeah. But this is decoration work. You don’t need to listen to me.”

“I know, but I like your opinion.” And it’s true, Katya’s views on things are usually fresh and unique and Trixie’s always in awe at how her mind works. “Unless you don’t want to be involved in it? I didn’t mean to overwork you-”

“No, no. I’m just surprised. But I’m glad, I feel important,” she puffs her chest mockingly and Trixie laughs while she tries to look away. “But, really, you do this every time?”

“Yep. I know most fabric store owners by name.”

“Wow. Sasha was right, you _are_ a workaholic.”

Trixie freezes momentarily at that. It never occurred to her that Katya’s knowledge of her workaholic fame had come from Sasha. “Sasha said that?”

Katya doesn’t seem to notice her discomfort, her eyes are closed as she faces the open window and lets the wind blow her hair back. “Yeah, she’s been saying it for ages. _You’ll really like her, works loads just like you_.”

“There’s a lot to be done!” she defends herself even though Katya is not really accusing her.

“There is! But life is more than work, I suppose. Or so i hear. I used to be a lot freer, you couldn’t catch me working past six a few years ago.”

Trixie knits her eyebrows together, excited to hear more about Katya. “Really? What changed?”

That makes Katya turn her head back inside, open her eyes fast and blink a few times at the sun. She seems uncertain, almost regretful at having said anything.

She just shrugs. “Life, I guess. Things change.”

There’s more to it than Katya’s letting on, but Trixie won’t press. She has things she doesn’t like talking about either and even though she really wants to understand Katya better, she respects her space.

“True. Tell me, a few years ago could I catch you wearing good clothes or has that always been a flaw?”

Katya wheezes out a laugh hitting her leg playfully and that sets the tone for the rest of their car ride and the lunch they decide to have too. Trixie feels the imprint of the hand for a long time.

*

Shea and Sasha love the ideas that Trixie showed them which means she's ready to start buying the supplies and also arranging with caterers to make sure that aesthetically everything is going to match. This is something she always itches to do for other weddings but decoration doesn't include food so she's left with her thoughts of how things would have turned out. But now she's the planner and she can do it and no one but Katya can stop her - she’s pretty sure she won’t.

Trixie's eager to talk to Shea about the fact that she's going behind her back to tell people she's upset Trixie doesn't want to be part of the ceremony, but at the same time she knows that this would likely lead to an argument that could possibly lead to questions Trixie doesn't want, or even doesn't know how, to answer, so she refrains. She's gonna pull off an amazing wedding and she'll be working during the ceremony, just as she always does, and Shea will see afterwards that it was worth it. And it's not like Trixie won't be there through everything, the aisle, the vows, the bouquet.

Plus, she'll keep Katya company - or Katya will keep _her_ company, whatever - and it'll be fun sharing the experience as an outsider, capturing things about their best friends that maybe they wouldn't if they were to be guests and get wasted. Trixie will be available to hold their dresses if they need to pee - considering they wear big wedding dresses which is unlikely, but point is, Trixie will be there - and to help them with any minor inconvenience because now not only is she a dedicated decorator but she is the _planner_. And the other planner will be taking as many photos as she possibly can. Trixie needs to be alert, available at all times.

That's what she tells herself.

She's back at the fabric store a few days later, has already started on the minor detail decorations she's planning and she's excited to start doing more, to see things taking shape. Katya has an event to photograph so she doesn't go with her, but she promises to pop in later to help her out in whatever she needs and mostly Trixie needs to reorganize the dates they scheduled for things because initial cake tasting somehow ended up on the same day as first dress shopping so they'll need to figure out a new schedule. Shea and Sasha have both said that they don't mind Trixie and Katya doing the initial triage and pre-selecting a few things so they're taking liberties - it's easier because they can do it during the day when the couple is working and also it doesn't overload them. Plus Trixie doesn't mind, she can almost pretend she's planning her own wedding - which she plans on being much simpler than this, but either way. It's nice to immerse herself in that fantasy sometimes.

"Trixie, back with your final design?" Javi, the owner of the store, greets her once she's inside. He's long accustomed to Trixie's process and tries to always be the one to serve her when she goes in the second time to effectively buy.

"You know it."

"Where's your girlfriend?" He asks as he turns around to the section she had spent the most time last time she was there, always paying attention to his customers.

"My what?" She's taken aback.

"The girl you brought with you last time. Bought the red eye fabric - what is she gonna do it with anyway?"

"A skirt- wait, no, she's not my girlfriend!" Even to her own ears she sounds more defensive than she knows she should. "Not that there would be anything wrong with that. She's amazing, one of my best friends really-" And then she shuts up, the reality of what she just said hitting her. Katya _is_ one of her best friends. She's known her for such a short time, but she is, and she never realized that before. It's amazing how sometimes people just click. She gulps. "But anyway, just friends." She laughs nervously.

Javi has his eyebrows knitted together, then raises them higher and higher as she keeps speaking until they almost disappear beneath his curly fringe. "Whatever you say, my dear. So, fabrics! Shall we?"

They go through all of the things Trixie had written on her planner and she considers buying more of the eye-thingy fabric because she thinks Katya could actually make a hideous jumpsuit instead of a skirt that it would somehow fit her better, but Javi's question is still swirling in her brain so she doesn't.

The thought doesn't leave her all day and she can't help but wonder why he would think that, what in her actions made him consider the possibility. How does Javi even know she's gay? She doesn't hide it but she never paraded around him with a pride flag.

Whatever it is, though, she tries to wash it away as she showers when she gets home because Katya is supposed to be there any second now so they can work a little and the last thing Trixie needs is to be thinking along the lines of _Katya_ and _girlfriend_ when she's standing right there.

When the doorbell rings, though, it's not Katya that Trixie sees through the door viewer.

"Pearl?" She snatches the door open.

"Hey, loser," Pearl greets already going in, hugging Trixie with one arm only and throwing herself on the couch. "What are you doing?"

"Uh… what are _you_ going? You just barged in?"

"Well you _did_ open the door."

" _Well_ , you're gonna have to leave either way. So bye."

"Why? You're in your pajamas."

Trixie hesitates, for some reason her minds plays a movie of Pearl's and the other girls looks the other night using as a soundtrack Javi asking if Katya is her girlfriend. She clears her throat. "I have some work to do."

"It's fine, I can chill. I came here to talk work, too."

_Ugh_. She's gonna have to say it. "Katya is coming over."

"Ooh, alright," She's getting up fast and Trixie’s surprised. "God forbid I stop you from getting laid for the first time in a decade."

"No!" Trixie denies, pushing her back on the sofa where she falls with with an _oof_. "It's not- we're not- she's coming here to _work_. Now leave."

Pearl eyes her suspiciously but doesn't push further, surprisingly. "You'll look at Shea's wedding? 'Cause that's why I'm here."

That gets Trixie intrigued. "What is it?" But just as she finishes asking, the doorbell rings again and Trixie's pinching the bridge of her nose. "Well, fine. It's a party now."

"Sorry I'm late, I had a lot less gas than anticipated." Katya apologies once the door is open and unlike Pearl she hugs Trixie with her entire body. Trixie's about to say it's fine and warn her that Pearl is sitting on the couch, but she's already moving inside. "Pearl, hey!" Trixie can hear her greeting as she closes the door.

The lack of annoyance in Katya's voice at Pearl's presence is somewhat jarring but Trixie pushes it down. It's a completely irrational feeling.

"Well, Pearl is joining us apparently, as you can see. I hope you don't mind."

"The more the merrier!" Katya replies genuinely and the feeling starts to resurface. "Plus she doesn't get on my case about smoking," she jabs at Trixie as she sits down by Pearl’s side, grins at her.

The feeling is back full on.

"I'll go get some wine," she mumbles already on her way to the kitchen.

"For work?" She can hear Pearl's confused voice, but she's already popping the bottle. She has no idea what Pearl could possibly have to do with planning the wedding, but for some reason she can sense she’ll need alcohol.

It could be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not going to apologize about the size because i'm owning it and will make an attempt to have all of my chapters be somewhat similar so i hope you enjoyed this nonetheless! pls pls pls consider leaving me a comment here, or an ask on tumblr, a message anything! you can find me there as @[pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/)


	5. We all talk, but we don't listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Trixie shrugs, but her mouth runs off a bit with the help of the alcohol. "Did you know you're the only person who calls me Trix?"_
> 
> _Katya's eyes actually bulge a bit. "Really? Should I stop?"_
> 
> _"No, no," she denies it faster than she can think about it. "I like it."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi beautiful folks! i probably have the most irregular posting schedule of all times and i try not to stress too much about it, so. my muse decided to visit me these past few days so the chapter came out faster than expected and it also brought a few hundred words for chapter six already so i'm really really hoping to be done with it soon too. this is what was originally part of chapter 4 so technically the fic has three not two more chapters planned but i won't change it yet because who knows what might happen. as usual thank you so much to all of you who support me and a special thanks to [conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/) for proofreading and geeking out about this!

One good thing had come out of Pearl’s visit: she’s now the official - free - DJ for the wedding. She’d been meaning to offer for a long time, apparently, but wanted it to be a secret from Shea and Sasha. Trixie’s heart is twice as big as Pearl promises she knows she’s good and that she really wants to give this to them so she obviously says yes. By the look on Katya’s face she’s in awe too.

Finding a DJ is then instantly crossed off Trixie’s list and even if she didn’t really put any effort in the task being completed, she feels a sense of accomplishment that is really wonderful. One by one the list is getting smaller and Trixie is more and more convinced that they’ll really manage to throw the perfect wedding. She really, really hopes they do.

She and Katya also manage to rearrange their schedules so that they're mostly free at the same time for the next month or so which will leave them with enough time to do all of the initial appointments they had planned before Katya has to travel to Boston for a few days for her nephew's first birthday. Trixie's hoping to get a lot of things done by then, she doesn't feel right at the idea of planning and doing things by herself while Katya is away.

That could be because she has way more fun when Katya is with her for these tasks, but mostly, she tells herself, it’s because they’re a team.

“So! Cake tasting!” Katya greets her as she opens the passenger door and joins her in the car, a wide grin on her cherry lips.

“Wrong, gift listing.”

“Ugh,” Katya fakes annoyance. “Can we put extravagant weird things on the list?”

Trixie looks at her briefly, considers her offer. “One weird item each and that’s it.”

“Yes! I knew you were fun!”

“Excuse me, I have been nothing but fun with you since we met.”

Katya looks at her then, a glint of something Trixie can’t recognize in her eyes although she can feel it’s warm, and nods. “That’s true, you have.”

Trixie blushes despite herself, focuses back on the road and they drive in silence for the next ten or so minutes except for the radio playing lowly.

“Are you excited for Boston?” Trixie asks when she feels that the silence has extended too long, even if it’s a comfortable one.

“Oh my god, you don’t even know! My nephew is the cutest thing, I can’t wait to smush him again. And mom always makes the most ridiculous parties unnecessarily, there’ll be more food than our family needs for like a month much less one afternoon. But it’s great, it’ll be great. I really miss them.”

Trixie smiles fondly, can feel the happiness and love in Katya’s voice as she speaks of her family, but feels something pulling inside her at the same time. She doesn’t want to, but it’s hard. “I’m happy for you. If you need tips for decorating, I’m your gal.”

Katya nods smiling. “I might take you up to that. You’d be horrified at my sister’s decorating skills.”

Trixie merely hums and smiles in response and even though she’s looking forward because they’re almost at the first store they’re supposed to go, she can feel Katya’s gaze strongly on her.

“What?” she asks.

“Nothing. You just seem a bit down.”

Trixie shrugs uncomfortably. “I don’t mean to sound… well, like I’m gonna sound, but I wish I had a family like yours.”

“How so?”

“I get along with them, don’t get me wrong. Especially now that I live away my relationship with my mom is always improving, you know, now that I’m no longer under her wings. But my childhood wasn’t exactly picture perfect and certain things just remain broken, I guess.” She sighs as she stops the car, looks earnestly at Katya. “That sounded more poetic than I meant it to. I’m just saying that as good as things are now, we’ll probably never be a close, happy family.”

Katya knits her eyebrows together. “My family has issues, too, Trixie.”

“Oh, of course, I didn’t mean- sorry.” She sighs again, closes her eyes forcefully. “I always get a bit more sensitive on the subject this time of the year. I’m sorry.”

Katya motions to her wrist, stops her from opening the door of the car. “Something in particular?”

Trixie gulps, sees the worry and questions in Katya’s eyes and decides that she’s way past pretending she can’t - or doesn’t feel like - telling things to Katya. “My dad left around this time when I was like eight. And my step-dad moved into our house around the same time a year later. None of these memories are particularly good.”

Katya’s mouth falls agape and Trixie feels bad for ever having said anything. It’s been almost twenty years, these things should resurface as quickly as they still do. She's probably just ruined a perfectly fine outing with a friend.

“Trixie. I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” she downplays it, even though it sort of isn’t.

“No, it’s- it’s tough. I’m sorry you went through that.” She looks positively upset and Trixie hates herself a bit for deflating Katya so much when she’d been so excited about her trip home.

“It’s been a long time. My dad wasn't a great man and my step-dad moved away a few years later, my mom recovered, we all managed to pick up our financial situation. All in all it’s been good. I promise.”

She isn’t exactly lying. They are all better now, good. Happy even. Or almost there, as Trixie tells herself.

“Okay.” Katya nods, apparently okay with ending the discussion. They exit the car and enter the antique store that Sasha had provided the address for. Trixie is absolutely not surprised at Sasha’s first choice of gift store and given Katya’s face neither is she - although she herself looks more excited to be in such a place than anything else.

“We’re not here to buy anything for us, this is gift listing.” Trixie tells her as Katya picks up one, two, three useless trinkets with wide eyes, enamored with the place.

“Not even one?” She asks with a pout, resembling a child.

“I’ll give you ten minutes once we finish running through their list,” Trixie offers as she shows Katya the paper she has with Sasha’s handwriting detailing what is it they expect from that store. It’s just a few things, the whole thing should take less than half an hour, so Trixie’s happy to let Katya indulge herself for a little while afterwards. She looks cute with the crinkles around her eyes as she smiles.

They move to the register to understand how the whole “making a list” works and true to Trixie’s expectation it takes them twenty minutes once she gives the woman behind the register her list. Despite the old nature of the store they have a website and they setup sheaandsasha.goodoldstuff.com and promise the list will be available there by the end of the day.

Katya takes fifteen minutes to choose what she wants to buy - which ends up being lots, several small useless trinkets that Trixie rolls her eyes at but smiles regardless, and soon they’re heading to the second store which turns out to be a regular place with proper house and kitchenware even though the third place is also weird, but the rest of the day goes by smoothly, no more mentions of either of their families or negative pasts.

Trixie still allows them to include an extravagant weird item to the final gift list though, on the last store, and somehow both she and Katya manage to separately choose two stupid decoration masks - she picks up a jason one and Katya a phantom of the opera. She truly hopes someone buys them, and knowing their friends, they probably will.

*

“How many flavors are we in for?” Shea asks when the four of them enter the fancy dessert store which Trixie has assured them is not as expensive as it looks.

“As many as you’d like and can handle. Their menu has around a hundred.”

“A hundred it is,” Katya declares moving forward, passing all of them at the door.

“You don’t even care for cake,” Sasha chimes in and Trixie quickly turns her head at that.

“You don’t like cake?” she inquires shocked.

Katya shrugs. “I don’t really care for sweets.”

“ _What_?” How does Trixie not know that yet?

“Just not really my thing. I’m excited for the cake though, it’s their wedding cake and I’m gonna have a piece at the reception and it’s gonna be great.”

“How can you not like sweets?” Trixie asks still in shock as they all sit down, Katya by her side at the square table.

“Most importantly why did you come to the cake tasting?” Shea asks with a playful glint in her eyes.

“Because it’s a wedding thing, I’m the planner. I had to come.”

“False,” Sasha clarifies looking at the extensive menu.

“Sort of true actually, Trannika asked me to make sure Shea wouldn’t buy a weird flavor.”

“That was one time!”

“You bought her a coconut cake for her birthday. She’s allergic!”

Shea rolls her eyes and grabs the menu. “Fine. But there’ll be-”

“No raisins!” Trixie and Sasha say together and then they all dissolve into laughter.

“I like raisins,” Katya ends up confessing.

Trixie just groans as Shea high fives her.

They go through the menu until they’re happy with asking samples for about fifteen flavors which Trixie already thinks it’s too much but will try them nonetheless.

“So, how are things going?” Sasha asks both of them when they’re settled and waiting for the cakes.

“Good! We did the gift listing already and I started on the decorations and we’re-”

Sasha interrupts her quickly. “I meant with your lives, the wedding is not the most important thing.”

Trixie blinks then, surprised. The wedding sort of is her primary thing at the moment. And it's not even _hers_.

“I am making myself a wonderful skirt with a shiny black fabric embedded with small red demonic eyes, it’ll be amazing,” Katya replies easily through Trixie’s haze, seems delighted at the horrible piece of clothing she’ll gift herself.

“It’ll be _hideous_ , you mean,” Trixie offers. She looks to the other side of the table and fake-whispers as if it’s a secret. “I was with her when she bought the fabric, it’s truly horrendous.”

Shea raises her eyebrow and Trixie hopes for her to just _not_. Shea really ought to quit.

“Where did you guys buy it?”

_Oh no_.

“This fabric store really, really far away that Trixie took me to kill me before she changed her mind.”

She rolls her eyes and hopes Shea will let it go. “I was not gonna kill you, it’s just my favorite store and it happens to be out of town.”

Shea does not let it go. “You took her to Javi’s?” Her tone is extremely surprised.

“I did.”

“Why the surprise?” Katya asks confused.

“Because apparently it’s her favorite store and she never takes anyone there.” Shea answers somewhat smugly and Trixie would really love for her to shut up.

Katya looks at her, then, questioning but smiling, and she’s about to try to reply when thankfully about three waiters appear with several samples of cakes and glasses of water on several different plates.

They take their time explaining the flavors and then they’re supposed to try all of them getting sips of water - carbonated, which Trixie hates - in between to clean their palate and it pretty much kills any conversation they might try to have while there.

When they’re finished and Shea and Sasha agree on a cake - which Trixie and Katya are happy to sign off on as something their guests won’t want to kill them over - the sun is setting and they are fuller than they expected to be.

“Do you guys wanna come over and have some wine to try to push the cake down?” Katya offers as they walk to her car parked a couple of blocks away.

“Yes!” Trixie agrees immediately, as she had never been to Katya’s place and was really curious about it, but as she speaks she can also hear the other’s voices.

“That’s not how your stomach works,” Sasha says.

“We can’t,” Shea refuses.

“That’s fine. You coming, Trix? Or reschedule?”

Shea gives her a look and she considers how much she wants to see Katya’s apartment versus how much bullshit she’s willing to take from Shea.

“Reschedule? I probably shouldn’t be getting drunk today anyway, I’ve got an early appointment tomorrow.”

“That’s smart and responsible, how are we friends?”

They all laugh and gather inside Katya’s car and one by one she drops each at their place - Sasha, Shea and Trixie, as apparently Trixie lives the closest to her. It’s only when Trixie’s inside her apartment that she sees the text that Shea sent her, which considering the time she did as soon as she herself got home.

_Shea: you know i’ll stop teasing if it’ll get you to do something, right?_

She sighs and locks her phone again. The last thing she wants is advice from Shea.

*

If there’s one thing Trixie’s come to not expect, is to see Willam actually _in_ the store, _working_ , but that’s what greets her when she goes to work one morning a week or so later.

“Willam?” She’s partially sure her brain is making Willam up but to be honest why would her brain even bother?

“Hey,” Willam greets dismissively from where she’s sat, flipping nonchalantly through an old decor magazine.

“What are you doing here?”

“I work here,” she replies as if it’s obvious, doesn’t look at Trixie once.

Technically yes, she does work there. But that’s more of an honorary title than a proper job - Willam got herself a gigantic insurance check a few years ago after a car accident that left her completely unscathered except for a chip on one of her Louboutins and she hasn’t really worked since. She hangs out with Trixie at weddings a lot and pretends to help about as much as she actually does but mostly she goes for the free booze. Trixie doesn’t mind, usually, Willam is a fun person to have around and at the very least it grants her some company or someone to carry stuff around. Plus Trixie doesn’t have to pay her so that’s great.

“Right. I’m afraid I don’t have any tasks for you to do today, though.”

Willam gets bored, from time to time, and hunts down things to pass her time. Trixie usually asks her to do something very boring that she keeps putting off but she’s been so busy lately she can’t even think about anything to ask.

“Don’t you have to go anywhere? I can drive. I love driving.”

Willam hates driving and that’s a testament to how bored she is at the moment.

“Not really. I do have some phone calls to make, though? There’s that office party tomorrow and I need to make sure the flowers and other things I have arranged are okay.”

“Yeah, alright. Ain’t got nothing better to do anyway.”

Willam settles down with Trixie’s work phone and her little planner where the numbers and the arrangements are written and Trixie shuts her brain off to finish some manual decorations she’d stupidly decided to do.

She only comes out of the stupor when she clearly hears Willam’s voice say, “Hi Katya, this is Willam, Trixie’s assistant - sometimes out, sometimes in the bedroom. Who would you be?”

“Willam!” She’s out of her chair in a second, bumps her hip on the counter Willam is perched on and hisses for one second before grabbing the phone. “Are you insane?” She puts the phone to her ear to apologize to Katya but it’s silent.

“I didn’t call her, you idiot. I did see her name on your planner a _lot_ though. Who is she? Are you finally getting some?”

“ _No_ ,” she denies firmly, grabs her planner from Willam’s hands. “Why are you snooping around? All you needed was on one page.”

“I finished and I was bored. Gossip with me, please, I need entertainment.”

Trixie sighs heavily. Why is it that everyone just assumes she’s banging Katya? Willam hasn’t even _seen_ her. What the _fuck_.

“There’s no gossip or entertainment. She’s Sasha’s best friend, the one I’m planning their wedding with.”

“And you wanna bang her,” Willam concludes.

“No! Will you- why does everyone keep saying that? We’re friends.”

Willam shrugs. “You can fuck your friends, I do it all the time.”

“Well good for you but I don’t _want_ to fuck her, so.”

“Then why does everybody say you do?”

Trixie would love to know that herself. “Beats me.”

“Do you guys talk a lot?”

Trixie doesn’t want to entertain Willam’s theories but she also thinks that maybe explaining this once and for all and making _someone_ believe it would help her general situation, so she keeps talking.

“I mean, yeah. There’s lots of wedding stuff to take care of.”

Willam doesn’t buy it. “Do you only talk about the wedding?”

Trixie can feel her cheeks reddening. “Not exactly. We have things in common, she’s fun. We’re _friends_.”

She thinks back to how Katya’s quickly become one of her best friends but she bites that back. She’s probably already said too much for Willam’s inventive mind and may have dug herself into a hole.

“And do you hang out a lot?”

“Again-”

“Non-wedding related?”

They don’t really hang out unless their plan is to work on the wedding but they do get distracted from that often. Having lunch here and there means nothing, right?

She shrugs. “I mean, not much.”

Willam just nods and stays silent and Trixie thinks that’ll be the end of it. She’s wrong.

“How terrible would it be, though? If you guys hooked up?”

“Willam!”

“It’s a serious question. You’ve been single for a while, you clearly like her. Is she hot?”

“She’s- I _don’t_ like her!”

Willam rolls her eyes. “As a _friend_ or whatever,” she says as she makes quotations marks with her hands. “Really, Trixie, it’s fine if you’re attracted to your friends.”

“I’m not attracted to her _and_ you know I’m not a huge fan of the whole sex without feelings thing. And why are we discussing this? I don’t _want_ to sleep with her. You don’t even know her!”

Willam stares at her for a while and smirks. “This,” and she points at Trixie’s figure, “is why we’re talking about this. You are way too bothered by my questions. Why are you so stressed if you don’t like her?”

That renders her speechless.

“I’m- I’m just tired of people insinuating this, ok?”

“Who’s insinuating this?”

“Everyone! Shea, Pearl, Kim-”

“So literally the people that know you better than everyone else?”

Speechless again. Goddammit, Willam.

“That’s not- you’re twisting things!”

“Or maybe you like her and are in deep, deep denial? I’m just saying this because between meeting and going on a first date with your last girlfriend there was a five month gap. I know, Trixie, _I was there_.”

She _was_. And she pushed Trixie day after day to ask her out or make any sort of move. Insisted that she had a crush and had to act on it. And it annoyed Trixie to no end.

And she was right back then.

But she isn’t now - she can’t be. Trixie doesn’t like Katya and as wonderful as Katya is she doesn’t _want_ to like Katya. Liking friends is never good. It only ends in disappointment, one way or the other.

Trixie knows that better than anyone.

“But you are wrong now, okay? I don’t like her and I don’t want to sleep with her and I just want to be her friend. Okay?”

Willam shakes her head so lightly that Trixie could have imagined, but she ends up agreeing. “Okay.”

“Can we drop this now? I have work to do.”

“Sure. I’ll leave you to it. You look like you’ve got some steam to let out and I don’t want to be in punching range.”

Trixie doesn’t reply, merely nods as Willam gets her purse and moves to the door. Once the little bell indicates that it’s open, Willam’s voice reaches her again.

“You know I mean well, right?”

Trixie takes two deep breaths before she turns around to reply, but Willam is gone by then.

She knows it. She knows they all mean well. They’re all just wrong. She doesn’t like Katya.

She doesn’t.

*

The week following Willam’s impromptu boredom-induced-work day goes by much as the one before, she has lots of her usual gigs to tend to and so does Katya so they limit their shared plans to a minimum, although they do see each other still, including one day where they plus Shea and Sasha visit a few caterers and decide on the best possible menu - the advantages of having two people who’ll eat anything plus two vegetarians, one of which is less than healthy -, and one day where Trixie takes Katya to a fancy music school so she can ask an old friend who owes her one to play the violin at the wedding - _Why do you always take me to weird places?_ Katya had asked. _Because you’re weird_ , Trixie had answered. Katya thought that was fair.

Now they’ve done everything they had planned to do before Katya’s trip where she’ll be away for little bit over a week and Trixie tries not to worry because all of their plans seem to be on track. Katya insists that on her last free day before flying to Boston they have lunch together - _no agenda, just fun, you need to relax_ \- and how can Trixie deny any of that, really?

What she doesn’t expect is that Katya means lunch at her house with her cooking.

“You can cook?” She asks when Katya calls to confirm and give Trixie her address.

“I can read and follow direct recipe instructions, yes.”

“Am I in for food poisoning?”

“You’re in for a delicious meal with great company and mediocre wine. Or mediocre company and great wine, I don’t know your wine knowledge or your tolerance levels towards me.”

Trixie laughs and feels her stomach twisting a bit. She's overthinking every word she says to Katya since Willam had run her mouth and planted _things_ in Trixie's mind. She's now paranoid that she's acting like she likes Katya, that maybe she's giving that vibe, and she doesn't want Katya to get the wrong idea. She's no idea what she would say if Katya went for it. Katya won't, obviously, Trixie's grounded by the knowledge that Katya is way out of her league anyway and that makes it easier. But she doesn't want to give that impression. Because it's untrue.

Katya's company is one of the best Trixie can think of, but she can't say it now, not when her head is going over and over the possibilities and how that might read and Willam's voice is on repeat in her subconscious, tempting her, making her second guess herself.

"My wine knowledge allows me to make any company tolerable."

That seems like a safe line and sure enough it makes Katya laugh. It warms Trixie's heart because she loves making Katya laugh - correction, she loves making her _friends_ laugh. All of them. Even if strictly scientifically speaking Katya's laugh _is_ the cutest one.

Trixie sighs as her thoughts diverge again. She knows herself better than Willam or anyone else knows her. And she doesn't like Katya. She can't like Katya. Katya is wonderful and would most certainly be a wonderful girlfriend, but to someone other than Trixie. Because Trixie doesn't like Katya.

"Anyway, food should be ready by one, ok?" Katya is completely unaware of the stupid thoughts going on Trixie's mind and she's glad for it. She confirms and they end the call and Trixie's left wondering how she got there, overthinking, worrying so much.

Now it's all about Katya and Willam's fucking words that make more sense than Trixie wants to admit - _why_ does it bother her so much? She may lie to Willam but the answer to herself is that she doesn't know. But the issue is a lot deeper and she knows it. When was the last time Trixie wasn't _worrying_. Before the Katya… situation, there was always something. Her last girlfriend, her family. Shea.

She used to be so carefree. Is this what growing up feels like?

She occupies herself for the rest of the morning, tries to get rid of those thoughts and _anxieties_. She wants to have a fun, relaxing lunch with her friend and she doesn't need to be distracted by _thoughts_. She doesn't need to overanalyse everything - what if Katya's wearing something pretty? Does she say anything? Would that insinuate something? Or would _not_ saying something do so instead? These are things Trixie hasn't had to worry about since she was probably a teenager and she loathes her friends a bit for implanting those thoughts in her head again.

When it's time for lunch she does the only thing she can think of: she brings another bottle of wine just in case. They say that alcohol brings out only what you really feel, right? That's exactly what she needs. To reassure herself she doesn't feel what everyone says she does. Her and her true feelings only.

"I brought more wine!" she announces as soon as Katya opens the door.

"You think I'm serving you cheap wine, don't you?"

"Well, I don't know, _my_ wine is definitely cheap."

Katya grins. "It's a match, then!"

Katya hugs her as she crosses the door and Trixie's reminded of how good at hugging Katya is. She never halfasses a hug, none of the one-arm thing almost everyone does. It's comforting and Trixie likes it. And she won't let herself overthink it.

Katya's place is exactly as Trixie thought it would be, there’s useless stuff all around but it's somehow super organized and it's small but welcoming and the decoration should terrify Trixie's eyes but it somehow works, much like Katya's fashion style.

They sit on opposite sides of her very small table and Katya's made a vegetarian version of a shepherd's pie which actually tastes amazing. Their knees brush from time to time and Trixie gulps more and more wine each time it happens. She's feeling a little buzzed already and they keep drinking as they keep talking even as the food is long gone. Trixie was right, the alcohol is helping. She's just enjoying the company.

They move to the couch when the chairs become a bit uncomfortable, but Trixie's wine bottle accompanies them since Katya's is empty.

"You okay, Trix?"

"Hm?" she asks around her glass, all too aware that they're both in a mild drunken state already.

"You look a little spacey, I don't know."

Trixie shrugs, but her mouth runs off a bit with the help of the alcohol. "Did you know you're the only person who calls me Trix?"

Katya's eyes actually bulge a bit. "Really? Should I stop?"

"No, no," she denies it faster than she can think about it. "I like it." She does and it's weird because no one calls her that specifically because she used to hate it. Thankfully, she doesn't voice that last part.

Katya smiles lazily from where her head is perched on the back of the couch and it's nice and calming. Maybe this truly is the relaxing afternoon Trixie thought she'd have.

"Can I ask you something?" Katya breaks the silence and something in her tone puts Trixie on edge.

"Sure."

"Have you really never taken anyone to that fabric store?"

"Uh. No."

"Why? And why me?"

Trixie herself doesn't know the answer. "Never seemed appropriate. Now it did."

"Hm." She seems to consider a for a while, focuses on the lightbulb over their heads. "Can I ask something else?"

"You can ask things without asking if you can ask them, Katya."

Katya laughs but readjusts herself so she's almost entirely looking at Trixie and she feels compelled to turn in her direction as well, sips again at her wine for something to do.

"When I went to your apartment last time it looked like you wanted to kill Pearl. I thought you guys were good friends?"

"We are," she defends herself immediately. "And it wasn't that bad, she was just getting on my nerves that day."

"She was so nice, though."

"Yeah, she just-" Trixie stops and finishes her glass before pouring herself more wine. Maybe she's regretting her alcohol idea now, but it's too late to back down. "I had this plan with you and she appeared out of nowhere. I just don't like impromptu things."

"Right," Katya says and also finishes her glass. Trixie might be wrong but it looks like she's smirking a bit. Trixie won't press it.

"My turn to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"Remember when we first met? You said that you mostly photographed weddings because they pay much more."

Katya nods. "I did."

"I may be wrong but you looked so sad when you said it."

Katya just blinks.

"Well?" Trixie prompts.

"I don't know what you're asking."

She does and Trixie can see it, it's like she doesn't want to talk about it, but she's drunk almost an entire bottle of wine by then and just as she hoped her filters are wearing off. "Why do you not like doing weddings?"

Katya sighs, seems more displeased with the topic, but Trixie is even more stubborn when drunk so she won't back down.

"I don't _dislike_ them. I'm just not a fan."

"Why?" Trixie needs to know why Katya doesn't like weddings. She doesn't know why, but she does.

"I'm just, I don't know, call it _skeptical_. Being with the same person forever? Seems like a lot, doesn't it?"

"You don't believe in being with one person forever?" Trixie's heart is thundering for some reason.

Katya opens her mouth but closes it soon after. Whatever she was going to say, she clearly won't anymore. She's not meeting Trixie's eyes.

"I just think it's unrealistic. Don't you?"

"Not if you find the right person, I don't."

"I think- I think I'm too old to believe in all that now."

"We're the same age, Katya." She's more and more defensive at each sentence said but she can't stop.

"I just think that there was a time I believed in it. And that time's gone by."

Trixie wants to ask why, wants to press it and figure out why Katya doesn't believe in forever or _for the foreseeable future_ even. But she doesn't, because her heart is beating fast and her blood is buzzing in her veins and she's feeling _something_ which she can't place, but it keeps her mouth shut.

They're silent for a long while after that, Trixie's trying to put her thoughts in order. Her brain is not fully operating and contrary to what she thought would happen she wishes she was sober. She doesn't know why Katya's words sting so much - she doesn't care, she _shouldn't_ care, it has nothing to do with her whether or not Katya believes in marriage or forever or whatever it is. Because she doesn't like Katya.

Right?

"I wanna get married someday," she whispers at some point, probably by the time they should already be trying to talk about something else.

Katya gives her the most intense look ever, her deep green eyes clouded by so much that Trixie couldn't possibly try to understand, much less in her state.

Katya just raises her glass then, doesn't break eye contact or change her expression. "Cheers to that."

Trixie isn't sure what any of this means, what their talk even _was_. She just clinks her glass against Katya’s.

"Cheers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you liked this pls leave me your thoughts below or you can always find me on tumblr as @[pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/)


	6. We'll miss a dime to grab a nickel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Katya hugs her as if they hadn't seen each other in months. It's tight and it lasts and her hands squeeze at Trixie's sides before she breaks apart. She smiles at her brightly and Trixie can't look away from her face._
> 
> _They didn't see each other for less than two weeks, it's nothing, but somehow Trixie feels so relieved to finally be with Katya in person again, especially now that they've resumed their regular texting and are good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi folks! am i finally doing regular updates? who knows, keep tuned and find out! ch7 is certainly on the making and going good so it's possible! you'll see i removed the number of chapter because we'll likely have eight or nine but i'm not sure so i'll just stop lying! hahaha. anyway as usual a huge thank you to the lovely [conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/) for being a wonderful friend and helping me get this chapter out in a good way! thank you also to all of you that support this fic in any way, especially the ones who comment, you give me the energy to keep doing this and i am very grateful! lastly, about the chapter: it's a very introspect chapter up until like a good half of it i'd say so be patient and also i sure hope you like the chapter as a whole and have faith in me and my plans ok!!! i promise everything is there for a reason. enjoy!

****Trixie doesn't think she and Katya ever had a more awkward encounter than the rest of the bottle of wine and the goodbyes after that lunch. The air feels heavy and they can't make any subject turn into a real conversation and Trixie leaves much sooner than she thinks she would have otherwise.

She doesn't talk about it with anyone - that's the last thing she needs, bringing drama into a situation that isn't even supposed to be a situation, but somehow is now, which only confuses Trixie further.

Katya is off to Boston the following morning and it's about lunch time when she posts a picture on instagram, hugging her siblings still at the airport. Her smile is as big as Trixie's ever seen, no makeup on her face, her eyes shining. She looks happy, genuinely content and completely unbothered by anything.

Maybe Trixie's overreacting. It's not like they had sort of fight or disagreement. They were a little drunk and had a weird conversation and that's it. But Katya is clearly fine, Katya is clearly not overthinking anything that happened. So why would Trixie?

She urges herself not to think about it, but for the first few days of Katya's absence it's hard. They haven't texted since and that's a weird situation for them - but Katya is home happily surrounded by family members and Trixie doesn't want to bother her, doesn't want to take away from this time she was so looking forward to.

And maybe Trixie should take this chance, this one opportunity, to actually stare this - whatever it is that this _is_ \- in the face and acknowledge that maybe there's something going on. She doesn't know what and she already doesn’t like it, but she knows that it's there.

There are two clear issues at hand. One is how she's been on edge, although very much pretending not to be, about Shea's wedding. The other is how all of that suddenly shifted to being on edge about Katya.

She doesn't know how either of them happened and she doesn't know what to do with herself now. Or maybe she does, deep down, maybe she's just used to living in denial all of this time. She doesn't quite feel like changing that, though.

Katya travelling right after they had their first weird conversation and not keeping in touch has definitely been a shifting point in Trixie's internal turmoil. For the first time in god knows how long her focus is completely on the _Katya situation_ \- because there _is_ a situation, she can't deny it further - rather than Shea and the wedding and everything surrounding that. For as long as Katya's away Trixie's head gets stuck in a loop.

_I don't believe in marriage_ , she can hear it clearly in Katya's voice even if those were not the words she used. Her gut twists at it and much like that day she doesn't understand why. She should have figured out by now, probably, with how much and how intensely she thinks of it, but the thoughts always come with an extreme force inside her willing it to go away. She's always thinking about it but always very much trying not to be. All she knows is that her stomach twists in knots whenever she revisits that conversation.

_Why does it bother you if you don't like her?_ , Willam's voice follows suit, usually, at the most inconvenient times. That wasn't about what Katya said but it fits so well and she hates Willam for planting that sentence that fits so well into _everything_. And the worst part is that she also doesn't have the answer to any of them either.

_I'll stop teasing if you do something_ , Shea's voice finishes it off with a bow, completely fabricated, because said words had been sent via text. But they are still real, heavy in Shea's voice inside Trixie's mind, reminding that tiny little spot that she has to deal with more than the _Katya_ situation. That perhaps, against all that she wants, there could be a _Shea_ situation, too. And that these two now interfere with one another.

It’s a quiet day at home and the silence is giving her way too much space for _thoughts_. She tries to keep busy but with her promise to not do anything for the wedding while Katya is away - although Katya had previously said that was nonsense, Trixie can't bear to do it - she doesn't have much to focus on. She tried offering to do a bachelorette party for them, which granted is stupid because she certainly doesn't need more wedding related responsibilities, but they said that the plan was just to go to a club in a couple of weeks and get shitfaced and dance until their knees give out and Trixie can't argue with that plan, really.

She’s already grabbed her phone and opened her text chain with Katya at least five times, started typing once but deleted it, ends up locking it and leaving it aside every time, a heavy sigh escaping her lips.

For the first time in _months_ she turns on her PlayStation. It's coated in dust and Trixie's heart twinges at the sight, when did she stop doing something she's always loved so much? Everyone is right, she _is_ a workaholic - and she knows that she does it because it's easier to be working than to be _thinking_.

But gaming is usually a good distraction too, she rarely ever doesn't lose herself in the fictional world of choice for a few hours, caring much more about her character than she does about herself, and that sounds like the safest solution to just get a break.

When she opens the last game she's saved, she regrets it. She now remembers vividly the last time she played, trying to teach Shea, who had somehow never played video games, how to use the controller. She laughs a little at that, hits play anyway and lets her fingers move on their own accord, still very much used to all of it even after months of no practice at all, just like riding a bike.

The issue with that, though, is that she needs to focus less than she thought she would have. She sees her character doing what her fingers make her do but her brain has run off already, much too alert to allow itself to be distracted that easily. She can almost imagine her own subconscious mocking her for thinking that turning on an electronic device would be the answer to her problems.

_Shea_. The word rings in her head as the character that Shea played with last time follows hers on the screen. That's probably the oldest thing Trixie has on her _do not open_ chest hidden somewhere deep inside her.

Her wedding is coming up in less than three months. Trixie never had any doubt that it was happening, she's actually known she and Sasha were gonna be a forever kind of thing when she first saw them together, but now it feels like it’s _real_. In a little over two months Shea will be married. That’s gonna happen.

That sits… _weirdly_ with her. She buckles up, readies herself for the dull feeling she'd been so used to once upon a time that she’d blocked it a long time ago. Except - it doesn’t come. She waits and thinks about all the times before and all the almost-conversations she’s had in the past about this and she doesn’t… _feel_ it. That feeling just isn’t there.

She doesn’t know what to do with herself, with that information. She’s been actively blocking anything regarding _that_ from her brain for so long, has done so many things without thinking about it except for being helplessly certain that it was _there_ \- convinced that it would always be, and now- now it isn’t.

She’s pretty sure wishing feelings away shouldn’t be a thing, burying them deep enough that they disappear, but somehow that’s where she seems to be. It’s like she swept it under the carpet and without her knowledge someone went in there and vacuumed.

She is shocked out of her feelings when her character abruptly jumps off a cliff, her brain too distracted to hit the correct buttons. She stares at the screen with wide eyes, it's flashing with a death screen and her fingers are stilled on the controller, her brain still processing the lack of feelings that she's come to find.

Her shoulders feel light enough for her to recline back and close her eyes for a second.

Still nothing.

*

Trixie feels like she's made one too many discoveries and takes in the lightness on her shoulder as a sign that maybe this is all she needs, so she doesn't focus on the _other_ matter at hand which she doesn't want to name even in her head but that is still not back from Boston.

Katya is supposed to be back today and they still haven’t texted once since that lunch. Trixie's uneasy and on edge and she wishes _so much_ that they were speaking. She stares at her phone from time to time, wills it to ping with a notification from Katya but it doesn’t.

Logically Katya isn’t mad at her - there’s nothing to be mad about. Katya is just busy with her family, she hasn’t seen them in ages and there’s a lot to catch up on, probably. This isn’t about Trixie and she knows this. But she still hates it. She hates that the last time they spoke was objectively the worst, even if it was just _awkward_. Spending time with Katya is usually a highlight of Trixie’s day and she’s ridiculously bothered that they would get weird right before she was set to travel.

She’s on the phone with Sasha as she walks home from the store, she had some questions about colors and paintings for the wedding, and when she's unable to hold it in any longer she blurts out.

“Hey, do you know at what time Katya lands?”

_“What do you mean? She extended her trip for three days.”_ Given Sasha’s tone she seems certain that Trixie knows this already.

“Oh. I didn’t know.” She tries not to sound deflated and upset but she _is_ deflated and upset.

_“She didn’t tell you?”_ Sasha sounds shocked and Trixie is embarrassed to admit they haven’t talked at all.

“Hm. We haven’t talked much since she went.” She bites her lips as she tries to find an excuse to end the call.

She is silent for a little longer than normal. _“Oh.”_

“Anyway, it’s-”

_“Trixie,”_ Sasha interrupts her but then stops talking. _“You know-”_ she stops again and that’s unusual for Sasha, usually very eloquent and certain of what she has to say.

“What?”

Sasha is quiet again and Trixie can hear her sighing. _“Nothing, forget it. It’s none of my business.”_

“What is?” Sasha can’t do that and just leave her hanging.

_“Nothing. It’s nothing. You should talk to Katya.”_

Trixie’s heart pounds in her chest. Maybe she _did_ do something, maybe Katya _is_ upset. She’s clearly been texting Sasha, she’s not as busy as Trixie had painted her to be.

“Why?”

_“Just because."_ It almost _sounds_ like she's shrugging. _"You guys are friends, talking is good.”_

Sasha is terrible at deflecting but Trixie won’t pressure her because she’s already home and this conversation is becoming an obstacle for her _don’t think about the Katya situation_ decision.

“Yeah, will do. Thanks, Sasha. I gotta go, but we’ll talk later?”

She bids her goodbye too, they hang up and Trixie drops her bag on the floor as soon as she opens her door. She looks at the phone in her hand and searches for Katya.

_Trixie: hey_

The response is almost immediate.

_Katya: trix, hey! how are things?_

It's casual. They never really go for the _how are you_ thing, but Katya did reply super fast and nicely and called her _Trix_ so Trixie might as well just keep pushing.

_Trixie: good, quiet. how's boston? given your ig you seem to be enjoying it_

_Katya: it's so great! i like living in la but i love visiting home. I'm staying for a few more days, not sure i told you?_

Katya talks - or rather, texts - as if they've been communicating normally and nothing's happened. And nothing _has_ happened, actually. Maybe the time without speaking really was just circumstances. Maybe Trixie needs to stop thinking about it and simply continue to text her - she should have done it days ago.

_Trixie: sasha did, i'm glad you're having fun. let me know when you get back!_

_Katya: ofc, we can go out for lunch?_

And just like that they're texting again and things are objectively fine and Trixie only realizes that maybe _now_ she'll have to truly think about it when she realizes she and Katya have texted for a couple of hours and that she's done nothing but sit down and type this entire time, her plans for the afternoon totally forgotten.

*

Katya hugs her as if they hadn't seen each other in months. It's tight and it lasts and her hands squeeze at Trixie's sides before she breaks apart. She smiles at her brightly and Trixie can't look away from her face.

They didn't see each other for less than two weeks, it's _nothing,_  but somehow Trixie feels so relieved to finally be with Katya _in person_ again, especially now that they've resumed their regular texting and are _good._

There's a glint in Katya's eyes, something that may or may not always have been there, and Trixie's heart skips a beat when she notices it.

Just like they agreed they're having lunch but they aren’t alone, Katya had also suggested lunch to Pearl and Violet upon her return and when she asked Trixie if she minded she obviously had to say she didn’t even if she was a little disappointed. She hugs the other two as they all move inside the restaurant and she and Katya sit on one side of the table while Violet and Pearl sit on the other and Trixie suddenly gets a glimpse of the first day she met Katya with Shea and Sasha and they’d gone to a bistro and sat just like this, her and Katya opposite a couple.

“So, I gather Boston was good if you decided to stay a few days more?” Pearl asks as they look at the menus trying to decide what to order.

Katya smiles and shrugs but something in her expression seems to say that there’s more to it. “Definitely, it’s always great to visit my family. They also _love_ to pester so I always take the chance to ask advice on everything.” She glances quickly at Trixie, just one second before she’s looking down at the menu again. Trixie doesn't say anything but Pearl and Violet exchange a look.

"You take advice from your _family_?" Violet asks in mock shock and they all laugh and settle into a comfortable conversation. Or somewhat comfortable, in Trixie's case. She barely says anything at all, laughs and smiles along but doesn't find much to contribute with as the other three talk about their lives.

She feels like she wants to talk to _Katya_ , like they need to have a _conversation_ , but the thing is she doesn't know about what, she just knows that is should be just _them_. She keeps looking at her, can't help but smile as she gesticulates wildly with her hands as she speaks and laughs at something dumb that Pearl says.

At some point Katya excuses herself to go to the bathroom and Violet goes with her. Pearl doesn't waste any time.

"So have you finally admitted it to yourself?"

Trixie sits up straighter, defensive. "What?"

"You're eating her up with your eyes." Pearl has that stupid lazy smirk on her lips and Trixie hates it.

"I'm- shut up, I'm not!"

"Seriously though, something happened. What is it?"

"Nothing," she denies quickly because nothing _has_ happened even though it feels like it did.

Pearl considers her for a while and then looks in the direction of the bathroom to make sure they aren't coming back yet.

"I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life, but if you'd like to try something with Katya, she'd go for it."

Trixie shouldn't by any means be taken aback by Pearl's bluntness because that's her trademark, but it gets her by surprise anyway.

"How do you know? Actually, no, doesn't matter, I don't want to try anything."

Pearl shrugs but rolls her eyes. "Whatever you say. But I know because she's told me."

Trixie's jaw drops open and when she's about to inquire further, Katya and Violet are back.

"You okay?" Katya asks with furrowed eyebrows when she sits back down.

She just nods and sips at her water and the conversation starts again.

There's no _no thinking about this_ anymore.

*

Shea and Sasha keep up their plan to just head to a club and go nuts for one night as their bachelorette party. Ginger points out that some of them are maybe too old for that, but agrees to going anyway.

This is the best plan Trixie's heard in a while and she's ecstatic at the chance to do something wedding related when she's feeling so positive about it and when this something just means a night out with her friends with alcohol and loud music. Fuck yes.

She does as she was told the plan is: dances until her feet hurt and she loses herself in the music and her own head until she's sort of lost everyone else but even then she doesn't stop dancing, feels like she hasn't let go like this in a long time and is so thankful for the chance. She visits the bar without ever stop dancing a few times and with each visit she becomes more and more tipsy until maybe _tipsy_ doesn't apply anymore. She's maybe danced too much.

The night goes by in a haze of lights and booze and loud music and dancing and Trixie's not sure how she ends up on a far away couch - or even what the fuck a couch is doing in the middle of the dim club - but she's had one too many to drink and her head is definitely heavy and she's definitely sleepy. She's a good drinker, always has been, and precisely due to the fact that she knows when to stop so she won't do certain things she knows she doesn't want to do, like how many vodkas she can take until she reaches her absolute limit to not puke, or how many bourbons won't give her a headache, or how many tequila shots won't get rid of every single filter she has between her brain and her mouth, letting her say more than she could, should or would want to.

And because of all that she knows she's fucked up. She can feel words building up on her tongue, ready to be spilled to anyone that would hear, about things that she keeps on pushing further and further down inside herself. She's held onto some of them for so long and to some for not long at all but it still feels like a steady cup full of water, just one droplet or one wobble away from spilling something, from letting _something_ slip.

Maybe that's why her body moved so far from everyone. She's been finding and then losing everyone else all night, all of them much too drunk to actually make an effort in being together all the time on the tiny space. She's partially aware of what she's doing and she thinks that getting away is her subconscious way of helping her hazy brain. So far, it's working.

Until she feels a very cold, very bony - and very familiar - hand on her shoulder. She jumps from the scare a few seconds too late, it's bizarre but Katya doesn't comment on it.

"You okay?" The music is loud and Trixie can feel every single vibration in her core as it pulses through the place and because of it Katya has to practically glue her lips to her ear to ask her. Trixie feels her breath all down her neck, can feel her heart thundering as Katya's voice tickles her ears. She gulps, unable to speak for a second.

Katya sits down right by her side on the narrow couch and looks at her with worried eyes. Trixie finally nods and mouths _yes_ , knows Katya wouldn't be able to hear her if she spoke it anyway.

Katya moves closer, places her hand on Trixie's thigh as she leans in on her ear again. Trixie can feel goosebumps on every patch skin she has showing even if it's hot as hell in there.

"You look like you need some fresh air, too much booze?"

Trixie _does_ need some fresh air. She's burning up, her skin is on fire, especially where she's hyper aware of Katya's hand touching her, even if it's the lightest touch ever with no intentions other than steading herself close enough to be heard. And she did have a lot of booze, her brain is still hazy, she's still not capturing everything that is going on around her, especially now that Katya is right _there_ , close, and all that she can focus on.

She isn't sure getting fresh air with Katya would be the best idea though. So she gets up by herself.

She trips over immediately and the only reason she doesn't fall down is Katya's fast instincts and strong arms, already on her feet and holding her.

"Okay, let's get you outside for a few minutes".

Trixie just nods, then, too dizzy and tired to fight - and also too _comfortable_. She can hear Shea's words echoing in her mind, something she'd said out of the blue earlier that night after Trixie bumped into her while looking at Katya, all of them already drunk - _It's okay if you like Katya, you're allowed to like her_.

Trixie can't believe herself, but steading herself on Katya as they make their way through the midst of all of these people she thinks that maybe she does.

Katya's hand presses onto her waist as she guides Trixie's drunk feet outside, her breath close enough that Trixie can feel it tickling her hair even through all of the crowd. She looks back at her when they reach the door and Katya moves a little to push it open. She looks determined to help Trixie, to get her to feel better. She also looks tired, sweat on her forehead and in the roots of her hair, her makeup still holding up but much less prominent than it had been at the beginning of the night.

"You look beautiful," Trixie murmurs before she can even comprehend the words. Katya doesn't acknowledge it and the music is still loud so she probably didn't hear it. Trixie doesn't know if she's glad or not.

What she does know is that maybe she more than _maybe_ likes Katya.

God, how drunk is she?

The night air is chilly on Trixie's warm skin compared to the hot atmosphere inside the club but it's still warm in itself and Trixie's glad she's decided on the dress she's wearing. Katya walks her to the nearest wall and leans against it, pushes Trixie a little so she'll do the same, careful not to trip her.

They can still hear the music from inside and the wall vibrates with the force of it, but it's much quieter here even with the other people around them either getting some air as well or smoking.

"I was told you could handle your alcohol," Katya teases, eyes sparkling with the reflection of the moon right above their heads. Trixie can't blink or look away.

"I may have had one or five shots too many," she replies and it sounds blurry even to her own ears.

"Yeah, you went really hard at the bar. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I drank a bit too much but I didn’t drink myself into a coma, Katya."

Katya laughs lightly through her nose. "That's good to know, but I meant if something happened for you to drink like this?"

Trixie thinks back to the events leading to the moment she perched herself on the bar and asked for glass after glass. She thinks about Katya dancing tonight with her eyes closed in bliss and her skin glistening with sweat, thinks about what Shea had said that night and Pearl had said all those days ago, thinks about all of the times she saw Katya these past few days to take care of wedding stuff and how she could feel _something_ inside her, in her chest, her stomach, everywhere. She thinks about how Katya had said she doesn't believe in marriage or forever. She thinks about the night she thought about Shea.

"No. Just felt like feeling free for a while."

Katya nods and looks up to the night sky and they stay silent for a while. Trixie can hear her own breathing and Katya's breathing right next to her as well. Her hand is still on her waist, warm and a little sweaty on the thin fabric of her dress. Katya is distracted by the stars and Trixie gets a few minutes to herself, to look at Katya's face and examine where her foundation has rubbed off and where her eyes crinkle and how her nostrils expand and collapse lightly as she breathes.

She only realizes she's raised her hand to touch Katya's face when she sees her fingers on her cheeks.

Katya looks back at her. The way she's leaning on the wall makes her taller than Trixie which is a rare occurrence and her eyes are questioning as Trixie doesn't remove her hand.

Trixie can barely breathe. She's drunk and hazy but she's fully aware of what's happening, of what she's doing, of what she _wants_ to do.

"Trix?" Katya asks uncertainty, doesn't move an inch, and somehow that's all Trixie needs.

Katya's back hits the wall with a thud but Trixie's sure that the _oh_ that escapes her is not related to that, but rather the fact that Trixie's lips are touching hers.

Trixie doesn't break away once her brain catches up with her actions, instead she forces her lips open and kisses Katya more passionately, hoping she won't push her away either.

Katya doesn't. Her hands move to the back of Trixie's neck where she interlocks her fingers together with Trixie's hair in the middle as well and she pulls Trixie closer, kisses her back with soft sighs on her lips as if she can't help herself.

They kiss for longer than Trixie thinks they should in the back alley of a club and for less than she wants to before they're breaking apart with heavy breaths.

They stare at each other, their breathing still harsh and faces just as close as they can be without touching, Katya's hands still on the same place keeping Trixie close.

"Trix..."

"Take me home," her voice is rough and it barely sounds like her own but this is the first coherent thing she's said since she got herself smashed.

"You're really drunk." It looks like it pains Katya to say that, but she does it anyway and Trixie can feel her heart even harder than she felt the pounding of the music when they were inside.

"Then I'll drink five bottles of water and a full coffee pot with no sugar to sober up. Take me home."

Katya gulps at the certainty on Trixie's voice but her eyes widen considerably as she notices Trixie's serious. Trixie can practically read _this is happening_ in them.

"Okay, yeah, god. Just let me- I'll call an uber."

They stand outside as Katya opens the app and taps impatiently at it mumbling under her breath as if she's worried that Trixie will change her mind if it takes too long.

Trixie won't, she can still feel the ghost of Katya's lips on hers and she can easily picture the color that they must be right now with both their lipsticks mashed together. She wants her lipstick to be in more places than just Katya's lips, she wants to press Katya to more than just a grimy club wall. She's probably wanted to for a while, she thinks she did, at least, but now that she's _feeling_ it she can't go back to denying it.

Once an uber confirms to be on the way - eight fucking minutes away, Trixie's legs tremble a bit - Katya hurries inside to tell any of their friends that they're leaving. Trixie has half a mind to fix her lipstick before so they won't know but she doesn't care as much as she should, just lets Katya go.

She comes back when the uber is almost there and she has two bottles of water in hand. Trixie finishes the first one before the car's even arrived and plans on finishing the second before they're at her place.

Katya's mind was at a noble place when she wanted Trixie to be sober, but Trixie's also doing this for her. She'd forever hate herself if she was too drunk to remember tonight.

*

Trixie has never been through a situation like this one. She's used to drinking and she's definitely been more drunk than she's gotten tonight before, but it's like Katya's skin or general presence gets her drunk too. Everything is happening too fast and too slowly at the same time.

They're in the uber and Katya's fingers are on her thigh, never too high to push her skirt up or gather the driver's attention, never too strong to sting or bruise, just light soft brushes of her fingertips that leave Trixie hyper aware, that have her breathing heavy and unevenly, that make her bury her face in Katya's neck and kiss it and nibble on it in the dark shadows of the back seat. It's a fifteen minute drive, tops, but Trixie feels as if it lasts one and a hundred minutes all at once.

The walk to the elevator and the ride to her floor are completely erased from Trixie's mind, one minute they're scrambling out of the car with a rushed _thank you_ to the driver and the next Trixie's brain is trying to focus all of its forces into fitting the key into the lock. Katya's lean fingers close over her hand, steady it and help her out.

She remembers kissing Katya before the door is closed, she remembers how soft it is under the dim light coming from the bathroom that she's forgotten to turn off, not rushed like it felt it should be after the build up in the car.

Katya kisses her as if she's wanted to for a long time. Trixie's whole body shivers at the possibility that maybe she has.

Trixie remembers a lot but also not enough of it. She remembers moving to her room, slowly and then quickly and then slowly again, both of their shoes and Katya's skirt being disregarded along the way.

She remembers Katya's sighs as she moves her lips to her neck, first slowly and then hungrily, both of them apparently incapable of deciding the rhythm that's gonna take place, both desperate for this but also way too invested to rush anything.

Trixie remembers Katya's fingers everywhere, on the small of her back, on the curve of her ass, the inside of her thighs and leading up before she's even fully undressed.

Trixie remembers that a lot of words are said but she doesn't remember which ones specifically, remembers virtually none of them other than the awed murmur of _god you're perfect_ that Katya whispers against her clavicle.

She thinks she remembers Katya asking if she is sure or if she isn't too drunk or if she truly wants this. She is, she isn't, she _does_. The realisation that she truly unequivocally likes Katya hits her at some point between leaning against the wall of the club and leaning on the wall of her apartment, she's not sure where, but it happens, clear as day.

She remembers how Katya's eyes finally accept that Trixie _wants_ this, how she loses any doubt and replaces it all with _want_ and how Trixie is sure her eyes mirror Katya's because she _wants it wants it wants it_ too.

Trixie remembers being louder than it's socially acceptable in an apartment building in the middle of the night and she remembers, clear as day, all of the sounds that leave Katya's lips as well.

And she remembers being sleepy, terribly so, once they fall back onto her sheets, tangled together and with heavy breaths and content smiles. She remembers tucking her head below Katya’s chin and then talking and talking about things that she can’t remember at all, she only remembers that she talks until she falls asleep and Katya’s silent above her all through it.

And Trixie wakes up the following morning, remembering all of it, her heart light in her chest as she searches for the other body on the bed but she can't find it.

Katya's clothes are gone when she pads through the apartment and so is _she_ , not a hint of her presence, not a single note anywhere and, when Trixie checks, no messages on her phone.

She bites down the bile that threatens to rise, her stomach twisting uncomfortably at the perception that Katya had fled. She urges herself not to cry. Something must have happened.

_Trixie: hey, everything ok?_

It takes minutes and minutes in which Trixie can't look away from the screen, but finally an answer comes.

_Katya: yeah. why?_

Trixie doesn't understand what's happening, can't make sense on her brain of the situation she's in now - not with _Katya_ of all people, probably the nicest and most selfless and caring person she's ever met, not with the way she had looked at Trixie the night before.

_Trixie: you just left? maybe we should talk about it?_

This time the answer is fast but Trixie wishes it hadn't been.

_Katya: it's not a big deal trixie, you know i'm not a fan of relationships anyway_

She throws her phone out of her hand before she can comprehend what she's doing.

She feels the bile rising again. She doesn't bite it down this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello please don't hate me! if you'd like to chat or yell at me, feel free to drop me a comment below or to drop by my tumblr @[pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/t). chapter seven is on the making, i've got about a third of it already, so hopefully it'll be out soon!


	7. We all sin, but we ain't devils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I like Katya," she admits rather rapidly and quietly, like she's embarrassed of saying that out loud._
> 
> _Shea says nothing and when Trixie glances at her her eyebrows are raised as if she's saying girl, please._
> 
> _"I hope there's more to it because that's hardly news to anybody, Trixie."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> people!!! the chapter is here and perhaps not yet what you want but it is an important chapter, so bear with me on this! thank you all so so so much for the lovely comments last chapter, it was a lot more than usual and i got so happy! i hope you'll like what i have here for you guys today and i promise i'm already working on chapter eight. as usual a huge thank to [conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com/) for making sure this is readable.

Trixie doesn't talk to anyone within their group of friends for a week. She turns off all of her notifications and keeps her phone on ‘do not disturb’ and does all of her work from home.

Four days into her isolation week Willam calls her on her work phone and after Trixie ignores it she calls thirteen more consecutive times until Trixie just answers it in fear that her store might be on fire.

"What?" she answers aggressively and it stuns Willam into silence. "Willam, I don't have all day."

"Uh, are you okay? Shea came by the store today looking for you, said you haven't been answering calls or texts." She actually sounds worried and Trixie is somewhat moved by that.

"So you decided to call?" she mocks. She tries not to act like a bitch, Willam has virtually done nothing - other than convince Trixie she liked Katya which then led to the whole situation and, actually, Willam is partially to blame, yes.

"You answered, didn't you?"

"And I'm about to hang up, so bye-"

"No, no, wait!" She sounds frantic which is unusual, so Trixie listens. "I'm worried now, apparently you've been ignoring everyone? What's wrong?"

Trixie sighs and drops her head on her hands which rest on top of her little office desk. She doesn't feel like talking with anyone right now, particularly Willam over her work phone.

"I'm fine, Willam. Just need some time to myself."

"Shea is really worried." Willam says it like she's trying to guilt-trip Trixie but that won't do anything now.

"Then tell her I'm fine."

"Why can't you tell her?"

"Because I'm taking some time to myself, are you not listening?" This is truly the last thing Trixie wants to deal with right now.

"She says Katya is worried, too." Willam adds as a second try on the guilt thing. It works in getting Trixie to be more assertive, but not for the reasons, or in the way, she's sure Willam expects.

"Then you tell Shea to tell Katya that I'm none of her fucking business." Trixie is beyond caring about what people guess or gossip or figure out. She just wants to be alone. She just wants to not talk or worry or think about Katya.

If Katya didn't care before then she shouldn't care now.

"Oh," Getting Willam to not know what to say is not an easy feat so it tells loads about how Trixie's acting. "Uh… apparently she said there are wedding things to finish?"

"Well, let her know Katya is free from duty, I've got it from here."

"Trixie-"

"No offense, Willam, but I'm done talking. I'm alive and fine and everyone can stop worrying. Shea's wedding will happen as promised and I don't need anymore help. Bye." And with that she hangs up, blocks WIllam's contact because she can't turn off her work phone but refuses to deal with this again.

She knows she should be more mature about this, knows that she should probably talk to someone about it, anyone, should definitely talk to Shea regardless - her wedding is fast approaching and suddenly her planners aren't speaking to each other _or_ to her. And maybe she should also talk to Katya, except she tried it, that day, gave Katya the opportunity to explain _what the fuck_ and she didn't, she just brushed Trixie off as if she'd been a nameless conquest in a random bar, unimportant, not good enough for a fucking _goodbye_.

So she takes a time off, because she deserves it, because she opened her heart for the first in a long while and it lead exactly where she thought it would: heartbreak.

Still, Trixie refuses resolutely to cry about Katya. She hasn't cried about a girl in a long time and she simply won't let Katya of all people break that streak, someone she realized she had feelings for a mere hours before being rejected. And Trixie knows that if she tries to tell this to any friend she'll cry, because she can feel the tears coming up in her throat whenever she thinks about it, but she won't do it. She won't.

Once it's been exactly eight days in complete isolation after that night she goes to her store. She's been working like crazy, finding things to do that shouldn't even be her responsibility, just to keep herself busy, but all she could do from home is done and now she needs to be out and to visit some places in person and she really needs to go to her store because she can't trust Willam to handle it for her, even if she's currently working everyday out of pity or whatever for Trixie, she doesn't know everything there is to know about the place and she can't make business decisions.

Willam is there when she arrives and she smiles worriedly at Trixie as soon as she opens the door.

"Trixie!"

"Hi," she replies humorlessly as she walks to the back.

"I've got a note for you?" Willam inquires rather than informs as she follows her and Trixie rolls her eyes.

"I'm not gonna bite you, Willam, I'm just in a bad mood."

"For a week straight?" Her eyebrows are raised impossibly high and she's grasping a piece of paper in her hand.

"Just give me the note, I have to leave in a few to go to the caterer."

Willam opens her mouth like she had more to say, but she just closes it and nods as she hands her the paper and exits to the front again in hurried steps.

Trixie unfolds the little square and she immediately recognizes Katya's handwriting on it.

_I need to discuss a few things about the wedding, can you please call me?_

She crumples the paper and tries to throw it in the trash - she misses spectacularly, has never had good aim, but ignores the paper on the floor to pick up her phone instead.

She searches for Katya's number, types it into a new contact on her work phone, and deletes it from her personal one.

_Trixie: Hi, it's Trixie. This is my work phone. Don't worry about the wedding, I've got it all covered._

It doesn't take long for a reply to come.

_Katya: trixie, hi. we said we'd do this together, i don't think it's fair to dump it on you_

Trixie tries not to notice how she's still using _Trixie_ which she never did in texts. It doesn't matter if she does, it _shouldn't_ matter, not now.

_Katya: also are you okay? you've been on radio silence_

Trixie laughs bitterly at the second message. Is she okay? What kind of bullshit?

_Trixie: I would prefer to do it by myself anyway. Thanks._

She doesn't answer her question, there's no point to it. What would she say anyway? _Everything is fine except for the fact that I'm pathetic and always fall for the wrong people, you included_?

_Katya. oh. ok. uhm… i have a few ideas i didn't have time to share_

_Katya: and seriously how are you?_

She really doesn't have the energy for this.

_Trixie: Share them with Shea, ask her to call my assistant if she likes it._

Katya starts typing several times before the actually sends something.

_Katya: right. I also have a few questions about the decoration for the day? as the photographer and all_

_Trixie: I'll send you the detailed decoration plan._

There are no new messages for a few minutes and Trixie thinks she's given up but then she sends another one.

_Katya: trixie, pls, can we just talk?_

Funny. Now she wants to talk.

_Trixie: We've cleared up everything about the wedding, I don't know what more there could be for us to talk about_.

_Katya: can we please be adults about it? you’re blowing this out of proportion_

Right. It’s Trixie’s fault, now. She can’t even find a proper answer for that.

_Trixie: I’ll send you the plan via email. You can reply there if you have any questions._

Katya doesn’t reply anymore. Hopefully she’s taken the hint.

*

A couple of days later Shea knocks on her door with such force that Trixie truly believes it’ll break off the hinges if it keeps going, and by Shea’s stern voice as she says _open this door right now, Trixie, I know you're in there_ , it doesn’t look like she’ll stop any time soon.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming, stop assaulting my door, _geez_.” She opens it forcefully, refuses to be intimidated in her own home, but Shea looks like she means business, her face weirdly serious.

“I wouldn't need to harrass you here if you answered your damn phone.”

She walks past her without being properly invited in - to be fair they are way past that - and she actually looks _mad_. She reaches the end of the couch and turns around, stares down at Trixie and she actually cowers a little under it.

“I’ve been busy,” she replies with a dismissive shrug, averts her gaze from Shea’s.

“Too busy to answer texts of _are you alive_ from your best friends? For over a week? Kim called me thinking you had drowned yourself in your own bathtub or slipped in the kitchen and hit your head.”

Trixie crosses her arms then, would feel guiltier if it wasn't for the ridiculousness of Kim's _concerns_ but still feels a little bit of guilt anyway and she refuses to be the one to blame for this. She’s allowed time out when she’s hurt, she's allowed time to make sense of herself and the mess that her life is right now.

“I told Willam I was fine and asked her to pass the message.”

Shea doesn’t change her posture, maintains her ground and her height over Trixie. “Right, because hearing from _Willam_ that _she says she’s fine but she sure ain’t_ really reassured me.”

Trixie huffs with an eye roll. _Damn Willam_.

“I _am_ fine.”

“Don't play with me, I’ve known you for like seven years.”

They stay silent then, both standing up and staring at each other, daring. But Trixie is tired and Shea is one of the few people she feels safe to open up to, especially now after all of her discoveries about herself. Her shoulders sag.

Shea sighs and rolls her eyes affectionately. “Come here,” she offers opening her arms and Trixie marches into the hug.

She doesn’t cry but she holds on for dear life, feels her breathing getting heavier. It's almost funny that unlike any of her expectations for the past couple of years she's practically crying on _Shea's_ shoulders about _someone else_. She doesn’t let go until Shea is pulling away and dragging her to the couch.

“Wanna tell me?”

Trixie actually shakes her head. “Not really.”

Shea squints her eyes in warning, " _Trixie._ "

Trixie looks away at her tone of voice. Honestly at this point she wouldn't mind talking about it, but she doesn't know what to say, where to start. How does she explain the whole situation to _Shea_?

How does she explain how much Katya means after so little time, after _knowing_ it for so little? How does she explain to Shea the importance of Katya without talking about her previous feelings? She can't. And she doesn't know if she wants to go there, not less than two months away from Shea's wedding.

"Trixie," Shea insists again, more concerned than anything else.

"I'm thinking about where to start, just give me a damn second."

Shea does, then, doesn't move an inch for as long as Trixie's thinking which in her head feels like it's a really long time. She knows Shea is growing more and more curious, probably concerned too, and she can't really look at her as the words start happening.

"I like Katya," she admits rather rapidly and quietly, like she's embarrassed of saying that out loud.

Shea says nothing and when Trixie glances at her her eyebrows are raised as if she's saying _girl, please_.

"I hope there's more to it because that's hardly news to anybody, Trixie."

Trixie nods slightly, looks away again and bites very lightly into her bottom lip in a futile attempt to hide the nervous act from Shea. She tries not to be offended by her completely lack of shock, there are more important matters at hand.

"We… we slept together. We left after your bachelorette party and came back here."

That jerks a real reaction out Shea, who moves in shock until she's kneeling on the couch, eyes fixated on Trixie's face which is still not facing her, but rather the turned off TV.

"You _what_?" Trixie's not sure if it's a shocked _what_ or a question _what_ but either way she says nothing. Shea keeps pushing. "Trixie, oh my god, that's incredible. God she must have been so happy! And you too, oh my god, I can't believe you _finally_ opened up again! Was it amazing? It was, right, she does yoga?"

Trixie laughs through her nose, humorlessly, and from the corner of her eye she can see Shea's figure diminishing. She's definitely confused and Trixie doesn't blame her - she is confused, too, still.

"It certainly was before she left and said it meant nothing."

Shea retreats as if she's punched. "Wait, what? She said what? _Katya_? _Our_ Katya?"

Trixie shrugs. "Certainly not _mine_ in any way."

"That… that makes no sense."

"Well, you tell her that, then, because it's what happened. She made that clear and went as far as saying I was overreacting." She stops to take a breath. "It looked like she wanted something but I clearly knew her less than I thought."

"Trixie, I've known her almost as long as I've known Sasha, this is..."

"What happened. You probably don't know her that well, either."

"No, you don't get it. Trixie, she won't shut up about you since we introduced you guys." Trixie snorts bitterly. "No, I'm serious. Remember when you guys went over Sasha to show us that other wedding? Katya had been there for like half an hour blabbering about you and asking if you were single and if you were for sure a lesbian and if we thought you would be interested and- She was _invested_."

It's lovely that Shea thinks that this is in any way helpful, that this is a good time to tell her that.

"Something clearly changed. And maybe I'm overreacting but I don't care, I don't want to talk to her again. She knew I'm not interested in one-night stands."

Shea is quiet, considering. She seems truly lost and it only hurts Trixie further - she doesn't need any reminders that things went wrong so fast.

"Tell me what happened."

"We slept together and she bailed. Not sure what part you're not grasping," Trixie snaps.

"Trixie, come on. There has to be more to the story."

"But there isn't. That's it. We're in the club, I realize I like her, we come back here, we have a great time, I wake up and she's gone. That's the whole gist."

"You realised you like her _in the club_?" Shea's looking at her like she's stupid - as if she needs that right now.

Trixie shifts a little on the couch, uncomfortable. That may not have been the best of scenarios but she knows what she feels. Not that it matters now, anyway.

"Yes, okay? Things were happening - actually, scratch that, things _have_ been happening and I finally got a moment to myself to _think_ and to _feel,_ and I like her. I-I like her," she admits it again, defeated, even though she's said so already and by the way it went Shea had not been surprised at all.

"Are you sure?"

"What kind of question is that?" It's like she's under investigation here even though she's the _victim_. "You said yourself everyone knows it already."

"I know but I want to know, now, if you are certain of it. I just want to hear you say it."

Trixie looks at Shea, meets her eyes to make her confession more meaningful and also so Shea will perhaps see how that's doing the very opposite of helping her.

She falters for a second before she opens her mouth. She's never thought she'd look into Shea's eyes to admit she likes someone else. But she _does_. She hates that she does so right now, but she does.

"Yes. I am sure. Which is not ideal given the circumstances so I don't know what you're trying to get at."

"I just want to see if this is how you feel _sober_."

Trixie squints. It takes her a moment.

"Are you saying any of this is my fault for being _drunk_? What bullshit is this?"

Shea shakes her head. "That's not what I'm saying at all, we went out to drink, we were all drunk, _she_ was drunk. What I'm saying is that perhaps confessing to Katya that you like her while drunk might not have been the best move."

Trixie is quiet for a second. "I didn't exactly _confess_."

"Trixie-"

"Listen, no offense but it's none of your business how it all went down, all it matters is that I was  serious and certain, she knows that. You said yourself, she was drunk too, why is this on me?"

"It's not on you, I'm just trying to _understand_. I know Katya, Trixie, I know that there is something here that I'm not seeing - that possibly _you_ are not seeing."

"How could there be anything between immediately going to sleep after fucking and waking up the next day? You think I sleepwalked and sleep-fucked things up?"

Shea considers. "Maybe. That's what I'm trying to figure out-"

Trixie just gets up, exasperated. "You know what, this was a bad idea. I don't know why you're trying to blame _me_ for Katya sleeping with me with no intentions of sticking around when she _knows_ that's not my thing and then fucking _leaving_ without an explanation. You keep insisting you know Katya, well, fuck off, you're supposed to know me better! And to fucking care about me, too!"

Trixie knows she's unleashing anger at Shea that's aimed at someone else, but she can't help it, because she's mad and _sad_ and Shea is supposed to be her _best friend_ , Shea is supposed to be a shoulder to cry on, not _this_. Her eyes are filled with tears already and she's trying really hard not to let them fall.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry," Shea is by her side and she doesn't even notice, only when she hugs her again and Trixie is too tired to fight it, so she hugs her back.

She cries, finally, even though she really doesn't want to. She's choking on these tears that she won't let out and also on the confusion because, yes, Shea is right, that truly doesn't sound like something Katya would do and she doesn't _get it_.

They break apart when Trixie practically runs out of tears, she's sure her eyes are red and puffy and she doesn't care, she just wants to go back to being able to bottle her emotions up because this is simply _too much_. But now that she's let herself feel again, apparently that's how it's gonna go, always _feeling_. She hates it.

"I didn't know you liked her so much, I'm sorry." Shea says as she tries to make Trixie sit down again, on the same part on the couch that she was before.

Trixie doesn't even know how much she likes Katya - is liking someone even quantifiable? - what she does know is that this is new to her, it's the first time it's happened in ages, and it's the first time she's let herself actually feel things in a long time.

And this is where it takes her.

Trixie looks at Shea, her expression compassionate and worried, maybe a bit confused, and she gulps and takes a deep breath.

"This is the first time I've really liked someone since..." she doesn't finish the sentence, regrets having started it. It seemed like a good idea but now that the words started leaving her mouth, she wants to take them back and lock them up again.

"Since what? Clara?"

Trixie only ever dated Clara because she was tired of being lonely, but by that point she'd already been more than aware of her feelings for Shea, she had already been in the _bury this deep and never look at it again_ stage. Complete denial and willing it to cease.

She shakes her head, closes her eyes and covers them with her hands in an attempt to protect herself.

"I never felt anything like this for Clara."

"What? Then who?"

She takes a deep breath, presses her eyes closed with more force and pushes her fingertips over her eyelids, making patterns that sting a little.

"You," she whispers.

It's quiet, then. So quiet that Trixie is convinced - or wants to convince herself - that Shea didn't hear and it'll be like she didn't potentially ruin their friendship.

But then, she hears shuffling. She opens her eyes in desperation and stands up, Shea is probably leaving too because she's an _idiot_ and somehow is ruining everything. Her eyes take a while to adjust again to the light and to stop with the colored patterns it had been making and she stumbles a bit. Shea holds her pulse, still on the couch.

"Woah, calm down."

"Sorry," she sits down again, blinks a few more times before she can open her eyes completely. "I thought you were leaving."

"I think we're past that. But I am a bit stunned, you'll have to give me a moment."

"No, of course, I didn't mean-" she stops talking, doesn't know where she is going. Why did she say anything in the first place? "My feelings for you started a long time ago. But I knew it wasn't gonna happen and it was just a silly crush and then you met Sasha and she's great… I thought I had gotten over it, but these things linger, I guess, so I just pretended it never happened and I guess I got used to pretending."

She's oversharing, probably, Shea must be so uncomfortable hearing her best friend saying she used to like her so close to her _wedding_. But she's can't stop because this is relevant to her and her situation, having liked Shea makes all of her current feelings more intense and confusing and in a way important. Like it or not, liking Shea had been a _part_ of her. She's not even sure for how long that lasted, but it did have a say in a lot of her decisions over the years. Particularly one.

"That's why I didn't want to be the maid of honor." She confesses, knows that Shea probably knows it now but would like to hear it anyway. "Don't get me wrong, I am _so_ happy for you, I really am, I've been from the moment you told me, I just- I thought it'd be easier to not be a part of the ceremony? Does that make sense?"

"Yes, of course it does-"

"And," Shea has more to say but Trixie's not finished so she just rambles on." And that's probably why it took me so long to realize I liked- liked Katya. Because I liked you and then I was very focused on not liking you or at least not thinking about it and somewhere along the way _you_ became _Katya_ and I _missed_ it and it doesn't matter anyway because she doesn't care and I'm _always_ falling for the wrong person, god-"

She lets her head fall to her hands again, sniffs twice trying not to cry.

Shea slides along the couch until she's by her side, places her hands on her shoulders in a comforting manner.

"Trixie, just breathe, okay. Look at me."

She tries taking deep breaths. It takes her a while, but she raises her head again and looks at Shea. There's nothing but understanding in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she feels she has to say it, even if she never decided to like Shea in the first place - would rather she _hadn't_ at all.

Shea just shakes her head. "For what? _I'm_ sorry I didn't notice it."

Trixie shakes her head. "It would only have made things worse."

"Maybe. But I thought I knew you enough to not let something so big fall to the sides."

Trixie shrugs. "Doesn't matter."

"And I'm sorry Katya did what she did."

Trixie nods, her heart stings. "Yeah, me too."

"Did you tell her?"

"What?"

"About me?"

"Oh. No." She shakes her vehemently. "No way."

"That's good, you usually get really honest and personal when you drink."

Trixie considers it because it's true, she does, that's why she always stops on her very well known limit. She shrugs sheepishly. "There wasn't a lot of talking."

Shea nods and wrinkles her nose, but then her expression quickly shits to something as close to uncertainty as it could get with Shea and her usual confidence levels. "I'm asking because- well, I'm not trying to make excuses for Katya, okay? But hear me out."

Trixie just lets her shoulders drop. She doesn't really want to hear it but might as well get it all out now. "Sure, go ahead."

"Katya dated her college girlfriend for like five years. From what Sasha told me she went out of her way to make this over the top proposal that she actually hated because the girl loved this kind of thing. They got a venue, a band, dresses. They had everything."

Trixie is not breathing in anticipation from what Shea is gonna say, from what she _said_ already. This doesn't match the Katya that doesn't believe in forever. Or maybe it does -   _things change_ , Katya had said.

"The girl left, like, three days before the ceremony. I don't know the details but apparently she let Katya know with a note on the fridge or something. And I think she left for an old girlfriend, which - they dated for five years so that's- you know."

Trixie can barely blink. "I-"

"I'm not defending her or pretending I know what happened. But Katya's been through some shit with relationships. And she _definitely_ knew she liked you a lot sooner than you did, because she would talk about you _all the time_ with Sasha and anyone willing to listen, really. So, I don't know, if anything in what you said or did indicated that you weren't truly invested or that you were hung-up on someone else - I guess I just see where she's coming from, if that's the case."

Trixie feels sick all over again, thinks about Katya planning to _marry_ someone and being practically left at the altar because three days is basically that. She thinks about how she said that she used to believe in forever but didn't anymore, thinks about how she'd once said that work hadn't always been her priority but it suddenly was.

_Things change_.

Her heart aches for Katya, she tries to imagine what she'd do in a situation like that and comes up empty. But her heart also aches for herself, still. She sympathizes with Katya but that's not an excuse - being hurt is not a good reason to hurt someone else.

"Maybe you should talk to her?" Shea looks hopeful and Trixie is touched by her hope even if possibly unfounded.

"I tried talking to her after she left, she didn't have anything to say. If I did anything she should have told me then."

"She should," Shea agrees with a nod of her head. "I'm not saying she's right. But maybe she's had time to think it over? Maybe she feels bad now."

"She texted me about work a few days ago. She doesn't."

" _Trixie_ ," Shea insists and Trixie looks at her. "Since when has being proud helped you in any way?"

It _hasn't_. She's too proud for her own good, it always gets in her way and she knows it.

"I shouldn't have to be the one to reach out."

"Didn't you say she texted you?"

"She did but it's _different_ -"

"Okay, doesn't matter. Just do it for _you_ , Trixie. Whatever happens isn't it best if you at least know what went down?"

Trixie hates when other people are right and she's wrong.

"Yeah. Maybe."

*

For the rest of the evening and pretty much all of the next day she tries not to think about Katya, but her mind can't get over what she heard from Shea.

She obviously knows now why Katya not liking marriage or forever bothers her - not that she thinks about marrying Katya, but she can't picture herself getting involved with someone that doesn't have an interest at least in the general idea of building a life together. And, sure, that doesn't matter _now_ , but it makes sense of her feelings.

But now it also makes sense how Katya feels. She finds herself immersed in her mind from time to time during the day, building that scenery in her mind. She pictures herself dating, her whole life planned in front of her - _happy_ \- and then she comes home to find a note on the refrigerator telling her the wedding that was to happen in three days is cancelled and her partner is gone, off to build the life you both imagined with someone else.

A lump forms in her throat at the fake situation she sees herself in. She can't really know what Katya must have felt, but she can sort of picture it and her heart aches.

She wants to be just as mad as she was before, but it's hard. She still doesn't know what happened for things to escalate so quickly or why Katya acted like she did out of the blue, why she would send texts like the ones she sent, but she can put herself in Katya's shoes, even if from years ago, and imagine the kind of feelings and fears that still linger from that. She knows really well how past experiences can influence a person.

She hasn't checked her work email since she's sent Katya the decoration plans in fear that she would have replied, but now she hopes that here's any kind of contact from her, so she checks it and just as expected there's a new one from Katya. She hovers on the mousepad for a few seconds before clicking on it.

_Trixie,_

_I have some questions regarding the flower colors on the entrance area, I was thinking about using that as an official place for guests to take pictures with their own phones. Can you comment on the attached graph?_

_Thank you,_

_Katya Zamolodchikova._

She reads it over and over, knows she brought it upon herself that Katya is all serious and business after the texts she had sent, but that was _then_ and this is _now_. She doesn't want to feel bad but she does.

Does _Katya_ feel bad? Would she have apologized if Trixie had agreed to talk to her?

She'll probably regrets this, but she picks up her phone and opens up the text chain she has with Katya, even if now it only displays her number as opposed to her name. The last text is still Katya's after that night. She does her best not to read it again.

_Trixie: hey_

_Trixie: i can't open your attachment_

It's a lie, but she can't find another reason to send her a text. She isn't sure herself why she's doing it, except she can't stop thinking about Katya left at the altar in a beautiful wedding dress - even if that never happened.

_Katya: hi_

_Katya: didn't expect a text from you_

_Katya: let me check the file, i'll send it again_

Trixie bites her lower lip, trying to figure out how to keep this going, how to say what she wants to say when she doesn't know what that is yet.

_Trixie: sorry if i was rude the other day_

She sends it before she can think it over. Part of her thinks she shouldn't apologize for anything, she still doesn't think she did anything wrong even if maybe she overreacted a little - she isn't the first and won't be the last adult to casually sleep with a friend. Even if that wasn't the original goal.

_Katya: it's ok_

_Katya: i know why you did it_

_Katya: i'm sorry too_

_Katya: i hope you know i'm sorry_

_Katya: things aren't b &w but either way i didn't react properly _

_Katya: and this makes no sense to you but just know that i'm sorry_

It makes more sense than Katya could know - Trixie knows more than Katya thinks she does. For some reason Trixie keeps trying to figure out Katya's crying face, how she would look like once she got home and saw the note that she'd been abandoned after five years and days away from a wedding. She can't picture it, can't replace Katya's usual smile with tears.

_Trixie: do you wanna meet up tomorrow?_

_Trixie: to talk about the wedding?_

_Trixie: email will probably be more work than it's worth it_

She waits patiently for Katya's reply, finds herself hopeful for the chance to see her. Maybe this is herself shooting herself in the foot, but Shea was right, Trixie owes to herself to talk about this, if Katya is willing.

_Katya: i'd love that_

_Katya: maybe we can talk about more than just the wedding?_

_Katya: at that corner café?_

Trixie knows the one, it's the same one they went that first day when they shared their work experiences.

She doesn't acknowledge the other question, just confirms quickly.

_Trixie: see you there at 10_

_Katya: see ya_

Guess Trixie will figure out what went down. Maybe they'll manage to somehow fix their friendship, at least. Or maybe they'll officially cut ties.

Trixie doesn't know which option leaves her more helpless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual lovelies, please leave me a comment below if you liked this or have any thoughts, last chapter comments were amazing and gave me such a a good writing energy! if you'd like to chat about this fic or any other of my fics i am on tumblr as @[pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/)


	8. We're all good, but we ain't angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _She takes a deep breath. All she wants is to keep a clear and open mind, knows she's guilty of walking into arguments with her mind set and this habit has ruined one too many things for her. She's hurt but willing to listen, understands more than Katya probably realizes and just wants to understand it fully. She just wants to turn the page, maybe to another chapter or maybe to the end of the story._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok! i did the thing! it took longer than the last couple of updates but it was still fast, right? anyway i have now officially decided on nine chapters as i could fit everything i wanted in the last and this one so i have a plan for the next which will be the last/epilogue thing (i expect it to be bigger than the average for this fic but no promises). this chapter was written in stages, all the core was done in 3k that was edited and improved in at least five different sessions that resulted in where we are now. i made my best to not have a cliche rushed unexplained chapter and i hope i succeesed and that it'll be a chapter you guys will enjoy.
> 
> as usual a huge thanks to [Conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com) for reading and proofreading it, and so so many thanks to all of you, the reception i got in the last two chapters blew me away and my heart is still so soft. i hope this chapter meets the same level of quality that you seem to have found in the previous ones!
> 
> enjoy!

Trixie’s always been a heavy sleeper who depends on an alarm clock to actually do things on time. She’s trained herself enough to wake up at the first sound and get up after one single snooze, however tired she might be, but she always sets an alarm if she has any appointment before noon.

Today, she wakes up at seven. Her eyes snap open as if she’s been shocked back into reality and it could be a dream she can’t remember but the point is she’s wide awake sooner than she has to be and it’s the first time in a really long while that this has happened. Her stomach is fluttering with something akin to anxiety and and she gives herself a few minutes to breathe deeply.

She’s meeting Katya today.

She grabs her phone from her nightstand and rolls around so that she’s facing the opposite side from the one Katya had slept in when she was there. Her heart tugs a little at the memory, but she forces her eyes closed for three seconds trying to get rid of the image. She has a better grasp of the situation now, which, granted, still doesn't make things _okay_ , but she's more open to understanding it and anyway they are meeting in a couple of hours to hopefully figure things out. There’s no point in suffering right now.

She checks her phone and the light blinds her for a few seconds. It’s 7:16 and there are no new messages except for a stupid meme Kim sent her in what must have been the exact moment she woke up. It’s funny but Trixie is too anxious to fully appreciate it or to engage in any conversation right now so she just ignores it.

There are no messages from Katya, so at least she didn’t cancel their plans. Yet.

Trixie thinks she’s probably awake, always up early to go do her yoga and from time to time even run or go to the gym - where she finds the motivation Trixie will never understand, but she finds it hot that she does so. Which, obviously, is totally inappropriate and definitely not what Trixie wants to be thinking about right now. _Focus_!

She's not tired at all and sees no point in staying in bed when she so antsy, so she gets up. She takes her time since she has it - she takes a long shower and washes every thread of hair, puts conditioner in twice until it’s soft and her curls are more defined, and then she lets her body dry naturally before putting on the outfit she’s picked - which, in itself, is a task that takes forever because she’s overthinking everything, doesn’t know how she should dress, what the encounter will be like, what they _are_ at this point.

She doesn't even know what she wants so say. What she wants to _hear_.

She's completely ready to go at barely 08:30 and just stands awkwardly in her own hallway for five minutes considering what to do. She could just hang around her own place in nice clothes and makeup for an hour while feeling anxious and with nothing to do, or she could go out and maybe get some breakfast even though they're going to a coffee shop. Getting fresh air sounds like a better idea than feeling trapped in her own apartment.

She walks aimlessly, trying to find a nice place to eat or anything else to do, really, and after she's settled for a bagel and a latte from this hipster restaurant near her house, she lets her feet drag her around as each step releases some of her worries. She's unbothered by where she's going because she's not in a hurry, has plenty of time to kill, so she simply wanders around until at some point she finds herself in a place she really isn't sure she should be at: in front of Katya's building.

She stops on her tracks, looks all around her wondering _what the hell, Trixie_? After several seconds just staring at the top of the building she tries going up three steps, but freezes and goes down again, stops in front of the staircase with her bottom lip between her teeth thinking about what to do. She could just turn around and go back home, breathe for like five minutes before going to the coffee shop. She could go straight to the café and have time to recompose herself. Or she could just wait there until Katya appeared and own up to the fact that she walked there.

Then, she hears behind her, "Trixie?"

The voice is confused and it's _definitely_ Katya's. Trixie freezes on the spot, turns around slowly while she gulps.

"Uh, hi." She gives a short stupid wave. "I was in the neighborhood."

Katya has bags in her hands, visibly filled with plants, her hair wet from what Trixie assumes was a recent shower. She raises her eyebrows.

"Right. In the neighborhood."

There isn't a lot to do near Katya's place so the excuse won't take her far, but she sticks with it.

"Yeah. In the neighborhood."

Katya just stares at her and Trixie feels very vulnerable. There's an intensity to Katya's eyes that Trixie's never really noticed but might have always been there. She feels _seen_. She also feels uncomfortable being this close to Katya, tries to repress the memories of that night but isn't quite successful as they've been visiting her quite frequently, different feelings attached each time. She takes a step back.

"Ok," Katya finally says as if Trixie's movement took her out of her stupor. "I went for a jog earlier and saw some nice plants but I didn't have my wallet so I thought I'd go buy some before going out to meet you. I was gonna drop these inside and go."

Katya is basically rambling as she often does, but her explanatory tone tells Trixie she's nervous - which is actually relieving, because she is too. Trixie nods for lack of what to say. "Cool."

Katya doesn't move and neither does Trixie, both staring at each other and their surroundings for longer than would be considered normal. It's awkward and Trixie doesn't like it, still hates the feeling of being awkward around Katya, even after everything - _specially_ after everything.

"I'll be back in a sec-" Katya finally moves towards the door, but Trixie turns with her.

"I can come with you? We can talk here."

She doesn't know why she's offering this, being alone with Katya at her place doesn't sound like the best idea for their situation, but she also doesn't feel like talking about everything in a public place.

She's inclined to believe she walked here for a reason.

Katya looks uncertain, guarded even, but nods nonetheless. "Uh, yeah, of course. It's a bit messy, I wasn't expecting anyone."

"That's fine, you've seen how _I_ live." It's supposed to be a joke but they look at each other as she says it and both try to pretend they aren't thinking about the last time Katya was there.

Trixie finds it harder and harder not to think about it. Both the good and the bad sides of it.

"Well, come on then."

They walk in silence towards the building and share the elevator with a young woman and a crying baby and Trixie's almost glad for their presence there to prolong their silence. She wants to talk things over - she _does_ \- but at the same time she wants to bury it deep inside as she usually would and she knows that each floor that the elevator goes up is a step closer to unleashing _feelings_. Trixie's not looking forward to that.

They wish the woman with the baby a good morning when they exit on Katya's floor and once inside her place Trixie stands unsure near the door as Katya goes to her balcony to place her newly bought plants. She can see the table they ate dinner at together all those weeks ago and the couch where they sat afterwards and she can practically hear the echo of Katya's words mixed with the dreaded text, _I don't believe in forever, I don't do relationships_.

God, what is she doing? This is a bad idea.

"Trixie?" Katya asks from where she appears in front of her, Trixie lost in thought. "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah," she agrees even though she isn't. "Just thinking."

Katya averts her gaze. "Uhum."

It's awkward, just awkward. Trixie didn't expect this to go well but she didn't expect things to be so _hard_. Talking to Katya had always been organic and now it's just heavy, difficult. Fuck, why did Katya ruin everyth- no. No. She isn't going to think like that. They are here to talk. To figure things out - one way or the other.

"Would you like some coffee?" Katya offers once the silence is too long and Trixie's grateful.

"Oh, yeah, I'd love some."

"You can sit down, I'll be right back. Black, one spoon of sugar, right?"

Trixie just nods. Katya remembers how she takes her coffee.

She moves to the couch and sits on the side where Katya had sat last time - it's a weak but manageable attempt to detach the current situation from _then_. She doesn't look around, makes active effort to ignore the paintings and photos around her, the colors of the room.

Katya is back sooner than she expects, holding two mugs. She offers one to Trixie and sits opposite her on the couch, all the space possible in between them. It hurts Trixie even though she thinks it shouldn't.

She takes a deep breath. All she wants is to keep a clear and open mind, knows she's guilty of walking into arguments with her mind set and this habit has ruined one too many things for her. She's hurt but willing to listen, understands more than Katya probably realizes and just wants to understand it _fully_. She just wants to turn the page, maybe to another chapter or maybe to the end of the story.

"So," Trixie starts although unsure of how to proceed with the sentence. What does she even want to say? She wants to understand what happened that day - while, simultaneously, never addressing it.

"So," Katya nods. "The wedding."

"Oh." The _wedding_. Of course, They had an agenda and the wedding was their main plan. "Right. You had questions?"

Katya stares at her, blinks a few times and then sighs as she averts her gaze, blows a little at her steaming cup. "I did, but maybe it can wait."

Trixie gulps and nods even if Katya is not looking at her. "Okay."

She doesn't know if she should talk or if Katya should speak first, so she sips at her coffee. It's too hot and it burns the tip of her tongue, but she bites her discomfort down. She feels unfair knowing more than Katya is aware of, but she doesn't want to be the one to burst the bubble and actually address the situation.

Jesus, she's a mess.

Katya is still not looking at her when she speaks again. "Sasha told me you disappeared for a few days after the party. Stopped answering calls or texts. I got worried.”

Trixie had wondered how Katya got worried to the point where Willam heard about it when she'd made no attempt to contact her prior to the written note. She just nods. “I know. I needed time, I was very angry.” She sees no point in denying her feeling, her discontent has been more than obvious at this point.

Yet, Katya looks at her quizzically. “Angry?”

“And sad. Heartbroken.” She shrugs as if it’s no big deal even though it’s quite possibly the biggest deal Trixie’s dealt with.

“ _What_?” Katya’s tone is nothing but surprised and Trixie is not following. Are they talking about the same thing?

“Uh, yeah? What did you expect?”

Katya just blinks at her several times, her mouth agape completely dumbfounded. “Uh-”

“But I don’t know if I am anymore. I mean, I am a little, but I understand it now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You leaving.” Trixie doesn’t say it but there’s a silent _duh_ at the end of her sentence.

“Trixie-” Katya’s face gets more and more confused by the second, but now that she’s started Trixie wants to talk this through.

“But, yeah, I did learn a few things that sort of gave me some perspective.” Katya doesn’t say anything, just stares at her as if waiting. She still looks confused. “I know about… I was just trying to figure out my feelings and Shea thought-”

Katya’s posture changes completely once Trixie says that, she actually _snorts_ and it’s enough to shut Trixie up in complete confusion and for her eyebrows to shoot up. "Of course,” Katya comments.

Trixie doesn't get Katya's sarcastic tone all of a sudden and it completely throws her off. She just needs to finish her train of thought, she just needs Katya to know what she knows - and to explain it better. "What I’m trying to say is that I know about the wedding."

Katya is back to confused. Either way Trixie is still not following. "The wedding?"

"Yeah, uhm, the one- with your ex." God, this is uncomfortable. "From college."

"Oh." Katya looks stunned, her face darkens. " _Oh_."

"Shea was just trying t-"

"You know what, I don't care why she thought she should tell you that." She moves her free hand around, angry eyes looking around the room. "It's personal. I didn’t even know she knew it, god, Sasha is gonna _hear_ it."

Trixie had not considered that Katya might be mad at Shea for telling her. It makes sense, of course, and now she's dug herself into a bigger hole and she doesn't know how to get out of it. She also never meant for Katya to get mad at Shea.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to understand..."

"Understand what, exactly?" Katya looks at her with the anger she's been aiming at the room and as bad as Trixie feels about her situation, she's first and foremost hurt by Katya's actions and she won't allow Katya to disregard her further.

" _You_!" she exasperates because what does Katya expected, really? Maybe Shea had been wrong in telling Trixie but Katya can’t act as if all of this isn’t her fault.

"Me? What does that even mean? You’re not making any sense today!"

So she’ll play dumb, that’s her move today, huh? “You’re joking, right?"

"Me? You do all those theatricals and- You know what, no. Okay.” Katya runs her free hand through her hair and then takes a sip of her coffee. Trixie is too stunned to say anything. “I promised myself I wouldn't argue with you. We’re gonna talk this over, like adults."

Now Trixie is the one who snorts. "Sure."

Katya takes a deep breath, drinks one more sip and places her almost empty cup on the coffee table in front of them. Trixie hasn’t touched hers again and by now it must be getting cold.

"That… that is very personal, Trixie.” Katya’s voice is deflated and Trixie’s guard falls down a bit. She knows it is and she thinks it must be the memory that Katya avoids the most. “And it happened a long time ago. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything."

Trixie looks at her in disbelief. That’s got to do with everything, doesn’t it? "Uh, I don’t know, perhaps your fear of commitment?"

Katya stops as if she's been punched. "That's not- I don’t have a fear of commitment! And why do you even care, anyway?"

What is wrong with their rollercoaster of feelings today? They haven't even properly talked yet.

"Because you _left_! You literally fled like a stupid fuckboy, what the hell!"

“Are you-” Katya stops mid sentence with large movements of her hands, it’s like she doesn’t know the words she needs to say, like her feelings are too fast for her brain. "Why is that so bad considering where you're at?"

_What?_ "What the fuck are you talking about?"

It's like a ping pong match and Trixie's head is throbbing at the back and forth. That's not what she expected, it’s not how she wanted things to go. She just wants an _answer_. She just wants Katya to explicitly say what happened and _what now_. Not this.

Katya seems to take in Trixie's stance and expression, doesn't say anything as Trixie places her full coffee cup on the table and puts both her hands on her forehead, squeezing while she breathes.

"Okay.” Katya says quietly. “Okay, let's do this right. Tell me what Shea told you."

"Katya-"

"I'll have my beef with her later. Just tell me what you know."

Trixie takes a deep breath, hopefully now they’ll accomplish what they need: sort it all out. "She just told me the general thing. Dated for a long time, got engaged, abandoned three days before the wedding."

"Two."

"Huh?"

"It was two days before the wedding. The ceremony was on a Saturday, she left sometime between noon and five on Thursday while I was working."

Katya is looking at a blank wall as she says it, her expression mirroring the surface, no emotion to show. Trixie feels all of those things inside her chest again, thinking about what Katya must have felt like. How many times has she told the story? How long did it take her to get over it? Has she, even?

"I'm so sorry," Trixie says, because she _is_. She's still hurt and still wants Katya to properly explain herself - 'I was left at the altar years ago' isn't quite a complete excuse - but she is terribly sorry that someone as lively as her went through that, that _Katya_ went through that. Things might be all sorts of wrong but Trixie likes her. Trixie still doesn't want Katya to suffer.

Katya shrugs. "It took me a long time to even understand that it'd happened - I never understood _why_. Not why she left but why she waited until the very last minute. She could have ended it sooner, you know."

"You never talked about it afterwards?"

"No. While I was at work she packed every single thing she owned and every item in the house that she had paid for and just- just left. I came back to an empty apartment and a note on our fridge board saying, and I quote ‘I just can't go through with this, you can keep all the refunds and the presents’.”

"Oh my god."

"She'd never been the cold type so that was- I don't know. I didn't try to talk to her right away, I was still hopeful she was gonna change her mind and come back on the day of the wedding but - she didn't, of course. I texted her a few times after that and she never replied."

Trixie opens her mouth but she doesn't know what to say. It doesn’t matter because Katya is still fixated on the wall, just telling the story without paying any attention to Trixie’s reaction, apparently lost down memory lane.

"A few months later I went to San Diego for a job and I saw her in a café. She was holding hands with a girl - and it might be my mind playing tricks but she looked _so much_ like her old high school girlfriend. I didn't stay there to investigate and I never checked any of her social media but, like, I'd seen plenty of pictures of the girl and it really, really looked like her."

"That's really shitty." It's not a good reply to the situation but Trixie hardly thinks there would be any.

"It is. Makes me wonder about our years together, you know? If she was in love with her old girlfriend through all of it… I don't know, I never pegged her for a cheater but I never pegged her for a quitter either. Just shows you that sometimes the people you know the best… well, sometimes you don't actually know them at all."

Trixie gulps because she'd used those words before - and she’d been talking about Katya.

"Yeah. I get that."

"So, yeah," Katya nods absentmindedly as she looks at Trixie, apparently back in the moment. "That did make me wary of relationships for a long time - my feelings for her lasted for a good while after that. It must have been a year, maybe more, where I didn’t try to have any kind of relationship. But I'm over it, now, I'm past that, I'm past _her_."

Trixie nods because, yes, people move on from these things eventually. But, still, she knows the wounds linger. "Being over it doesn't mean that you aren't still wary."

Katya rolls her eyes. She's playing it light but Trixie can see she's exhausted from what she just revisited. "Of course these things affect me but I'm not _afraid of commitment_ -"

"Katya you said it so yourself _on this very couch_."

"No, what I _said_ was that being with someone forever sounds like a naive expectation! And either way-"

" _You_ _texted it to me_!” Trixie cuts her off because, god, tragic past aside, how can Katya still be making so light of the fact that she _left_. No explanation, no nothing, unequivocally left. “You did it right after- after-"

"Like you don’t know why.” Katya is exasperated and honestly so is Trixie. Things just keep escalating totally out of their control and she is frustrated - they both are. “You can't tell me this hurts you as much as it hurts me."

"What? Why would you be hurt? You’re the one who decided to leave!"

"Because of you! Because I _like_ you and-"

Trixie cuts her off with a snort. "That seems plausible, sleeping with a girl you like and then fleeing!"

Katya gets up and throws her hands in the air as if surrendering. "You're impossible, Trixie."

How do things keep getting out of control? Why is it so hard to talk about your feelings?

"No, _you're_ impossible!" Some part of Trixie feels bad for exploding at Katya after what she just told her, but the fact that Katya hadn't owned up to it or apologized _once_ is driving her up the wall. After Katya's texts the day before Trixie fully expected her to just be forward and explain herself, but they keep dancing around this and Trixie's getting tired. " _I_ like you, I _actually_ like you and I can't believe that I do, honestly, I can't believe that after all this time and everything that it’s _you_ , and that you’d go out acting like-"

" _Please_ , don't play the victim-"

"Shut up, I'm not doing anything!” Trixie gets up too and starts pacing, her breathing heavy. “Do you know how hard this is for me? Do you have any idea how hard it is to have this happen after- god after the mess my romantic life was - or is, I don't know? I was secretly hung up over Shea for _years_ , Katya, years, did you know that?"

"Duh?" Katya replies as if it's the simplest question in the world.

Trixie stops in her tracks. Her eyes snap at Katya immediately. "What?"

"What, you think I would _forget_?" Katya's tone borders on mockery.

"Forget?" Is she serious? "You actually _knew_ it?"

Katya looks at her as if she's grown another head, her whole body is practically vibrating.

"What does that even mean, you _told_ me!” She accuses pointing her finger. Trixie freezes completely. What? “You get fucking _hammered_ , ask me to bring you home and fucking _sleep_ with you and then you 'sweet talk' yourself to sleep with tales of you _best friend_ who you are _in love with_ and I'm supposed to stay? What else, you expected breakfast in the morning, too?"

Trixie is still frozen, her chest tightening at the words. She opens and closes her mouth incessantly, trying to find words, any word at all, but her brain is empty. She can't have told Katya she's in love with Shea, not when she knows those feelings diminished and disappeared over the years, not when she is so certain that she's been over that for longer than she's even realized, not that night when everything had changed, not after being with Katya.

Not when Shea isn't the one she's in love with.

"I'm- I'm not in love with Shea."

Katya's laugh is humorless and Trixie hates it more than she hated their entire conversation today, she feels like their roles suddenly reversed from what she thought they were a mere minute ago and she doesn't know what to do with herself. "Well, that's not what you said that night." It looks like it pains her to say this. "Right after- _god_." She covers her face with her hands and Trixie's heart squeezes so tight that her entire chest burns.

"I can't have said that." Did she really drink enough to forget something like _this_? "Not like that. That's not - I don't think I was _ever_ in love with her. I didn't say that. What did I say, Katya, I know I didn't use these words?"

"You don't remember? You're kidding me."

Trixie shakes her head, her stomach filled with guilt. She started this whole thing thinking she'd been done wrong but apparently that's not quite true. "I don't, I'm sorry, I really don't." She really is sorry and she needs Katya to believe it. "But I know for certain I didn't say that, because it isn't how I feel. It's not - I think I never felt like that but I'm sure I especifically don't feel like that now."

Katya searches her eyes and they stare at each other for seconds on end in complete silence. Trixie hopes that she can convince Katya of - she doesn't know what, exactly. That she doesn't like Shea? That she likes _her?_  Both? Whatever it is, if it's on her… Katya seems to be a lot more forgiving, which she knows it's unfair, but she didn't expect to be on the apologizing end of the equation and now she somehow is, even if Katya's actions hadn't been the most mature reaction to it all. But maybe, if it's up to Trixie to fix this… maybe they can find a better alternative. Something that isn't cutting contact entirely or just reklinding their friendship - perhaps Trixie can work on them finding something more. Maybe she can convince Katya.

Katya's posture changes all of a sudden, she looks a little more relaxed, less guarded maybe, even if her expression is still pained, and she takes a deep breath before sitting down again.

"I shouldn't have- you were really drunk- I kne-"

"No, stop." Trixie will most likely never live down her habit of drinking to try to make things easier. They almost always backfire. "I remember everything- well, almost everything about that night. I- I was sober enough to consent to everything and I _remember_ everything and- I enjoyed everything, too." She hopes Katya knows how much that night meant to her - she hopes she's said it, then, although it seems unlikely. So she wants it to be clear now. "It's just, _talking_ , I get talkative when I'm drunk and I don't always-"

"You said it felt nice to not tie yourself down to your feelings for Shea anymore." Katya cuts her off with a very low voice, her head facing down towards her lap.

"Oh."

"You said it felt nice to finally try to let go of it, to not think about it and live your life. _Have fun_."

"Katya-"

"And until then- maybe I'm stupid but I had never noticed it?" She looks back up at Trixie as if she's somehow to fault for this. God, Trixie wishes this was all over, if she hadn't said anything - and then proceeded to _forget_ \- then Katya wouldn't have left and things- ok, there's no use thinking like this now. She just needs to fix this. "I was actually pretty sure you liked me too, there were so many hints, or at least I thought there were. I hadn't considered dating for a long time, but with you- I don't know, I thought that was finally the night. And it wasn't."

"I really didn't mean it like that."

"Like what? Like you liked Shea?" Katya forces as if Trixie will end up admitting she does. But she really doesn't - Katya needs to see that.

" _Yes_. I did like her, Katya, I'm not denying that. But not - god, not by that point, not that night. I tried so hard to repress the fact that I had feelings for you, I denied it to myself so many times. I wouldn't ever have made a move on you if I still liked her and didn't like you. That's not- I don't do that type of thing. I just want you to know why this is so important for me, why having feelings for you is so major. That's what I meant, you get that, right?"

Katya nods even though she doesn't look totally convinced - Trixie doesn't blame her, as much as she dislikes it.

"That's why I left." Katya explains it as if Trixie hadn't figured that out already. Trixie spent two weeks thinking Katya wasn't the person she thought she was and apparently, well, apparently Trixie was just digging into old wounds, even if unintentionally, even if in a different way.

She'd been left for an old love before. Trixie gets it.

"You fell asleep not long after saying all that and I just waited for a while before getting up and leaving." She takes a deep pained breath. "I really couldn't stay." Trixie agrees with a nod, she wouldn't have stayed either. "You're right, maybe I'm still wary about opening up and getting involved with someone and- and being abandoned. But you can't blame me. It's not your fault, but you can't blame me."

"I don't. But we could've talked."

Katya shrugs. "We're talking now."

"I guess. Could've talked sooner, though."

"I guess."

It's quiet again but this time it stretches. Trixie can hear the cars honking many, many floors below, the bathroom sink that leaks a new drop every ten or so seconds, the air-conditioning in Katya's room that sounds like a very old model.

She wishes she knew what to say, but Katya's always been the one to fill up quiet moments.

"You're not in love with Shea?" she finally asks, her eyes searching for Trixie's. Trixie thinks that what she sees in there is hope, or maybe she's just hoping herself.

She shakes her head. "No. God, I’m really not." She's come to the realization that her feelings for Shea were gone a while back, but addressing it so directly in front of Katya of all people, it just feels _freeing_. Maybe that's what her drunk ass had attempted the other day. Now she can do it right. "It's funny because- I felt something for her for a long time. I obviously didn't want to, so I tried to wish them away and to pretend they weren't there and, well, somewhere along the way they actually disappeared and I didn't even notice. But I was never in love with her - not before and definitely not now."

"How are you so sure?"

"Because I'm in love with _you_." She didn't think she'd say that, but as the words leave her lips her chest gets lighter and lighter. "And it feels different."

Katya's breath catches on her throat, her eyes widen. "Trixie-"

"I'm just saying it because it's true. Because this is what I wanted to say that night."

Katya nods, eyes blown wide and sparkling. "Okay." Is all she manages to say.

"And also I'm sorry."

"For what?" Katya asks but Trixie knows it's out of politeness. She knows what for. But she's also already forgiven her, Trixie can see it on her face.

"You know what. Everything. What you went through, what I said, blaming you-"

"It's oka-"

"Ruining this."

Katya stops, blinks a few times as she stares at Trixie. Then she shakes her head. "You didn't ruin this."

Her heart thunders a couple time inside her chest. "No?"

"We should have talked sooner."

Trixie nods vehemently. "We should have. I'm sorry."

Katya shrugs. "My fault there. And I'm sorry for how I handled things."

"I get-"

"Still shitty, though. Leaving you like that, the text- I thought you remembered. I thought it'd make sense to you and that you wouldn't care."

Trixie nods but says nothing, it's hard to find it in her to hold it against Katya after everything. Especially if Katya also isn't holding anything against her. She finally moves back to the couch, sits a bit closer to Katya who merely watches her do it.

"What now?"

"I don't know. We move past it?"

"Pretend it never happened?"

"Oh," Katya straightens up.

"I mean the fight! Not- not th-"

Katya laughs through her nose. "I got it."

Maybe she still sounds a bit wary, but Trixie's counting her blessings. The air is definitely lighter and maybe there's a chance for them. If Katya wants it.

"Unless you don't want to?" Trixie asks uncertain.

"Isn't it too rushed? Just putting white-out on all of it?"

Trixie shrugs. "Maybe. I just- nevermind."

"What is it?"

"How do you feel?"

"Regarding what?"

" _Me_. How do you feel about me?"

"Oh. I thought that was obvious."

"Katya-"

She shakes her head in disbelief and looks at her with a tiny side smile. "I'm in love with you, too, Trix."

Her heart grows twice its size, and yet she smiles about something else. "It's Trix again, huh?"

Katya shrugs, her own smile growing. "Unless you don't want it?"

"No, no, I definitely want it."

They must look like two maniacs, Trixie thinks, smiling wider and wider at each other after their previous screaming match.

They are okay, right? They're gonna be fine.

Katya inches closer and raises her right hand to touch her hair. It brings her back to that night at the club, the soft touches in the midst all of the urgency.

She feels much better being sober. And being honest.

"Are we cool?" She asks with honest eyes and Trixie can't believe that she managed to reverse the mess they were in.

At the end of they day, they both said they're in love. That's what matters right?

"Yeah," Trixie breathes out.

"Nothing else to unleash?"

Trixie denies. "No."

Katya nods lightly, almost imperceptible.

"Can I kiss you, then?"

Trixie doesn't even respond, just inches forward and closes the gap between them.

Her heart beats faster inside her chest as Katya moves her other hand to pull her closer and she's sure she can feel Katya's heart beating fast too. This time there's no urgency, no booze, no secrets on the way. There's just the two of them being honest with each other.

Katya's lips are softer than she remembers, she tastes lightly of coffee and tobacco and usually that would put her off but she just keeps pulling her closer. She'd come into this conversation, had spent the last two weeks actually, thinking it'd be it. Instead, they're kissing. And in love.

Trixie relaxes into the moment. It looks like there's a next chapter after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all found the resolution satisfying and that it was an overall good chapter, so if you have any thoughts on it please let me know by leaving me a comment below! you can also visit me on tumblr where i'm @[pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com). see you next (and last) chapter <3


	9. for Somebody to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _She grins, red lips widening all around her teeth, and then she moves forward to kiss Trixie on the lips, quick, light and innocent. She probably doesn’t want to ruin their lipsticks, but she wants Trixie to understand._
> 
> _Trixie does._
> 
> _“I love you, too,” she murmurs anyway, face still close to hers, and Trixie just giggles as they start walking again._
> 
> _She knows it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh well, here i am, the last chapter! i have lots of things about this universe that i'd like to tell - but for now, this is the end! i want you all to be aware that this is purely strictly fluffy and cute and cheesy and cliche and nothing less than this, so proceed with caution! i am confident i have closed all the gaps before and now can give you a good and nice chapter to finish off our story.
> 
> a huge thank you, of course, to [conny](http://connyhascontrol.tumblr.com) for being one of my best friends and supporter and for cheering me on with this since the beginning, and of course all of the thank yous and hugs and kisses in the world to all of you, who have read, commented, gave kudos, liked, reblogged, left tags, sent asks and just overall supported me in any way, i love writing and i love that people seem to like what i write and i can't wait to start (continue?) other projects!
> 
> a quick remind that this fic and all its chapters are names after the song [Somebody to Love](https://open.spotify.com/track/7BrzsqvkOKcZSypRoAqjkm?si=gcaAdXyVQoCRRqe9k7taHA) by Kacey Musgraves and i recommend you give it a listen in this chapter!

Trixie’s learned a lot of things in all of her years working with weddings, but the most important one is that no amount of planning will prevent the actual day from being rushed and chaotic or things from going wrong. Knowing this and having her own coping mechanisms is what makes her so good at what she does - running around fixing things last minute doesn’t get her anxious or nervous anymore and that’s how things always work out in the end.

Of course being the planner and not only the decorator adds some extra pressure to it and she worries a lot that this will be her first fail - wouldn't that be wonderful, failing on her best friend's wedding? - but luckily she’s not doing it by herself.

“Uh, where are these supposed to go again?” Katya asks pointing to the flowers behind her being delivered by her two favorite employees from her favorite flower shop.

“Hi Chris, hi Ron,” she greets quickly with a smile because it’s _a wedding_ but they’re used to it, she's always rushing at the ceremonies and apologizing next time she goes in for new orders. “That table near the exit is fine, I’ll have a team to do the decoration with them in like fifteen minutes.” She points absentmindedly before turning around again to see if Willam is still following the color scheme Trixie's taught her with the ribbons she’s arranging. She is, thankfully, seems rather distracted by the repetitive manual task even.

Katya steps forward and touches her elbow to get her attention. “Can I help you with anything? I've done pretty much all on my side of the list and then went ahead and talked to the caterers - don't worry, they’re following all of your _precise_ instructions, I checked.”

Her tone is mocking but Trixie knows she’s joking by the glint in her eyes. “You sure? Are they measuring it with a ruler?” she deapans.

Katya blinks for a second at Trixie’s serious tone, but then she squints. “You’re messing with me,” she states.

Trixie can’t help the smile on her lips. “I would never.”

Katya swats her arm lightly and contradicting her new words, gives another step forward. “Since you don’t need anything I’ll go find a hammock to lie down on until it’s time for me to start shooting things.”

Trixie just rolls her eyes and moves her hand to the small of her back, holds her in place subconsciously. “Well it would actually be nice if you could take photos of the making-of-”

“How dare you, I’m a photographer, I _know_ there should be photos of th-” She has this fake offended look on her face that is _very_ cute and Trixie does her best to ignore it and keep talking.

“But I think that you’re the only person who knows my decoration plans almost as well as I do and I’ll need someone to fix the flowers in the aisle and tell the team that’ll assemble things where it’s all supposed to go.”

Katya gives an exaggerated gasp, hand on her heart for good measure. “You’re trusting me with your flowers?”

Trixie’s first instinct is to say that she trusts Katya with a lot more than her flowers or decorations, but Willam is right beside them no longer in a trance, watching them with a sly grin as she ignores the task at hand, and Trixie doesn’t want her to be included in their moment. As comfortable as they are in their situation, Trixie still likes real intimate moments - and not only the physical kind - to be private. Besides she doesn't need Willam asking questions they don't have the answer to yet - _what are you guys anyway_?

“It’s a test, I wanna see if you’ll pass,” she teases instead as she squeezes Katya’s side where her hand is resting. Katya opens her mouth to reply, it’s a teasing match that’s bound to last for hours if they get the chance, but Willam tires of it and intervenes.

“Oh my god, get a _room_.” She rolls her eyes and makes a disgusted expression that Trixie knows is fake because the first time Katya walked into her store after they sorted themselves out and proceeded to peck Trixie on the lips in front of Willam, there was a genuine smile on her face.

“Can we? Will you finish the hall?”

Willam huffs. “As if you’d trust me with finishing an entire wedding, you non-bride version of a bridezilla.”

Trixie gasps but Katya is the one that speaks, trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

“Ok, the wedding, let’s finish the wedding. Willam go back to your ribbons, I’ll go back to my flowers, Trixie will go back to screaming at everyone to get things right.”

Willam laughs loudly at her words and Katya muffles Trixie’s offended gasp by kissing her lightly on the lips before turning around and exiting with a little wink.

Trixie knows she has a stupid smile on her lips so she leaves Willam alone and goes to check what else is going on. Not doing this alone is what gives her the confidence they'll manage it.

She's really glad for Katya.

*

“So, how are things?” Pearl asks as she tries to set her DJ things on the stage Trixie reserved for her. She isn’t looking at Trixie but she has a knowing smirk on her lips.

“Things are good, how are things for you?” She knows what Pearl's getting at but she doesn’t take the bait.

“I’m interested in your things, not my things," she says looking at her equipment and Trixie is looking at it too, worried about the amount of wires that are not connected to things.

“I have no _things_ -”

“Oh my god, will you just tell me how are things between you and Katya, already?” Pearl asks exasperated and looks at her, her fingers going still.

Trixie tries her best to keep her expression detached, but she can’t help her smile and she knows Pearl is delighted. “They’re good. Also that’s an excessive use of the word _thing_ -”

“Don’t change the subject, I want details!”

“There isn’t much to tell - also, don’t stop working, we’re on a schedule here - we’re just… I don’t know, seeing where things go.”

“So there are things?” Pearl swirls her eyebrows.

“Oh my _god_ -”

“No, seriously, it’s going well then?”

She sounds very sincere in her question and Trixie is suddenly reminded of how much their friends care despite everything - they tease _because_ they care, she knows that. They just want both of them to be happy - that’s what Shea said when Trixie told her they had figured things out. And she knows this, even if she fakes annoyance or gets actually annoyed sometimes, she knows it and she appreciates them.

“It is. We’re really happy - well, I am at least, and I think she is, too-”

“I am,” Katya’s voice startles Trixie from behind her. “Hey, Pearl.”

“Hi,” she replies with a smirk as she goes back to her wires and equipment pretending not to pay attention to them - as if any of their friends would have that much respect anyway.

“You startled me,” Trixie says as she turns around to look at Katya. “How long have you been listening?”

“The very beginning, I was crouching right there testing my camera.” She points to where she’s left her camera resting on the floor near them, behind a tiny wall. "You're right, it really was an excessive use of the word _thing_."

"Oh, right." She laughs although a bit nervously, the middle of a wedding setup is not exactly where Trixie wants to engage in a conversation about their relationship, even though it's something that's been on her mind more and more lately. "You know, Pearl is really nosy."

"She sure is," Katya replies, both of them aware that she's listening - both making _sure_ that she's listening.

Case in point: she starts muttering about bad friends.

" _And_ ," Trixie adds louder. "She's got things to finish before the party starts."

"You know how she is, though, always lazy," Katya adds with a grin.

"You two are terrible and I regret caring about your happiness," Pearl finally loses it even though she's still focused on the set of tangled wires. "Can either of you help me with this?"

"Are you not a specialist? I asked if you had help coming and you said _I can do it myself I've been DJing for_ years _and_ -"

"I thought we agreed to stop believing Pearl after the disaster she was at our last Christmas together?" A voice interrupts Trixie and when she turns around she can't help the squeal that escapes her lips when she sees Trannika and Kim.

"Girls!" She opens her arms and hugs both, one with each, and they hug her right back, one minute where they silently agree to just be happy together before they start bantering about each and everything that they can think of.

Trixie can't _wait_. God bless Shea for getting married and dragging her other two best friends to LA.

When they part Pearl moves and hugs them the same way. Trixie can't stop smiling, soon the hall will be ready and everyone will be there and Shea will get married and the people that Trixie cares the most about in the world will be together and she can barely wait for it, her stomach is blooming with happiness already.

"You must be Katya," Trannika says when Pearl frees them, moving towards Katya.

"Don't say _you must be_ as if Trixie didn't send us at least a hundred pictures of her already." Kim adds also walking towards her.

Oh _god_. Right. The two of them being there means two more people to tease her.

"Yes, it is I, Katya," she jokes on a heavy Russian accent and for one tiny second the two girls are startled. "I heard so much about you guys, nice to meet you." She finally adds in her regular heavy bostonian accent.

"I didn't know she was a liar, Trixie, there's no way you said nice things about either of us," Trannika jokes.

"Well-" Trixie is so ready to catch up on all of the banter that they can't do living on opposite coasts, but they have a wedding to finish and the girls will be there for another week so there'll be time and more opportunities.

Kim doesn't let her speak, though. "So, you've been skittish on the phone recently, wanna tell us more than the almost nothing you shared?" Her eyes move to the place where Trixie's hand is very close to Katya even if not touching, then to the two of them, standing side by side.

"Apparently _things are good_ ," Pearl jokes from behind them.

Katya is smiling her biggest white smile and Trixie loves it a lot but it's not the time to be distracted by her perfect teeth or Katya's overall happiness about the world, totally unbothered by the people she just met meddling in her life.

" _Apparently_ you managed to tangle those wires even more," Trixie says to her. "How about you girls make yourselves useful and help Pearl out?"

"Wow we get here from _Chicago_ and you want us to work?"

"You came here to help otherwise you wouldn't be in t-shirts," Trixie deadpans.

"Besides I know a bit more than you so I can share?" Pearl offers with a grin and Trixie groans while rolling her eyes but the girls seem excited.

"We'll leave you girls to it because we have stuff to do, but I'll be happy to share lots of details later if you want?" Katya offers.

"Katya!"

Everyone laughs as Katya starts to drag her away, and she finally laughs too when Katya's fingers intertwine with hers.

*

Trixie and Katya had promised the girls that they would wear proper formal dresses to the wedding, at least, so that they could appear in the pictures without standing out from everyone else - Shea and Sasha made it clear that they were accepting all of their help but they were first and foremost two of the most important people in their lives and they didn't want their presence in the wedding to be marked as anything other than that. Trixie usually does the whole wedding preparation in practical clothes and then changes to something more appropriate to wear to the ceremony, but this time she actually rents a proper party dress - which, obviously, perfectly matches the decoration. Katya also decides to wear something different before the wedding starts while they transform the hall into what it should be - she actually spends the whole time praying that her sweat glands will give her a break today. Trixie is wary about that so she dismisses Katya from setting up the small stage she was supposed to.

Things are never _finished_ at a wedding, there's always something left to do, some last forgotten detail or something gone wrong that must be fixed, but Trixie's regular team is there and she trusts them to keep going while she's away and also things are at a point where it's almost all done, so she leaves the hall in Willam's hands, knowing she can trust her more than she shows and goes to get ready. She'd sent Katya to shower twenty minutes ago already - they'd rented a hotel room for the day one corner away so that the bridesmaids could have a place for last touch-ups and it proves worthy when Katya sweat glands don't listen to her prayers.

She's in a towel blow drying her hair by the time Trixie comes in, the two of them the only ones in there yet as they have to get properly ready.

"All done?" Katya asks putting the blow dryer down, facing Trixie through the mirror with a small tired smile. Trixie gets it, she's exhausted and they have the whole ceremony and party ahead of them still.

Trixie shrugs as she starts removing her clothes distractedly. "As best as possible. I left Willam and the rest of the guys handling it, I'm hoping the place won't be in flames when we go back.”

Katya is eyeing her as she searches for a towel dressed only in her comfortable boy panties and sports bra, a proper lingerie set waiting together with her dress in her bag. "Have more faith in them."

Trixie rolls her eyes, doesn't acknowledge Katya's look. "I do, I do. Just don't tell them!"

Katya laughs as Trixie enters the bathroom and closes the door, she can hear Katya starting the blowdryer again. Trixie's hair is thick unlike Katya's so it withstands hairdos much better. The curls she's been holding since morning are still placed and waiting to be free, so she just puts on a shower cap before showering. She finishes fast and Katya is still fixing her hair when she leaves the bathroom.

"You know the wedding is today, right?" she teases.

"Shut up, I'm almost ready." She laughs with all of her front teeth on display and it hits Trixie how beautiful she looks just now, wearing only a towel, her hair not done, her face bare.

She sits by her side on the stool in front of the mirror, also wearing her towel and her hair still up, her makeup bag in hand. She can see Katya's by her side already.

"Should we have hired a professional makeup artist? I mean, it's a wedding," Trixie muses as she places all the articles she thinks she'll need in front of her.

"We have enough makeup skills to do the makeup of the guests, Trixie."

"Hm, me? Sure. You though? Debatable."

Katya bumps her shoulder with a tiny smile on her face as she finally finishes her hair and puts it behind a tiara to keep her face clear. "I am extremely talented at makeup, okay."

"Will you finally use these skills today?" Trixie asks while she starts applying her foundation.

"Shut up!" Katya laughs as she does basically the same as Trixie, albeit a little faster - Trixie doesn't know if it's more experience or less attention to detail. "I always do a proper makeup."

"Racoon eyes hasn't been proper makeup since before the existence of racoons, Katya."

"You're too mean to me, I have no idea why I like you."

Trixie can't help the smile that grows on her lips at her words, no matter how many times she hears it, she'll never tire of it.

"Because I am delight with great taste, musical talent and proper makeup skills."

"Who is also super humble and modest," Katya provides mockingly.

"Right, yeah, of course. Always."

Katya rolls her eyes, smiling softly. "Idiot."

Trixie shrugs. "Takes one to know one."

"Probably why we're so good together."

Trixie feels like a teenager when Katya says things like that, her whole stomach fills with butterflies and she can't believe that she's this happy with someone. She doesn't think it's ever happened before.

"We sure are," she replies without a hint of irony, killing their teasing match in favor of something much more special.

It's silent for a while as they focus on what they're doing, Katya is doing a proper winged eyeliner instead of her usual eyes, and Trixie may poke fun at her but she's actually really good at makeup and Trixie loves the choice she's making today. The colors will go beautifully with her blood red dress that she's shown Trixie only on the hanger and Trixie can't wait to see it on her already.

"How are you feeling?" Katya asks eventually after some quiet focused time, while she applies some mascara.

"Good?" Trixie replies in confusion, she doesn't remember saying anything about feeling bad today, she's just tired from all the running around but she's used to it.

Katya is not looking at her, her eyes fixated on the mirror in front of her as she inspects her makeup. She's fidgeting with her brushes as if she's nervous.

"You know, with the wedding. It's actually happening today. Are you feeling okay about it?"

It takes Trixie longer than it should to understand what Katya is asking and she stops the brush on top of her cheek when she does, her mouth opening up in shock.

"Because of _Shea_?"

Katya squirms on her seat, seems almost regretful. "I just want to make sure."

"Katya, we've been over this." It's been basically a month and a half since they talked and decided to try being together - no more past secrets. Since she admitted everything to her, made it _clear_ what her feelings were - what they _are_. And it's been such a good, wonderful month and a half. For Trixie, at least. She really hopes it has for Katya, too.

"I know, I just- sorry. I thought today might be hard. Regardless of-"

"Of the fact that I have nothing but platonic feelings for her anymore - for a while, now." Trixie tries not to sound annoyed, she gets where Katya is coming from. Still, she doesn't want this to always be a thing. She didn't think it was anymore.

Katya gulps, finally looks at her. She definitely feels guilty now. "Yeah. Sorry."

Trixie shakes her head, sighing. She can't be mad, not when she sees Katya's, face not when she knows how she must feel. "It's fine, it really is. But- well, I wish you would believe me, as hard as it may be. Today I'm nothing if not happy - other than perhaps tired. I'm happy my friend is marrying the love of her life and I'm happy I'll be part of it together with _you_."

Katya bites her lower lip, basically the only part of her face that doesn't have makeup on it yet. "I'm being stupid, aren't I?"

Trixie turns towards her, breaking eye contact through the mirror to make it directly. She puts her hand on the back of Katya's neck and holds her head, pulls her in to touch their lips together, their last chance to do so before the wedding when they want to be perfect and Trixie knows Katya's red lipstick will ruin her pink one. It's a short, light kiss, not enough to get them worked up because this really isn't the time, but enough for her to try to pour everything into it she feels.

"You're not stupid. Or maybe you are, a little." They smile at each other. "Either way I'm in love with you - stupid and all."

Apart from that first time when they'd admitted it, they haven't said that to each other all that much. They actually haven't discussed _them_ in depth, other than a few words here and there. Katya smiles brightly, the sides of her cheeks moving up and causing the cutest crinkles at her eyes, then kisses her again, although even briefer this time.

"Yeah, I'm in love with you too, stupid and all as well."

"Hey, we never said I was stupid!"

Katya shrugs, smiles widely. "I just did, bitch."

Trixie pecks her one more time then shoves her away.

"Finish your lazy makeup."

Katya shoves her too and it actually takes them much longer than necessary to apply their lipstick and go get dressed.

It's worth it, though.

*

Trixie doesn't expect to cry at all today because she's been to way too many weddings and has seen the befores and afters of enough of them to not let the whole fairytale fantasy get to her - even though she loves attending them and finds them breathtakingly beautiful.

Still, when something that she thought to be even more unlikely, such as Katya of all people dabbing her eyes between shots, Trixie feels like crying as well. She's standing close to the altar just in case something needs fixing - the pictures will be _perfect_ and she'll make sure of it - and from there she can see all of her friends and they're all crying a bit, even Kim standing next to them as the maid of honor to Shea has a watery smile, which Trixie will obviously constantly hold against her for at least five years.

The first thing that gets Trixie's eyes to water though is the image of the girls families. Sasha's dad cries terribly and she's never met him before but she knows he's a good man with a good heart who loves his daughter above anything, so Trixie can only assume that he's thinking of the fact that his wife is not there with them today. And Shea's parents, people she's more than familiar with, are also crying heavily holding hands together and Trixie is so happy for them, she's so happy for the two people that are joining their lives today and for the friends and family that are there to share this moment.

Her eyes fly back to Katya before she can even think and her heart maybe gives a halt when she sees the soft smile on her lips below the camera practically glued to her eyes. Katya is - _has been_ \- so happy for her friends since the beginning and Trixie's fought a lot of demons in this time but Katya's own happiness over their happiness is something that Trixie's always seen, even if perhaps she's never actively acknowledged it. And now she can feel it, too, can see Shea and Sasha holding hands as the officiant says his piece and even though she can't see their faces she knows they are living the best moment of their lives right now, and Trixie feels nothing if not an overwhelming sense love, affection and happiness for them.

She briefly remembers telling Katya she'd like to get married one day, and it's way too soon to ever consider if Katya might be the one, but seeing her smile and take pictures with such care, being able to practically feel the love emanating from her towards the people at the altar - Trixie knows that she would love it if they ended up there someday, if Katya wanted; that Trixie is definitely willing to do a lot if there's a chance Katya would say yes.

In a distant future, of course. Now it’s too soon to think about where they might go when they’re not particularly anywhere at the moment.. She’s in love with Katya, sure, and it’s happened quite fast. But that’s it. Even if Trixie's never been so certain that she's in love with Katya as much as she is now, in a room where love pours from every person, every wall, every breath taken. That’s it, right?

She’s taken back to reality when the flower girl wanders off and tips off a decoration piece. She fixes it immediately, sees Katya smiling at her from where she is, and then Shea’s voice reaches her. It’s time for the vows.

"Sasha," Shea starts with a shaky voice, and Trixie can finally confirm that she's crying too. "I have learned so much from you - your honesty and integrity have taught me to be true to myself and others. Your thoughtfulness and generosity have taught me to give with intention-"

Her words are so true to who they are that Trixie’s heart squeezes a little. She’s never had any doubts that Shea and Sasha were meant to be together, even through everything that she’s discovered about herself, their happiness was never in question and that’s something Trixie’s been thinking a lot in these past few weeks approaching their wedding. She’s had her feelings, hidden, confused, but she never doubted _them_ , the fact that they had to get married and that they’d be happy and that she truly was happy for them, despite it all.

She looks back at Katya as Shea keeps talking, a long speech that’s far from boring and it’s true to the core, and her heart aches a little at the thought that the beautiful woman holding a camera so passionately wants _her_ , with all of her flaws and after everything. And, Jesus, Trixie wants her right back. So much so. She likes who she is when she’s with Katya, she’s in love with her smile and her heart-

“Shea,” the change of voices to Sasha’s gets Trixie to turn back to them. “I love you, not only for what you are but also for what I am when I’m with you. Not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are helping me make of myself-”

-she loves Katya.

She knows it, now, clear as day. She _loves_ Katya.

Her feet itch to go and tell her right now, to see her eyes widen a bit as Trixie tells her, but she can't. So she'll gladly wait with her heart on her throat, will give her friends this moment that's supposed to be theirs and will wait patiently for the chance to go and tell Katya the words that they haven't exactly shared yet, even if Trixie knows them to be true - for both of them.

Sasha’s vows are also long but beautiful and Trixie knows that no one could be impatient listening to that, to the sincerity in her voice.

Everyone is crying by the time they finish their promises. Everyone cheers when the officiant announces them _wife and wife_.

Katya is too preoccupied with photographing every single second and Trixie’s actually more in love with her when she sees her work so passionately. Once the couple is out of the aisle and rice is being thrown at them, Trixie starts instructing all of the guests that aren’t part of the ceremony to go to the half of the hall that’s complete with tables and chairs where the food will be served. They’ll clear the space where the wedding took place to set up a dance floor and a few more tables that are reserved for family and the closest friends, all currently outside at the official photo session.

Trixie is coordinating the team fast to have the space ready for when they come back, and soon Katya passes through the curtain that divides the hall in two.

“I’m not finished!” Trixie thought they’d take at least fifteen more minutes.

Katya rolls her eyes. “No, dummy, they want you in the pictures.”

Oh, right, of course. “Uh-”

“They can finish setting up some tables, right?” Katya asks holding her hand and looking at the guys that are moving stuff around. They just nod. “Stop being a workaholic.”

“You literally have a camera in your hands, you kettle.” She laughs but follows her nonetheless, stops one step short of the curtain.

“What is it?” Katya asks looking back at her, her eyes earnest.

“I love you,” she blurts out. She wasn’t planning on doing so, not here, not in the middle of the wedding, with a time restraint and people around. But what else is she to do when the words have been burning her throat?

Katya blinks rapidly for a few seconds, gasps the tiniest bit while her hands squeeze Trixie’s involuntarily.

She grins, red lips widening all around her teeth, and then she moves forward to kiss Trixie on the lips, quick, light and innocent. She probably doesn’t want to ruin their lipsticks, but she wants Trixie to understand.

Trixie does.

“I love you, too,” she murmurs anyway, face still close to hers, and Trixie just giggles as they start walking again.

She knows it.

*

They hadn’t planned any time slots for speeches but both dads have something to say and so does Sasha’s cousin and even Trannika asks to say a few words - granted, she’s drunk, but it makes for a fun emotional experience.

Trixie's been to dozens of weddings - hundreds, maybe? She's lost count over the years - which means she's heard an absurd amount of speeches. She's been to weddings where the best man had gotten drunk and confessed he loved the bride - and she's been to weddings where the best man had gotten drunk and confessed he loved the groom. She's laughed and she's cried and she loved lots of the weddings she's been to, some couples left a mark on her and she thinks about them to this day, wonders if they're still together, if they're still happy.

Still, and it hits her like a brick to the face when Trannika is slurring her words in front of everyone, that she's never been to a wedding of someone she's close to. She's been the guest at weddings when she was a child and she'd been the plus one to weddings with two of her girlfriends, but she herself had never been an important guest in one. She's never been emotionally involved in a ceremony like she is in this one.

Maybe that's why she cries so much and gets distracted so much. She's usually so alert at weddings, she's saved a table from catching fire once because she saw a vase tilting and caught it before it hit a string of candles. Of course she was just trying to save her decorations - the reason why she's _there_ \- but she did prevent the fire, thank you very much.

Today, she keeps getting distracted. She still works and fixes little details that most people wouldn't even notice - right at the corner of the wall they're using for pictures the hot glue they used got loose and Trixie keeps putting tape on the purple ribbon hanging from it - but she catches herself looking around a lot more, paying attention a lot more. She almost regrets not being just a guest because she thinks she'd enjoy herself, but then things need supervision and she's the planner today, because Katya is taking pictures and giving orders to the assistants she's brought and she's glad she has things to do.

And yet, Shea had promised she'd be a guest for a while, that she'd sit, eat, have fun, take pictures, enjoy. So after the speeches when Pearl is setting up some louder music and people start dancing, Shea pulls her out of the kitchen where she's checking if everything's okay and takes her to the anteroom where Kim and Trannika are sitting down on the corner sofa, wine glasses in hand.

"I dug her out of the kitchen!" Shea announces loudly and the girls cheer and, yeah, Trixie is the least drunk of them - it's a nice change.

"What are you doing here, it's your wedding," Trixie nudges Shea back but it's no use as she sits down between Kim and Trannika.

"I'm having a heart to heart moment with my best friends in the entire world," Shea replies simply.

Trixie's heart squeezes at that, the three girls in front of her are also her best friends in the entire world. She misses Kim and Trannika every day.

"That's gay," Kim says.

Trixie sits down on the armchair close to the couch, brings it closer so she can insert herself into the conversation - even though she'd been practically dragged into it.

"So," Trannika starts with a smirk and Trixie knows where this is going.

"Oh my god, are we still doing this?"

"Yes!" Kim giggles which is always really funny, but Shea shakes her head.

"Actually, I want to talk seriously about this."

"Oh," Trixie is taken aback because even though she's smiling, she does sound serious, and this is the last thing she expected at her _wedding_. "You wanna do this today of all days?"

Shea shrugs. "Sasha asked for some time to talk to her dad. I might as well just take the chance."

"Okay..."

"I just want to know if you're happy."

Trixie smile drops when all three girls look at her, questioning. "Wow. Kinda heavy for a wedding isn't it?"

"Not unless you aren't."

Trixie blinks. At least this is one thing she's certain of. "I am, though."

Shea nods once, Trannika and Kim still just looking at her.

"And… that things we talked..."

"Still in the past. Very much so," she assures quickly.

Trannika squints. "What thing?"

Kim is a lot faster though, her mouth opening in shock. "Oh my god, you _told_ her?"

Trannika gasps, "Oh my god, _that_ thing?"

Trixie can barely think about to say because they just look at each other, Shea with wide eyes in the middle.

"You _knew_? Kim asks.

" _You_ knew?" Trannika rebates.

"Oh my god," Trixie mutters as she buries her head in her hands.

"Okay, enough. This is a lot more people in the know than I expected. Wow." Shea looks uncomfortable and this is her _wedding_ , why is this happening.

"Sorry, Shea-"

"I mean, I brought it up." She shrugs and then fake slaps the two girls so they'll act more maturely about this. "You told me that day that you liked Katya, I just wanted to know if that still stands." _If that’s the reason you two are together_ , it goes unsaid, but Trixie hears it anyway.

She bites her lip, can't help the smile that's starting to form anyhow. The three girls perk up at that, a gossipy look right back on their faces.

"Yeah. I mean- when we talked and made up - uh, she told me she was in love with me.” Is this oversharing? Probably. But they’re her best friends, right? “Well, after I told her I was in love with her." The girls make a sound that’s as close to squealing as any of them would ever go and Trixie rolls her eyes affectionately. "And today I told her I loved her."

"Oh my god!" Shea exclaims moving to the edge of the seat.

"What did she say?" Trannika asks with wide eyes, Trixie notices that her wine glass is now empty.

It’s like they’re all fifteen-year-olds again, gossiping about their first kiss, their first love, that butterfly feeling in your stomach. Coincidentally, that’s exactly how Trixie feels.

"She said it back," she confesses bashfully.

"That's so gay!" Kim says with a warm teasing tone and Trixie snorts.

"Yeah, it's a little bit gay."

"You never told me the story about- you know, that day,"  Shea moves her hand aimlessly.

"And I won't do it now when your wife is probably looking for you because it's your _wedding_ ," Trixie exasperates when she's back to the reality of where they are.

Shea rolls her eyes but stretches her arms so she can hold Trixie's hands.

"I'm just really happy for you," she says with sincerity and Trixie perhaps tears up, just a little.

"I'm happy for you, too. So much." And it's true. She means it from the bottom of her heart - no unresolved issues this time.

"Aww! I want in," Trannika places her hands around theirs and they laugh.

"Me too!" Kim joins and they are in the middle of a laugh when the door to the hall is open and Katya appears behind it.

They are still stunned and holding hands when with quick reflexes she holds her camera up and snaps a picture.

"Oh my god, this is gonna be the best picture of my career."

They release their hands and all share a look before Trixie stands up and walks towards Katya who unceremoniously pecks her lips. Trixie reaches out for her free hand.

"Looking for me?"

"Actually I was looking for Shea because Sasha found a ladybug in there god knows _how_ and wants a picture of it on top of their joined hands."

"I'm sorry, what?" Trannika asks.

"I swear I'm not making this up." Katya raises her hands as if surrendering - even though one is holding a camera and the other Trixie's hand.

"Ok, hold on, one minute. Girls, come here." Shea holds out her arms open for Trixie, Trannika and Kim to squeeze in. "Katya, do you mind?"

"You want me to take a _photo_?" She mocks as she positions herself already searching for a better lightning. "Unbelievable. One can't be a professional photographer with a camera at a wedding without people starting to expect things."

That gets the four of them to laugh and Katya takes the picture right then.

"It looks beautiful," she compliments as she looks at the visor on the camera.

Shea holds the girl in for one more second, squeezes them. "I love you, guys."

Trixie doesn't say it back, but she squeezes them hard in a tight embrace, too. From the corner of her eye she can see Katya just took another picture.

Katya just winks at her. She winks back.

*

Trixie takes a deep breath once she settles on the stool on the little stage they had set up. Her fingers hover on the chords for a few seconds as she clears her throat more forcefully than necessary. She loves singing but she's never been particularly great at singing in public - probably the main reason she never tried to pursue a singing career. Still, she really wanted to give Shea and Sasha something more intimate than a decoration - they agreed _no presents_ because she was already doing a lot of work and they didn't want her to spend more money, but she loves singing and they like when she sings at parties and they'll find it cute, right? She hopes so.

She raises her head from her guitar and searches briefly for Katya's face in the crowd. She's nearby, her camera on hand ready to snap pictures of every second Trixie's up there, she's sure. Trixie hadn't told her she was doing this and now she's glad - the song wasn't originally thought as a serenade to Katya, it was nothing more than a token to her friends, but now… now she sees she's an idiot and Katya had been the main inspiration for this all along. Now she's told Katya she loves her and Katya's told her right back, now all Trixie has to do is _make it official_ and she'll do so, right after she sings this - to her friends, yes, but mostly to Katya, and she hopes she'll get it.

She looks back at Thorgy who’s playing at the wedding to repay an old favor and nods as if asking she's ready. Thorgy nods right back, places the violin on her shoulder and the bow on the cords. _Ready when you are_ , she mouths.

"Well, hi everyone." She forces her eyes to look up and meet her audience. "I'm Trixie Mattel, the _first_ choice for Maid of Honor," she teases and Kim boos jokingly from where she's sat. "I did the decoration for the wedding and also helped plan it together with our wonderful photographer." She motions to Katya, can't hide her smile of pride, and it matches Katya's. "And now I'm here to do one last thing for our beloved couple which is to dedicate a song to them - which I'm sure you all could see coming," she jokes pointing to the microphone and the guitar in her hands. People are laughing and it calms her nerves a bit. "This isn't an original but it is one of my favorite songs and I think it's the perfect one to sing today. It's called Somebody to Love by Kacey Musgraves and I hope you will all enjoy it."

She gives Thorgy a thumbs up without looking back and she starts the melody with her violin, it's a beautiful sound that matches almost perfectly with the original song and Trixie feels it giving her more and more confidence as everyone keeps their eyes on them - Katya has her camera ready, but so far she's just looking, naked eye.

_We're all hoping, we're all hopeless_

_We're all thorns and we're all roses_

_We're all looking down our noses at ourselves_

She strums her fingers on her guitar and the familiar feeling is all she needs to ground herself in the moment. She's doing something she loves _for_ the people she loves. There's no reason to be nervous.

**_And just searching for somebody to love_ **

She thinks she can feel Katya's eyes on her, wonders briefly if she's taking pictures or forgot it all together, but it doesn't matter because Trixie doesn't care about this being documented anywhere other than their memories.

She keeps singing and when she looks around the room almost everyone is attentive, enchanted by the words she chose to sing today that speak of love in an honest way and she's glad they're enjoying it, she'd glad her idea is paying off.

**_And just waiting for somebody to love_ **

She sings the chorus and feels the words close to her heart - maybe this is why she chose this one, because she relates to it, has always related, thinks all verses are somehow relatable and everyone will recognize themselves in at least one at some point.

She searches for the table where Shea and Sasha are seated, doesn't want to stare at any particular person for too long but she's at the second chorus and the song is coming to an end and she's running out of time, she wants to see how they're reacting.

She can't be fully sure but it looks like they're both softly crying. She tries not to smile but she does - her heart is full.

When she's nearing the end of the song she looks for Katya, wants to see if she's photographing or just paying attention or if she cares at all about what Trixie's doing.

She _does_. Her camera is long forgotten on her hand by the side of her body, her eyes blown wide and fixated on Trixie, barely blinking. She has the softest smile on her lips and Trixie's heart leaps.

**_We're all little kids just looking for love_ **

**_Yeah, don't we all just want somebody to love?_ **

She finishes off with a last strum on her guitar and focuses on Katya as Thorgy finishes her part, everyone paying attention to her in these last few seconds. Katya grins at her, wide from where she is in the middle of the crowd, and she smiles back.

She has no doubt that she's finally found her somebody to love.

*

They can't get a moment to themselves after Trixie's song because it's time to throw the bouquets and cut the cake and it's all madness in making sure everything is perfect and pictures being taken and just everything going according to plan. Violet catches Sasha's bouquet and Willam catches Shea’s and they share an uncoordinated dance afterwards that makes everyone laugh. It's wonderful.

The couple leaves early, headed to their one night in a nearby hotel, the honeymoon set to start three days later when the flights to Europe were a lot cheaper, and the party can last for a couple more hours but except for a few people still drinking and dancing, everyone starts leaving pretty soon.

They have no obligation to stay as per the hall, it's in the contract that the crew will clean it up and return whatever decorations are left, but Katya is taking photos of everything still, makes sure to record every single piece of the place and the party and their drunk friends, so Trixie stays too. She wonders how many photos she's taken and how much space she had available because it'd been _a lot_. It's cute how much Katya is trying - for someone who claimed to do weddings only because they paid more, she's putting all her heart and soul into this.

Trixie leaves her keys with Kim and Trannika and goes back to Katya's place once they leave. They grab a taxi and on the way there Trixie mostly complains that her feet hurt while Katya rests her head on her shoulder, her hand drawing light circles on Trixie's thigh.

The walk up the stairs in front of the building is painful, even if it's just five steps. Their heels are in their far away hands, the ones in the middle intertwined as they walk to the elevator and ride it up in silence, Trixie's sudden yawn causing Katya to do the same.

"Do you wanna shower?" Katya offers once they're inside, their things thrown onto the hallway floor.

Trixie does because she feels dirty from the day's heat, but she's also really looking forward to lying down.

"Are you gonna shower?" She decides to follow Katya’s lead, but she only bites her lips.

"Uh, I was going to if _you_ were?" she says it like a question and then the two of them giggle.

"First thing in the morning?" Trixie offers.

"God, yes. Let's go to bed."

It's not really late but they're both bone tired and after a quick five minutes changing and getting ready, they're settling into bed.

It's funny because Trixie's always slept in the middle of the bed when by herself, but always tending to move to the right side of it. Now, though, she has to take the left, because Katya simply can't sleep on the left side.

"The wedding was so beautiful, Trix. You're gonna love the pictures," Katya whispers to her once they're lying together, side by side, their heads towards each other.

"I never had any doubts that the pictures would look great."

Katya rolls her eyes but she can't help her smile. It's big and bright and Trixie's in love with it. "Shut up."

"I'm glad it looked good, though, I was really worried. _Modern art_ , who the fuck-"

"Our two art lesbian friends, that's who," Katya mocks.

"Uh, I'm a decorator, you're a photographer. _We_ are art lesbians."

Katya blinks at her. "Oh god, we are."

They laugh and Trixie focuses for one second on the wrinkles that form around Katya's eyes when she does so. On impulse, she surges forward and presses their lips together, kisses her like she hasn't been able to do all day: open, strong, long. Katya covers the hand that Trixie has on her cheek with her own, scooches closer and breathes into her mouth when they break apart.

"We never talked about what we're doing," Trixie murmurs with her lips still close to hers, her eyes crossing a bit when she tries to look at Katya's green ones.

"Huh," Katya muses, seems honestly surprised by Trixie's words. "I guess we didn't?"

Trixie raises her eyebrows. "Is that not important to you?"

Katya seems bashful. "I actually just assumed that we were dating and I've been telling every single person that I talk to that I now have a girlfriend."

"Oh my god?" Trixie laughs lightly as she holds Katya's side and squeezes it. "You have?"

"Yeah? What have you been saying?"

"That we're seeing where this goes?" Now Trixie's the one who's bashful.

"Oh my God, Trixie, I seriously said I was in love with you."

"I- we never agreed on anything!" Trixie explains herself although she really thinks she's in the right here.

Katya laughs loudly grabs her wrists, kisses both her hands with smiling lips and then moves to lie down on top of her. Trixie rearranges herself so she can settle in and circles her waist.

"You are so very stupid, Trixie Mattel."

"Shut up, you're supposed to be nice to your girlfriend!"

"Oh, I see, we're girlfriends now,"  Katya teases.

"Not anymore, I'm breaking up with you." Trixie shoves her with the same force that she would use to pet a cat, unable to stop smiling.

"After _two minutes_? That's a record, I'll be honest."

Trixie giggles and holds Katya strongly, she loves the look of serenity on her face when she settles on that little, honest smile. Trixie notices it a lot towards her, now, and she hopes that she makes a dorky face when she looks at Katya, too.

"Sometimes I get really pissed that Shea never made a proper effort for us to meet earlier," Trixie confesses.

"I know, I think about it all the time," Katya nods. "But maybe this was the best time for us."

Trixie knows she's referring to a lot of things, but particularly Trixie's feelings and Katya's ghosts. And she's right. Katya had appeared at the breach of Trixie's confused feelings and uncomfortable situation, had become a lot in a short period of time, had been important and had happened right on time.

Trixie's certain that she would have fallen in love with Katya regardless, no matter when they would have come to meet, couldn't possibly fake the tightness in her heart when they are this close together, when she thinks about the fact that she _loves_ the women with her and that she's loved back and that everything really fell into place. But maybe it had been for the best that things happened as they did. Everyone is happy now - even Trixie. That's new and exciting.

"Yeah. I'm just really glad I met you."

Katya smiles again, the big beautiful smile she does when Trixie opts for a heartfelt moment instead of teasing. Trixie is still in awe of her smile, just like she's in awe of her terrible taste in clothes that somehow works for her, or how she's in awe of her incredible talent as a photographer, and many, many more things about her that make Trixie swoon.

"I love you," Katya declares before she kisses her one more time, calm, _confident_.

"I love you, too," Trixie replies even though she knows it's not necessary, merely because she loves the words, she wants to say them all the time, wants them to always be hanging between them, wants Katya to always know.

"I would love to finish this night with a wonderful and passionate love making session but I can barely find it in me to move to a more comfortable position." Katya says with an exaggerated groan and she puts a lot more effort than necessary into lying down besides Trixie with her head on her shoulder.

Trixie just rolls her eyes - truth is she's probably even more tired. "I can't move either so I'm not sure it would be _wonderful_ or _passionate_."

"It's always wonderful and passionate, what are you talking about?"

Trixie laughs and turns a bit so she's half hugging Katya, can't resist the urge to kiss her forehead before settling her head on the pillow.

"Oh," Katya whispers in surprise.

Trixie's already closed her eyes, knows she's seconds away from passing out and Katya isn't far behind. She thinks of saying something else, reassuring her once again of her feelings, but as Katya relaxes into her, lets her arm rest on top of her belly and she goes to sleep, Trixie knows there's no need.

She's searched for a long time for this, waited patiently and then impatiently, and finally got it once she stopped looking.

Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, i can't believe i'm saying this, but that's it! this has been a wonderful journey and i am so happy and proud of myself that i finished a multichaptered. once again thanks to all of you that have read this, it means so much to me that what i do is appreciated. please consider leaving me a comment below - even you, future reader, i assure you i'll still care! - and if you'd like to reach me on tumblr, i am [pichitinha](http://pichitinha.tumblr.com/). lots of love! <3


End file.
